Wednesday, May 28, 2003 : Oct 97

May 28 2003: Ever had your heart broken. I mean Stepped on. Crushed to the point you don't think you can EVER become a whole person again. I have. I cried:
When you finally see the light,
give me a call he said.
When you stop being cute
and you grow up,
gimme a call he said.
Well I've grown up,
and i don't like it,
stuck between cute and pretty,
can't make up my mind
about the things i have put away.
I'm being split in two,
by no one at all,
it could all be over,
if he'd only call,
I hate being dependant,
i hate needing him,
if i could only find him,
I'd tell him what i thought.
He's a hurdle,
thats just an inch too high,
and i can't get past it,
and it's bringing me down.
I'm being split in two,
by no one at all
it could all be over
if he'd only call.
Why are you nice to me,
I'm just a bitch
i can't do any good
my mother told me so
so why do you talk to me
I'm not too bright
I'm not going anywhere
my daddy told me so.
Why do you like me
I'm just a slut
I'm an easy lay,
My ex-boyfriend told me so.
I'm being split in two
by no one at all
it could all be over,
if he'd only call

Thursday, May 22, 2003

ghI feel like shit.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Hey, Long time. I'm good. Yeah, we're in the new place. It's cool, nice and big, and the furniture looks good. Yeah we're glad. I know. It's cool. Yeah ok, talk to you later. Bye. click.

Monday, April 28, 2003 : Later

So long ago I remember a time when people payed attention. When I wasn't one of the blurred backdrop. now I look back and I remember that it's always been this way. Bust your ass and people kick it harder. It's all about you, and never about me. doesn't matter who it is. I wish one day something could be about me. Is that selfish. to want back what i give out. to need people. to be alone, and hate it daily. A strong front is always affected, but never really achieved. You've seen my insides, and you pissed in them. You make me want to cry. When will i have someone who wants nothing from me but my presence. A life never known haunts me and the world collapses. and I'm hurt. So frightfully unimportant. Who would miss me. Famliy yes..... but anyone else? no. I'm all alone in a world so big It scares me and Even with love I'm still not ready. not ready to be the right person. not ready to be what you want. not ready to be accepted. That bullshit. I'm never going to be becasue I'm to fucking different. Must be nice to have people that love you. I wouldn't know. And I cry. For the lost ones that never were and the found ones that will never be. So i cry. And you'll never know. Cause your all so wrapped up in your tiny little problems that can never be seen. not really. Who knows me? Who knows what I'm really like.
I will die and the world will forget. Cause you left so long ago and there is no one to tell them who I am, and I'll never recover from that. Cause I'm always left behind. Why didn't you take me with you. Cause now I cry. And I miss you. More than even I can imagine. My wings are folded away till the day when I can spread them, work out the cramps and fly away, like the girl in the video. I will. one day. And then they'll know how lucky they were. to have known me. But until then i cry. And cry. And cry tears that will never stop because you will never come back, and I will always be alone. I'm so full of words that pour out of me and it hurts my soul to think that no one will ever realize why i care. So thats me. wounded soul, folded wings and waiting for the day when I can be set free from all this pain, and then we'll be together and my life will have been worth it.

Monday, April 28, 2003

Don't let him run you down, cause i love you like no other and I know in the end it'll all turn out ok, cause that what friends are for. I'll be the wall you lean against, the call you make for help, the wind that lifts you to new heights. And never once will i question you, for you are what you are and I love it all the same. Never change for anyone, cause no one is worth that work. You are who you are and if they can't accept it then tell em all to hell. Cause you are the Best person in the whole world, and If i can love you for that then they should too. Never once should you question yourself. Don't let him do it. No one is worth that kind of pain. That kind of unwillingness, that kind of life. Where you have to watch everything you do and say. It's not right. Let him go. Don't let him run you down.


This is for everyone who reads this. I love you all. And you are all the best.

Sunday, April 27, 2003

In one week today i will be waking up in my OWN apartment. Well, OURS at any rate. I can't sleep. I'm nervous, but very happy. I know well be ok. Everything is starting to look nicer. like a life of our own. I've never been so happy. *freaking out* I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!! ALso I'll be glad to get away from the thieves here, but i can't help but wonder what kinda of Oakville punk is going to plague me at the new place. I wish we could REALLY move away. to BC, or the east coast. Just somewhere new. But any new place is new, and to experience it with the one you love is exceptional. It will be perfect. A life. Of our own. *sigh*

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

With the move i've been busy and have had no time to think. I'm sorry. I'll try to be better at this. I'm not good at much. I'm not driven, except by anger. make me mad and I'll do ANYTHING to get back at you. Maybe I should let things go. not very buddhist of me. *shrug* well Im learning. As a summary i am awestruck because i finally got to see Matt Good play live. i woulda shit myself had the thought not been so gross! ha. He is amazing. True to his album and so AMAZING! there are no other words. Think of your absolute FAVOURITE band. Imagine never getting to see them no matter how many times you try to go. then imagine getting there. I almost puked from the excitement. I will remember April 12 2003 for the rest of my life. a defining moment. have yourself a GREAT day.

Sunday, April 13, 2003

Well the countdown is over. I am Awestruck.

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Each day contains a gift. To see that gift you have to open your eyes. I saw someone today that i haven't seen in almost 5 years. It made me realize that even tho the two of us were never close, i really missed him when he was gone. I see now the LOSS of time I've had. I wish i could go back, but i can't. So I'll have to hope that "And I'll be Calling" really meant I'll call, and not why the hell did you give me your number crazy?!?! I knew him only about 6 months... and never very well, but seeing him made my heart happy. it's nice to feel that way. I've been elated all day. Can you imagine. 10 minutes in my past and I'm ecstatic. man. I'm a fuckin nerd. In a small way i wish he wouldn't call...... so i don't dissapoint. again. God I love people too much. I'm an idiot

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Well, It's buddha day. happy buddha day everyone. Love is all you have to give thats worth getting back.

Monday, April 07, 2003

Later: Please don't change, please don't break, the only thing that seems to work at all is you, please don't change at all for me. all i'd like to hear... all anyone would like to hear and yet the eniter world seems bent on changing who you are. every day. you can't work here with that hair, you can't have that tattoo, i won't like it if you pierce your labret, they won't like it if you wear that nail polish. WELL FUCK YOU ALL. I am damned fine the WAY I AM and from now on I'm sayin fuck you to anyone tells me otherwise. cause I'm sick of this shit.

April 7, 2003

I know. big gap. i just wanted somewhere to keep my life in order. Please feel free to email me or msg me on yahoo if you like or hate what i wrote up there. thats what a teenager thinks..... about life... love.... friends. I long time has been spent pondering the countless thought and ideas that i had. and all i can remember is what was. and what i miss. I'm tired. and sad. I wish that everyone would see me for who i am and like that Amanda. why do i have to put on a show everyday. I pretend to be who i am not so people will accept me. Who am I? I don't even remember. This is my dilemma. what do I see when I look at me? Someone who wants everyone to be happy. A nice person. A good friend. So why am i alone. Why do i have not one person in my whole life that i can tell everything to? Why am I left alone to think and to worry and to cry. I cry.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Nine(1998) The End

I have once again fallen for the wrong person. I'm feeling bad though because I feel like I'm cheating on a guy who I'm not even going out with. It's odd. I've never had this problem before. My friend and I are gonna go hunt ducks(check out some people for ourselves) together, but I told him that no one can tell The spawn, I call him that cause of what his name means, but he could read this so I don't want to put his name. Why do I feel bad about "cheating" on someone when we aren't even together? oh well
When something great happens, don't you want to tell people and have them be happy with you? I do. And it's crushing when they aren't. I've just had a substantial argument with one of my best friends, because when something good happened to me, he wasn't as happy as I was when something good happened to him. HA! Substantial argument. I didn't even tell him half of what I was thinking. I'm always like that. I never say what I'm thinking.... or else it never comes out right. Drives me nuts. Now there is no one to be happy with me. Everyone who matters is essentially dead to me. Everyone who matters has gone away and left me to be happy alone. And essentially miserable.... because what good is happiness when you can't share it. It's all gone now. I've been left alone. I hate it when people just ignore their problems... or try to get rid of them as fast as possible. Maybe I like to wallow... I dunno. But I can't just "get over" things that quickly. My best friend died 4 years ago and I'm still not over it. That’s how much I can't get over things. I wish there was another way to solve my problems.... so that I could go on solving the problems of the world. But as it is I seem to have lost a best friend and that's all I can think about. Even the happiness of the attentions of the one I love is not enough to overshadow what has now become the ridiculous problem I have about not letting go of the hurt.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Eight (1998):

This is a long one. sorry
This part has been inspired by a very close friend who doesn't get the hidden messages. EVER


it has been a time of reckoning, a time of good-byes. At the end of the year we close up our past lives, and begin new ones. We lose friends, and find new ones. We start over. The angels have come to tell me what I should have not done, and for these things I am truly sorry. The tell me stories of myself as I lie awake thinking of the people I would like to leave behind, but never could. I have a problem letting go, but most people I know have the same problem. We get so used to what things were like, it doesn't make sense that they should change. but the world is forever changing and all we can do is go along with it, and hope for the best. I think we are all born innocent, and we become jaded through our habits. We break each other over and over again, but that is the one thing we never learn from. whether it be leaving by death or choice, we're still always leaving. I'm not poetic. I'm not what I wish I was, but I'm enough to keep myself happy with who I am. My problem is that I sit around and analyze what others thin of me and it affects the way I see myself. what's yours? It's been said the we are all alone, we just pretend we aren't. If we were so alone, why would everyone's opinion matter to me? why would it matter if this person liked me, and that one didn't? It doesn't make sense to me. I have all these emotions that aren't compatible with the person I tried so hard to be. Only a few people have seen who I really am. And those people I have pushed away for fear of being hurt. There is no logic behind it because I hurt myself more by leaving people behind, than I do by letting them see me. I love a lot of people who don't know it. I can't tell them because of what it may do to me. I can't tell them because of what they might think and do. I have this great fear of them shunning me, and after such a revealing statement, that would only be turning the knife. I can only sit here, and wish that they loved me too, even though I know it will never happen. I dream at night that we are all together and happy, but the reality is that my circle of friends isn't quite as good as I thought. It's more of an irregular shape. This person doesn't like him, she doesn't like that one, these two don't get along. It's quite difficult to get everyone together without having a fight. What I guess they don't see is who in the middle I really am. I try to stay out of it, but when my two best friends are fighting, and I know both sides of the story, how can I help but be there. I think that I have too many secrets. I hide to much from people and that's what keeps me from being truly happy. Someone once said I was an Angel with a smile on my face and a broken wing. Only I can smile whilst being so hurt. I've become an actress in my own life. That's all we are. actors in a play that has no script. that is if you don't believe in fate. I think that there are people we are meant to be with. Like everyone is born half of a whole, and all they have to do is find that other half. But I also think that we determine our own future. We have talents, and we have to make the best of them. We decide where we are going in life, but life decides who we are to be with. most often people don't find that half. and if they're like me, they find the half, and don't know what to do about it. I hate it when you can't just sit and talk to people without having others misinterpret it. I hate it when you can't just give someone a hug, and not have everyone all over you about how he's not the right guy for you. I hate it when you have these unbelievable feelings about someone, and they want to be your friend. This has become the darker side of the ride of life. The downfall of the human population is that only stupid people are breeding. That's how I got here, and look what I've turned into. A child who thinks she understands the world. A wanna be poet. I can't say things that are poetic. I say things that are real and it pisses people off. most of the time I'm better off just not talking. but when I do that everyone thinks something wrong. If you have then you hold. You hold on to everything you've got cause it's not gonna last. everyone goes away. The best thing you can do is stick around a while. see what's happening, then jet. don't get attached. don't feel. I empty myself out every night, and still I'm full. I don't so it on purpose. I don't mean to piss you off. I just want you to see me for who I really am. Hard to believe this all started with a walk at night and a look at the sky. I think that the stars are my life force. I can go out and look at the stars and feel better almost immediately. I think they're overrated though I know people who base their whole lives around them. that's sad. I just use them to cheer up. I miss you. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I love how people can take what someone has to say as gospel. I read the manifesto on the Matt Good Band page religiously. Once a new month starts I can't wait to go and read what he's written. there are people who can capture attention without even trying. I thought I could do that with my singing. but apparently that's not true either. Would you buy a book if it had someone on the cover with 3 packs of lit cigarettes in their mouth? I would. I think it could be amusing to read a book by someone who can smoke 75 butts at once. you know they have to be fucked up. Say hello. Smile. Pretend your famous. Smooch. buy a Volkswagen. Scratch your brain. "She had an itch in her brain. She could only scratch it by thinking of sand paper" I can't remember where I read that. I just though it was odd. have you ever had a weird itch really deep in your ear. so deep it was almost in your throat, but not quite, and you can't scratch your ear to get rid of it, but you can't cough to get rid of it either, so you just have this really annoying itch that you gag on? yeah, me either. I don't know why I though of that. ANYWAYS. ever written three and a half pages of garbage? Me too. Ever cheered on a fight? ever BEEN in a fight? Should try it sometime. It's not bad actually. I should see someone about this. I have to find some other way to deal with anger and hatred. I can't keep writing stories that seem poetic and really are just a waste of space. but for now I'll just do that. it makes me feel better. Would you love me if I changed? just for you? I need a change. I need to get out more. but do less drinking. I have an alcoholic friend. Well, two. And one is always bugging the other to stop drinking, but then the next night they're out drinking together. It's tearing me apart cause one is hurting and the other doesn't care, and of course, I'm in the middle. Mandy the Broken Angel/ Psychiatrist-soon to be schizophrenic. I know someone who hates me cause the person she likes showed a little interest in me. And so she talked him out of it. It's sad for all three of us. She's sad cause she's got the whole "if I can't have him, no one can" complex going, he's sad cause he let her talk him out of it, and I'm sad cause I lost again. Well, they're sad like "oh you suck" sad. I'm just upset. Me and him chill together every now and then, but I don't think things are ever gonna be the same. Man, if I could cut open people, I'd be a doctor. I was gonna be a shrink, but then I found out you needed biology and chemistry to become a doctor. Biology involves cutting up a fetal pig, which I can't do. (I couldn't even do a fish) And Chemistry. well lets just say summer school agrees with me on that subject. So I'm going for soap box shrink here. I'm gonna be Lucy from the peanuts cartoon. 5 cents for a diagnosis. I should charge more. how am I gonna make a living? Hoping has gone out of style. nobody has any hope anymore. we all just sorta float through our lives and bump into each other. Life is a lazy river of dreams, but no hope of ever realizing your dreams. I wanna be a singer, but I know that I'll just finish high school, maybe go to college, and then get a full time job selling clothes at Suzy shier. oooo lucky me. I believe everyone has a moment of greatness. Some people call it 15 minutes of fame, but that's not really what I mean. I mean when you are truly great. Not by the standards of the media. By the standards of humanity. It is when you have done something so amazing that you can't do any better. It could be performing the first brain transplant, or saving a kid from the streets. If you do something you really believe in just once, then you have reached greatness. My moment of greatness will be when I am standing before a stadium sized crowd, and I sing one of my own songs. That or I tell my boyfriend that I love him. Have you ever found those words to be really hard to say. Especially when you really mean them? I can't say it to anyone. be it a boy, a best friend, or family. it's just not something I say. It's strange. I come from a family of huggers. we hug all the time, but we never say I love you. I don't get it. I'd like to get out of here. go away to where no one knows me, and I can become completely different person. Right now I'm garbage. it's all I've tried for here. I'm just a sniveling brad who knows nothing of what she talks about. I'd like to go away and better myself. Then I wanna come back and blow everyone's minds with the amazing creature they knew as Mandy. Right now I'd say anything you want just to make you love me. I've always wanted to be the little geek that goes away and comes back a beauty. I must say I've gone pretty far from that gangly little girl all my old friends used to know. Maybe that's why I'd like to go back to my old school. So they can all see what they made fun of. I've shocked a couple people already. I ran into a guy I used to go to school with, and suddenly became obsessed with my legs. I think he's got a fetish. I know that they'd be surprised by who I've become, but I want to be completely different. I want to be elegant, and graceful, and nice to people that I like, not make fun of them. I want to be able to show affection like a real person. I'd like to stop hitting people, cause I think they'll like me better. I want to straighten out my ideals. I want to do my homework and get good marks. I want to do what my sister did. Everyone in my family has achieved something. Megs got beautiful, Vic got buff, Jeff is getting taller. But I'm still the same person everyone has always known, just a little more.....endowed. Fate looked my way, but I Ignored it. I used to sparkle, but now I'm dull. it's all over. I laugh when I think of what I thought I was. I feel like I've run into walls with everyone I know. We used to have these great conversations, and now there's just nothing left to say. I've crawled a thousand miles and now I've rubbed my knees raw trying to be what everyone else wants. We've been here before. I'm nothing. Were I shocked again I'd stay. I've been shocked before. 16 million years ago we were here. we were at this turning point, and you went the right way whilst I went the wrong. I'm all I ever wanted to be in private, but out in the world I'm all everyone ever wants me to be. I'd say anything you wanted me to, just to get you to see it my way. I'm loaded. A bomb has been dropped among us, but it's okay that I was wrong, because the holes you all hide in yourself have become apparent. I'd make amends so that we were okay. But it's all too late for that isn't it. It's the turning point I've tried so desperately to avoid. I've come to it with everyone. I'm losing for free. I'm older than I look. Mentally I'm older than you all could comprehend. responsibility. with responsibility come the realization hat the world sucks. It's easier to be a 3 year old than to deal with the stupidity of the people I see every day. Everyone needs something. I need comfort, you might need quality. it's all gone isn't it. it's all been wiped away by the storm we call emotion. it gets in the way. I've said before, it's easier to shove your emotions down and keep them locked away then to deal with them. its uncomplicated with out emotions. you made me lose control of them, and now I'm spinning downward with the rest of you. If I can keep them hidden, locked away, I can stay on top and fill the void you've left. Someone's always missing. lost, missing the point. the hidden message. It's too hard to deal with that anymore. I'd rather leave and learn something new, than stay here and deal with people who know me to well.
It's all over. the end has come. Why do guys look at a pretty face or a stacked chick and suddenly decide that they are worth boneing and that's about all? It's funny how when I wasn't so stacked people looked at my face. my friends(male ones) were just friends and I never had to worry about them looking down my shirt.... or trying to kiss me. I've amused people long enough. I'm suddenly something to look at.... not talk to. I am tired of leaving my mind at home just so that everyone else will be happy. there isn't anyone left who hasn't looked at me like that. no one. and the sad part is that the people who look are always the wrong ones. It could never be the prince charming every girl waits for.... or someone else who's name may mean the devil(he knows who he is) Why is it that I need to use this as a form of fixage. I need to use this as a purging place for all my feelings. it's not fair to you the reader to have to read what it is that I feel I need to purge. but then if you didn't want to read it you wouldn't be this far. I think I'm tired of people treating me like I can't take things. I'm sick of people hiding things from me because they think it will hurt me. it's all shit you know. all of this. how do you know I'm not just making all of this up.... and laughing at how many people read it. I'm not. but still.
When things go wrong.... who do YOU talk to "when I'm alone I am in pain"- Matthew Good, The War Is Over It's all over the minute you let someone in. Every time I let anyone in... they break me. I know it's true and so do they. Have you ever had luck with this? when solace is all I can have that comforts the empty pain I feel, I know I have reached the epitome of all that I fear. I am now the picture of sadness. I am the one thing I have always ventured to dispell. I am alone. I am all I have. Disregarding superficial relationships. but they are exactly that. superficial. It's all I can do to keep from becoming attached to people. I need people, but all they do it ruin me. I have become attached again.... with a dream. and that is all he is. he is simply a boy that I can't get close to because of his proximity. I know nothing about him, except that he is out of my reach. and that saddens me. loving the one who doesn't love back. but that is so me anyway! I know now, after tonight, that there is no was I will force anything between us. if I happen to see him again, things will go how ever they go... but I will not initiate anything for the pain of is far to great for me to be able to bear once more. it is only as far as I can go to deal with that which I have been dealt. that is enough. i don't need to add more to my palate. I can barely paint with what I have. soon it will be over and we can all go back to the way we were. but I will never be the same. it will never be the same again, for I know that you will not love me.... like I need you to. Oh well. S’all for now. Talk to ya later.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Seven (1998)

I should be sorry for a lot of what I've done, but remorse seem a little scarce lately. It's not just me either. It's seems that everyone isn't sorry for anything now. I know people who aren't sorry for ruining me. I used to be a good girl. Now I'm just a pierced soul, with no where to go, because the people who should want me most, hate me, and the people who never wanted me still don't. You think you're over something, and then it always comes back and kicks you in the face. That's always the way. I hate it when you are just minding your own business, and you get caught up in an emotional swell, and you don't know where it came from, but you know it sucks and you want it to go away. It never does, cause there's always someone there that says "Oh what's wrong" and then you have to tell them something, cause you can't say "I don't know". And then it all gets worse, and you're stuck in this mud hole of crap that you have to put up with or you're a bitch. I hate that you can't just tell people what you think, and be respected for it. You're a bitch. Yeah, well, so then I'm a bitch. And fuck you all.

Well, I've got my answer, I'm not all that memorable. Someone I met last year doesn't remember me. Oh well. I want to make people remember me. I want them to see me in the street and say, Hey! I know her. I want people to wish they were like me. Not just the little kids I take care of, but everyone. I want the wars to stop, hunger to end, angry to blow away. I want too much. I want more than I can handle. But I still want it. I want everyone who hurt me to suffer for it in a way unimaginable to the human mind. I want them to feel it too. That's the cruelest form of punishment I can think of. For them to feel what I felt. To know what I know. It hurts. But it's not real pain. Nothing can compare to it, but it's not real

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Six(1998)

I'm just waiting for someone to come along and change me. I have been the same person for years and years, I've just gotten louder. But I'm still the same. I want to be different. I want to be more like other people, and less like myself. I want to lose all my habits, and get new ones. I want for people who know me now, who like me now, to see this different person, and like her even more. There are some people I want to do this for. I hate it when people tell you that they want you to change, but they don't want you to do it on account of them. There are people I would change the world for, if they would love me more. I don't know what can heal a would like that. Like one where they want you to change, but not for them. Then who? Myself? My parents, my teachers? I would change anything for some people, but they tell me "not for me, I couldn't forgive myself" Mighty selfish ain't it. What about me. What about that kind of rejection. You don't like me the way I am, but you don't want me to change. So what am I supposed to think. That you don't WANT to like me? That's pain, cause there is nothing you can do about it. You can end starving peoples pain. Give them food, teach them to provide for themselves, to use what they have. You can end the pain of war. Stop it from happening. But that kind of pain. what can you do? Spend thousands of useless dollars on a shrink who'll know and "hmm" you for an hour. Maybe fall asleep every now and then. And for what? Here have some prozac. Or maybe talk to your parent's or grand parents(god forbid) and what'll they say? Don't worry dear, you're young, there are thousands of fish in the sea. Or your friends- "He's a jerk anyway, you're better off without him" But what if you aren't. What if he is your WHOLE world, and there is nothing you wouldn't do for him. What if you Luve him. What then. Well, then you're screwed. But it's a great learning experience. I wonder if he will remember me when we've parted. Would you?

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part five(1997)

part 5 (1998): Dave and other disgusting things(well no, just Dave, but that's disgusting enough)


(This is my ode to Dave, and strange people like him)


Some people are so gross. I don't understand how you can just hate someone, even though you don't know them. Dave hates ginos, ginos hate Dave, it's all a vicious cycle. Dave's a pig, but he doesn't care. And apparently, his girlfriends don't seem to care either. He must have pheromones. He's okay as a friend, I just don't know how anyone can go out with him??? He's okay with me writing about him. Most people would be pissed off if I wrote this about them, but Dave is strange that way. He actually asked to be in here. He's gonna read this, and laugh. Would you? I hate people who don't like to give compliments. Dave can't handle that. It seems that he can say it, but he has to back it up with an insult. I don't know. Maybe I'm just the brunt of his cruelty. He's an army boy. He's got no hair, and he prides himself in the fact that people avoid him on the street. Strange power-hungry nut case. I think its funny that he would like people to be scared of him. I've been told tons of stories about him walking down the street, in his trench coat and big black boots, and all these people rushing across the street just to avoid him. STRANGE. He likes Pantera and insists on calling me Amanda. He's a twisted person, but I luv him just the same cause if he wasn't so twisted, he wouldn't be Dave. I wonder what makes people like Dave the way they are. They seem to enjoy annoying the piss out of people. I don't see the point, but maybe you have to be a special kind of person to see the fulfillment you get for pissing the hell out of someone. I hear all these stories about people being scared of him, and that baffles me too.

(okay, well it's sorta stopped being disgusting things here)

Maybe I'm just an open person, but I've never been really frightened by the look of someone. Maybe I've seen so much of these "strange people" that I've become de-sensitized. I think it's pretty cool when someone likes to dress in black and put on false vampire teeth just for the hell of it. Now THERES self esteem. I'm big on that. I'm also okay with people who like to dress in plastic pants, and boas. I'm just a really accepting person. Maybe we all need to be like that. If we were all accepting of everyone else's styles, and choice of music, and hair colour, and teeth, then maybe the world would be less fuct up. We wouldn't fight anymore cause we'd all accept what everyone else was like. It sucks that we are taught to hate each other. Girls hate other girls cause they are the enemy. The other girls get our jobs, and our men, and men, well........ need I say more. I don't like people who are judging of something they don't know. I go to an all girls school, and everyone there is homophobic. Okay well, not everyone. But the loud people are and that screws us all over, cause they talk for us, even if we don't want them to. They think there isn't anyone one among them who likes girls, not guys. LESBIANS! ooo that's a curse word at my school. If our lesbian came out and told everyone, she would be sooo shunned it wouldn't be funny. She'd be screwed. Her self esteem(and she's got lots of it) would be down the tubes. They would me her life hell, for wanting something different than what they do. I luv her. I think she's one of the coolest people I know. It doesn't matter to me what her sexual orientation is. I talk about it a lot, but that's because it's new to me. I didn't know about her. I don't see anything wrong with it. Jenni and I goof around all the time and pretend to be gay, and miss PRISS has to tell us to cu it out, cause she doesn't want to see that sort of thing. Let me ask you a question that she asked us. If you walked into a room where a heterosexual couple was making out, What would you do? You would leave, and pretend you didn't notice right? Well what if the same thing happened, only it was two girls(if you are a girl) or two guys(if you are a guy)? I see it as the same thing. Just cause some of us got penis's and some of us don't. What if we were all beings with no sex, we just procreated with whom ever. It wouldn't be wrong then would it. All that Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve bullshit makes me sick. I swear, sometimes I'd like to take all those Gay bashers, and fuck them up the ass with a dildo, and them beat the shit out of them. Why do they think they have the right to beat someone, because they like guys too? You don't beat up a chick for it, why beat up a guy? Anyone who thinks gays and lesbians are strange and wrong, personally, I think you can go fuck yourselves until you are ready to accept what is different.

I don't understand why we can't accept what's different. Why do we have to find an explanation for everything. Why cant we just accept things the way they are. I'm no exception to this one. I think I have to explain a lot of things I don't understand. Like Love. I feel I have to explain it to everyone who doesn't get it. Maybe I'm just trying to explain it to myself. Cause, admittedly, I don't understand love. I think it's one fuct up feeling. Chemicals. It's all chemicals. I say get yerself some chocolate, and indulge. It's the same thing. There is no one who can ever know you well enough to make you feel how they say love is like. I don't understand how people can fall out of love though. It's not like a dress that's too small(easy to fall OUT of) it's a feeling. you can't fall out of feelings. I've spent a great part of my life thinking about this. I can't say I've ever been in love. Although my friends tell me I have. guess I just don't know what it feels like. If I think about when my friends say I was in love, that mean love is just complete codependency. Cause that's all that was. I needed this guy, and when he was around was this huge bubble of crazy happiness that could be popped so easily. But when he popped it, it didn't hurt like it should have. Sure I was upset, but I've seen friends cry for days after they had broken up with someone. I was more like, oh okay, wanna go for coffee? But even now, we are friends, and the bubble is still there. He makes me happy, but I don't love him. I have different kinds of love. There's LOVE which is what people feel on valentines day with their boy/girlfriends and everyday with their families. Then there's LUV which is what you feel for your friends. Then there's LUVE which I think is the perfect balance between the other two, and that's what people feel for the person they spend the rest of their life with. So in a way I LOVE and LUV Greg, but I don't LUVE him. Love is what people fall out of, because(with boy/girlfriends) its a silly little emotion brought on by cinnamon hearts and roses. Luv is forever, cause, whether or not you keep in touch, you'll always remember the times you had. I don't like people who claim they don't love anyone, and then they turn around and tell people they do. Drives me insane. It hurts when you love someone and they don't love you. In any way. All the loves. It hurts when you have it coming at you from all sides and you can't even do it yourself. Or maybe it doesn't. I have a friend like that. He has these crazy feelings about people, but he says he doesn't love people. His family maybe, but you never know. I've met people who truly hate their families. The whole lot. I don't understand how you can hate anyone. I guess I pride myself on not hating anyone. I've only hated one person, for about a day and a half. But hey, We can't be perfect. I hate it when you think you're over someone, and then they pop back into your life and it's like nothing ever changed. I keep saying I hate things, but that's such an open statement to me. I say it all the time, but I don't hate things really, except gay bashers and prejudiced people. I strongly dislike a lot of things though. On a bad day I strongly dislike everything. People think that the perfect world would be one without pain, but how do you learn without pain. I think pain is such a strong teacher. Sometimes when it's too much I wish the world would go away for a while, and I could be alone. But then after I've been alone I see that it's okay to have people, because they are the essence of life. Like I said. Everything around you, everything that makes you comfortable. Sometimes I wish we could put an end to all the suffering in the world, but the I get caught up in my own suffering and I see that we can't stop what's real. It would be cool if we could all still be human, still be the same poetic bodies wrapped up in soul, without all the things that hurt. I wish I could save my children from enduring what I have endured. An still I have endured nothing at all. I am an innocent. I have not seen real violence. I have not seen real hatred, I have not seen real anything. I live such a sheltered life I try to make it less sheltered in the most dramatic ways. I don't see the poverty, I don't see the pain in real peoples eyes. I give money to the poor on the streets, and ream out those who don't. When we go on school outings to the "city" My teachers hustle us past all the homeless, and don't give us time to dig out a little spare change, that we don't even use. That's how sheltered my life is. My only encounter with any one I could really help, has not even been in my country. How's that for nationalism. I pretend I hurt, but I really don't. I'm just trying to make my life a little easier to bear, because it's so semi-perfect. The only reason it's like that is because my parents try too hard to hide things from me, like the fact that my education is draining us financially. Maybe that's the same thing I want to do for my kids. I said I wish I could save them from enduring what I have endured. Maybe that's exactly what my parents have done for me.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part four(1997)

part 4 (1997) : I find people fascinating, even if they are dumb. Despite all my qualms about public transit, I kind of find it useful. I like sitting on the bus, and looking down into peoples cars. It's strange what people will do in the safety of their cars. They cry, they put on make up, they sing, they yell at their dashboards while beating their steering wheels senseless. They talk to non existent people, and they curse at existent ones. The only thing they don't do is think. I find driving to be a good thinking time. I've thought up my best statements while driving. Everyone is so busy now. Hustling here and there on there lunch hour because everything seems to close at four thirty. There could be so many poetic people out there, but they are all so caught up in the real world. I'd personally rather stay here in my little cocoon, because it's safe. I'm never hurting, I'm never alone. Well, not really. We could be standing in a room full of people, and still be alone. So I am alone, I just never feel the consequences. I never let anyone in, cause in the past it's always been a mistake. What I've learned is love is best left alone. I've been so long from it, I've forgotten how it goes. I think I need someone to teach me. I had someone once, but he went away. I can't take that. I need some one to teach me to let go. I need some one to be there to make me let go, but not someone who thinks I need them. It's funny how in a certain light we all look the same. All in all we are. Bones, then organs and muscles, and skin. We are all the same in a sense. We all think about the same things, just in different ways. I think that God is just the human races way of justifying disasters, and death. Other people think God is our salvation, but it's all in the end. I think the creation of God will kill us all, and others think that Armageddon will come. I don't know.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part three(1997)

Part 3 (1997) : Do you think dead people can see? People have this grand fear of dead people with their eyes open, but do you think they can see you? I wonder, if you talk to a dead person, and hear strange thoughts in your head, like, thoughts that you wouldn't normally think, does that make you crazy? Hmmm, there are some things that people refuse to think about. I don't think about suicide or love, you might not think about death or crime. We all ignore what we are afraid of, and that says a lot about us. Just ask the first person on the street what they are afraid of. Commitment- maybe their parents weren't the committing type, you know, divorced or separated. Maybe they're afraid of silence, which means they don't like silence because they are generally afraid of what's coming next, the unknown. In the end we come to bear everyone's burdens, and we don't even know how we do so. Maybe our luck will change, and we wont have to worry about the torture we put ourselves through everyday. I think the bank should be open till nine o'clock every night. Our workdays don't end till six, so why should the bank close at four thirty? It doesn't make sense that the bankers make the most money, and still we never get any service. Nobody's lunch hour is long enough.

It's strange how books get started. I was just writing a poem and now look. It's not a story book though. I was told it wasn't really a book, because it didn't have anything tying the beginning to the middle to the end. I've read books with nothing tying it all together. Fuck that. It's just not a story, it's more like a REALLY long editorial. I guess this isn't something that will be studied in school. Maybe it should be. Finally an open, realistic look at life from the eyes of an 18 year old, and no one will ever read it properly. I say fuck it. Read what you want, study what you want, and make the best of it cause it's all you got. Once you start working, it all goes down hill. Everyday at the same job, doing the same thing, with nothing ever changing. You think school is like that? Wow are you wrong. I wish I could go back to grade nine, and keep doing it over and over till I'm seventy and can move down to Florida on all the money I save up from welfare cheques. There's nothing really that we can do about it, but make the best of school. You're away from your parents, you can act however you want, and the only thing you really have to do is go to class. Everyone says school would be better without classes, but the classes are the prime parts. In the past four years I have come to realize that classes are what you make them. They're fun if you make them fun. The real world is a hassle. You've got it easy if you're in school. Ask some of my friends. Some of them are the night managers in Subway restaurants, others have kids. School is the easy way to avoid the real world for a long long time. It may seem like forever, but it's really pretty good.

It's funny how we all think that we are our own worst enemies. I wonder why that is. We seem to make ourselves want ourselves to go away. It's not with other people. We make them want to go away, but we make ourselves need to go away from ourselves even more. We need more hope. I wanted this to be an album, but I can't seem to make these thoughts into songs. I have a whole thank you list written out, just in case I ever make it. I'm sorta scared. What if I don't make it. Then what do I have? I sucked in school, I can't write songs anymore. I can still sing them, but that's not the same. You need words, and music. Who's gonna write my music when you're gone. Life is everything that you are used to having around you. It's all you need, and all you want, all packed together in about 80 years. Your formative years are the worst, cause everything in your life depends on what happens during those year. Everything you watch, everything you eat, everything you experience. I'm a little angry. My formative years couldn't have been that good, since I'm a 5 year old trapped in an 18 year old body. Sometimes I feel like everything I'm experiencing is for the first time. My college apps came back today. I don't want to open them. I'm scared of that too. I don't want to know whether I made it or not. I'd rather just keep on thinking I could have, but didn't want to. I'm afraid that I will open that envelope and I will realize that I did want to go to university really badly, and now I cant. I don't know for sure that I didn't make it, but I don't think I did. I don't want my parents to know. But if I did make it, than what will I do. Tape the envelope back up and put it back in the box? That's the problem with universal boxes. It's 16 boxes all together and you cant get at the mail without a key. I shouldn't have a key, but I do. Maybe I will go out late at night, and find out whether I got in or not. If I didn't Then I'll never mention it, but if I did, I'll come home, sleep on it, and put the envelope on the table in the morning. I'll still have to explain how I got it, but oh well, shit happens. At least they'll be happy cause I got in. OOOO bad, I shouldn't be teaching you all to deceive, but it think it's part of human nature.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part two(1997)

part 2 (1997): We are the strangest ones of all. This age, a time of apathy and violence. A time where the two ends of the scale are I don't care, and I care so much, I'm gonna kill ya. The only thing we do about it, is sit around and watch the tele and pretend we care. Middle class punks are taking over the world. Everyone is scared of them. The cushy lifestyle is all we need to spawn these hell demons, who just want to fit in. We freak out if someone looks at something that is ours, and freak out if they don't want to . We don't want to be here anymore than you do, we're stuck here, like sardines in a can, living like pigs and giving ourselves to people just to belong to something, anything, as long as it's "in". An open epidemic of solitary confinement. We try to make statements, but were told not to be insolent, we let musicians talk for us, and we are told to turn off that garbage. The 60's had something to unite for, the end of war. The 70's had their drugs, and disco(that was why disco was in. Everyone was to stoned to realize it sucked; acid made the funky colours and clothes really cool) the 80's, well, they had their parents who ignored them, and they wrecked themselves for attention. We got the attention, but it's not good shit. We get fucked over all the time because we're teenagers. Our parents never really grew up, and so we have to deal with their childish affairs, and still it's our fault that we are so screwed up. The Earth is screwed as far as producing anything. In a few years(I say a few not in the literal sense. could be lots) the hole in the ozone will make it so you can't go outside, and what'll we do then? We are the age that has to deal with it. By the time our children are old enough to work, all of the "older" people will be to old to work, and then they'll have the prime jobs, if only we'd have good jobs, so we could send them to school, and they'd know how to do stuff.

I think we should trash all the technology. Go back to horses and buggies, guys who lit all the street lamps with really big matches. Before we had computers, and women wore big dresses, and were married for dowries. It wasn't so bad then, you could have as many affairs as you wanted, and still have an awesome title. It was almost a right to cheat. Love was nothing but a word girls used to sweet talk their fathers into a better marriage. There were problems with those times, but hey, at least they couldn't kill you. The world was a vast empire for everyone to explore. We need to go back to when pot wasn't illegal. The Indians used it forever before the damn white people came and fucked them over with their damn laws. Has anyone every died from pot? NOPE. Genesis 1:12 "I give you ALL the seed bearing plants and herbs to use" I mean, how can you fight the Bible. The artists have it right. They paint pictures of where they wish they were, make sculptures of how they wish they could be. We just have caught on to what they're trying to say. BE WHO YOU ARE. It's all right for you to want to be someone else, just don't imitate, find you're own way of doing it. You are the way you are, because you were meant to be that way. I don't believe in fate. You make you're own fate. It's all up to you. You chose the path you take, and no one else. If you take the high road, then that's you're choice. We all decide in the end. There is no higher power, it's all in our heads. People have a way of making thing up to explain what they are frightened of. It's the spot theory. We call a disaster just that because it wrecks what we have built, and maybe kills a few people. What makes us think that we should name something like that. I personally don't like the English language, or any language for that matter. Ever have one of those days where you say a word, and it just doesn't sound right? EXACTLY!!!! That's because it isn't. What makes us think that a hot dog should be a hot dog? Doesn't look like a "Heated Canine" now does it. But that goes the same for letters. I read once that the alphabet don't like words. It's like our way of keeping them down. Only A and I don't care cause they are their own words. Matthew Good talks to inanimate objects. He said that thing about the alphabet. He's a pretty cool person. For one I haven't met. I would like to do that some time. Meet Matt. Whadda'ya think?