In a world where everyone's gotta be something, well, I'm empty. A plain clothes officer in a uniformed world. a sorrowful pityer with everything. I am the epitome of sickness. A playful mind, teasing empty taunts. The stars fall from the sky as I pick them off one by one. The empty deliverance of an unsuccessful angel, using others like play-things in a game of show and tell. Keeping secrets close, lies hidden well. The automatic defense, a weapon used perfectly. Needing someone to talk to, only dead ears listening. The feeling of loneliness can't touch the empty boundaries. The words used so lightly, my cutting arrows. I feel them for one, but only as a friend. It could be said that I am meant for a life of solitude helping others as best I can. A happy charade I put on, but the emptiness is still there. Riding the bus of life, the public transit of my mind and heart open for everyone to ride on, for a buck 75. I say things I'm told to, whispered in my ear by a little demon. A disappearing act made plausible, a magicians trick. I am a fault in nature, a graduate slug, an empty heart, mind, soul, with nothing to save me but a word from a mute voice. The solace in darkness, an empty ride through the depths of hell. I write down everything but what I am thinking. The thief, stealing words which aren't mine walking through a desolate forest a barren wasteland of everything I can't see. I am not the listener I believe myself to be. I am not the perfect friend. I am not the helping hand. I am not the shrink I so desperately need. I've sold my skin for a dollar. I've sold my soul for less. The empty affection of a dick needing a cunt. I've sold myself for more than I can handle. An empty solitude is all that I have. Feelings echo around an empty room, the pressure banging closer. I fake happiness for those around me. I pretend I can, I am the ultimate liar, because my angel face lets me get away with it. I talk to strangers, I let them believe I care. I help little kids when they're stuck. But children can see evil. They know when something is bad. I'd say the world owes me something, but I've given it nothing. I'd tell you all to fuck off but you wouldn't understand. I'd tell you I love you all, but I'd be lying again. This seems like an ending note, but it strikes me as a beginning. The beginning of time. A time when the stars don't fall, the skies are blue, the air clean. I don't care about anything. The shallows of my mind grow deeper. The black aura I see around myself won't change. The shroud of darkness killing all good near me. Stealing lines from peoples minds. I am the strangest one of all. No one can beat the incomprehensible anger from me, caused by nothing, cured by nothing. The truth is out there but we can't find it because it's not for us to know. No one knows the truth about anyone, all we know is we think we are who we want to be. How's that for deep. We buy the rights to endless love, but we don't know what to do with it. I say you can shove it up your ass, cause it'll do you as much good there as anywhere. A soured expression. When will it change? The world is a vomiting hell hole filled with shit and fuck ups who can't make up their mind so they become lawyers and business people. The only ones who can make up their minds are the artists, but that's only cause they don't have to . Music, paint, writing, it's all empty feelings, stories laid out by the unqualified, cause that's all we are. I am sorrow untold. I'm the empty headed child who is vaguely aware of what is around him, but can't tell why. The vampirific world sucks you're will and minds until you are just another zombie running free through the schedule they impose. Try breaking free, you can't. Even in death they have you with their religion. It's their way of explaining death. You die, your body ceases all function. THAT'S ALL FOLKS!! God shmod. A poem turned editorial. We are following the empty cycle that they put us through. Fate has no rein. The ending is one we chose. The ripping haters of a scary child. The crazy calls of a lunatic. The only sane one among us is the nut. Can you guess who it is? Try playing sorrow for all it's worth. The world hasn't caught on to what we want to say. I am the voice, but can I be enough. I am sick of hugs when I say something sad. I am sick of pity when things don't go right at home. I am sick of you all pretending you like each other. Say "I hate you" Goddamnit. Don't play along. It's the last year you say, but it's not. We'll all look back on this year and remember our "friends". You don't want them to remember you, and then call you up, reminiscing about the old times, trying to weasel their way back into you're lives. You all think you're high and mighty. But you don't realize that other people think the same thing about you. It's like a hate triangle. Person one hates you(or doesn't even remember who you are), you hate person two, person two likes you, and you like person one. It all comes back to you. It's funny how we are all tied together. Brain clouds get in the way. The only way to get rid of them is to blow up. JUST EXPLODE. You must save your self from all that you think is safe. Bobby dropped off the face of the earth, I wish I could do that. Not be Mandy for a day, but just a spot on the wall. Watch everyone without having to be nice. A break from the everyday. JUST DO IT. I don't recognize anyone from around here anymore. Everyone is just a spot on a big wall and every now and then something bigger than us comes along and cleans up part of the wall and we call it a disaster. I think its great. A cleansing brought on by mother nature. If only it didn't kill the innocent. Just the conceited, and the every day fuckup. I hate it when you have something to say and no one will listen. Some day I'm going to make everyone listen to me. I'm gonna start with you and tell you everything I hate about you all. Someday. BLUNT. Often referred to as rude. I think it's honest. Sparing feelings. P-shaw. Nobody really cares about sparing feelings, just their own asses. I think bluntness should be a way of life. I'm tired of pretending, so I wont anymore. Someday. Somebody once said that we start to die the moment we are born. I guess some people just die faster than others. The best thing you can do is hang around a while.
Frustration
You will notice here, that my attempts to transfer my blog have gone awry. I knew that there were parts missing, and now I've found them. They are all from 2003, the first 25 or so blogs that I posted. So, let us drift back in time once more, enjoy.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
So, I have a friend who's birthday just passed. He lives in California, so we use myspace to communicate mostly. I wished him a happy birthday, and was waiting for him to moderate the comment, so it would show up on his page. I was a little hurt when I started seeing messages that were posted after mine appearing, since mine never did. Today, 16 days later, I have come to a conclusion. It doesn't matter to me that he didn't post the message on his page. All that matters is he had to read it in order to delete it, and in that sense, I still wished him a happy birthday. Mission accomplished!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Most days I don't mind being a girl. Having enormous bazongas along with being moderately attractive have entitled me to a lot of things that a boy cannot get. Simply by asking, I got a total stranger to come to my office and install some blinds. No dude could pull that off. That being said, there are a few things that bug me about being a girl. The most obvious being that of pms and monthlies, which no girl enjoys. What's more in the background is my absolute loathing for people who think they can walk all over me because I am a girl. Sometimes, being blonde factors in to that as well. Today I was almost run off the road by an asshole in a beemer. I watched him, in my rear view mirror, come out from behind me about 4 cars back, then try to cut me off so that he could make a right hand turn. This, my friends, did not happen. It took a lot of honking, swearing and generally looking like I was a crazy person, as well as a talented use of my gas pedal to ensure that he did not force his way in, and force was what he tried to do. These things do not happen to me when I have my 6' 1/2" 260lbs fiance in the car with me, which leads me to believe that it is simply because I am a girl, people think they can do this shit to me. Well, this time he didn't, and when he followed me at an extremely close distance in an attempt at intimidation, I merely waved my sandwich at him, and then my middle finger. What I suppose I am trying to get at here is that judging a person based on how they look, or their sex, is more likely to get you hurt than any thing else. You don't have any clue what the personality of that girl is, and this girl, my friends, never loses a game a chicken.
Thursday, December 27, 2007 : Desiderata - Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth
quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann c.1920
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
We will be heading out to my Aunt-in-law's tonight, hopefully we won't stay too long as I was unwise and mixed wine and vodka in my belly yesterday. Boy that did not work out at all! I can't wait to have all these familial obligations over with so that I can crawl in to my bed and stay there for three days. Yes, I said three, no there is no reason, except that's about how tired I feel. 72 hours dead. Then Christmas will be over, and more sadly, the anticipation.
Anticipation is the food of life. The moment will come and pass quickly, as though it never was, but you will always remember waiting for the moment, the excitement bubbling up as it draws closer, the giddy feelings that you get which make you feel childish and happy at the same time. Make the most of anticipation, because the moment isn't what life is about. It's about the time that leads up to each moment.
Thursday, December 20, 2007: Mr. Anderson: Attacked!!!
Mr. Anderson was violently assaulted today when a Maroon Dodge Stratus left the Canadian Tire parking lot, attempting to turn in to the passing lane, in which Mr. Anderson and I were traveling. The jewel of the entire episode was the reaction of the driver, who leaped from her car and screamed at me "DIDN'T YOU SEE ME COMING?!?!" Thats right folks, it's my fault that she decided to make an illegal turn in front moving traffic at a speed of 60 km/h. Then she left the scene. Never called in a hit-and-run before. New things people, try new things! All I can say is thank you, thank you for making me call the police, as now I do not have to pay a cent for your stupidity. Huzzah for being smart. SMRT!!! Mr. Anderson is not gravely injured. Just a scrape. That's called great driving skills!! Thanks Dad, for teaching me so well.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Since I have been doing a lot of driving lately, the lack of a sirius radio or an MP3 playing stereo has had an effect. Until now I'd never chosen a favourite album, claiming I like them all equally. This is not true. I've been forced to chose one. The Audio of Being. Something about it makes me smile. It makes me want to drive further and faster and there is an odd sense of freedom when I listen to it. I will listen to Truffle Pigs and simply grin like a drunken idiot. I know every word of every song, which cannot be said for any other album. So there it is.
5 interviews in a week. I am optimistic that one of them will pan out, but then, whenever I am optimistic I am wrong. *shrugs*
Friday, October 19, 2007
Ever get something stuck in your head, that no matter what you do, you can't make it stop rolling around inside your cranium like marbles on the floor of a bus? What do you do? I can't stop thinking about someone I used to know. I wrote a note about it on FB, and it is still bothering me. The catharsis of writing it down has never failed me before now. There seems to be no way to get over what I feel is an immense loss. Every so often, I suddenly remember him, and what being around him was like. It causes me to doubt my decision. That is a serious issue for me. I hate to doubt myself. I have never been brimming with self-esteem, and to have these nagging questions looming over me causes my fragile ego to melt away like a small cube of sugar in the rain. I'm all similes today.
I stood in the rain today. There was not enough for puddle jumping. I could use a good bout of puddle jumping. I wish it would snow. I could use some snow-play too. Snowmen, and angels, and snowballs, and jumping in to snowbanks and barrelling down the hill on my board, completely out of control, since I am a total amateur at snowboarding. Still, it's like driving really fast with the wind in your hair, and that's all I'm really seeking when I take up these kinds of sports.
I am taking my Nana out for her birthday this weekend. That should be interesting. My Munkey hasn't seen her more than 3 times in 9 years, so she is very happy that he is coming. Aside from that, my weekend will be consumed by boredom relieved only by sleep. Huzzah for the weekend!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I am feeling a bit silly today. It's a hula-hoop day.
I've made a few adjustments here and there. I am jealous of my other blog, and wish that this one could be easily transferred to the new blogger. *le sigh*
Yesterday I ran in to someone that I would rather have never seen again in my entire life. It was not uncomfortable for me, as I just pretended she wasn't there, which might have been slightly rude, since I ended up talking to her co-worker, with her standing right next to us. In any case, I do not feel bad. She is crazy.
I have started thinking in french. *shrugs* I thought of that sentence in french. I'm thinking in french as I type this, and it is causing a lot of typos, so I think I should stop. The OC is on. Man that show was lame. I used to watch it. It was lame when I watched it. Does that make me lame by association? *shrugs and lames on \m/*
I met some new people today. They are in to something called Emergent Curriculum. Since I had not heard that term before, I have looked it up. It appears to be a curriculum that is directed by the child, and the child's inquisitiveness. With regards to this school's curriculum directly, the teacher introduces an idea to the class, and the children then explore the topic through talk and play. It's an interesting theory, in that it merges other theories to create what could be called the ultimate school experience. I am in favour of this theory, as I have seen several theories work for some children: but no theory that worked for ALL children. Something like Emergent Curriculum seems more likely to reach more children than any one theory could. I hope to see more of these people.
Thank you and good night. *runs away to fetch a munkey*
Thursday, October 04, 2007: Mr. Anderson, and things
Mr. Anderson is fun to drive. At first, I was a little bit scared, since it's about 1.5 of my old car. Now I am whipping around corners and making full use of the .3L difference in my new engine vs. my old one. Surprisingly, the difference is immense. I don’t have to push my car into overdrive just to merge on the highway!!!! (I don’t HAVE to, that doesn’t mean I don’t.) I am quite happy, and can’t wait for a road trip. If only I could escape my family for Thanksgiving, that would give me three days of tooling around the province.
On other fronts, I’m ready to leave my job, as the frustration level isn’t worth the pay-scale. My staff members are used to having their own way in most things, as the last supervisor was a “typical Jamaican” as someone ineloquently put it. I have been fighting an uphill battle to get them to, at the very minimum, provide the kind of supervision necessary in a pre-k school. They do give results with regards to the children’s education; at least this is what I was told. I am quickly learning, though, that a lot of what I was told was lies. Fortunately one staff, who was the most resentful of my lack of favouritism, has decided to leave to take a position elsewhere. I wish her luck, and am very glad she will be out of my hair. In the end, no matter who leaves, I will have to be one of them. The staff that are here are not only older and set in their ways, but also very untrustworthy. I have walked out of my office upon hearing my name countless times, only to be greeted with a suddenly ended conversation, uncomfortable looking people, or one of the staff whispering “Amanda’s there”(I can read lips, they don’t know that). It’s enough to make the sanest person paranoid (and I started out paranoid). This is all aside from the fact that my boss constantly undermines my authority, countermands my decisions and generally stirs the pot against me. Apparently it’s part of her initiation process, but I’m not interested in being initiated. I’ve worked my ass off to get what I have today, and I don’t feel the need to prove myself constantly, or defend my decisions. In the end I don’t want to work in a place where I can trust no one, and will not be able to create honest and open relationships. Or at the very least, rule by fear, since I’ve been told that as the boss, no one will ever like me.
*le sigh*
Thursday, September 27, 2007: Good Bye Comet/Deathnut
Last night was the last drive in the Comet, which was very fitting, as it was only Toad and I, the original cruise-ers. I shall miss the Comet. It was a zippy little car that allowed me to drive like a race-car driver, and still conserve on gas. Being such a small car, I was always able to "fit" myself in to any spot that came along. It was great in the winter, and got us many a time to the hill, with enough space for snowboards and all. With an average of 700km to a 45 litre tank this was a great car, which I would recommend to anyone who isn't planning on having a family just yet. That is the only downfall of my Comet. An infant seat will NOT fit in the back of a two door. I can't make the same claim for the 4 door, as it may be larger. All in all I have been very pleased with the performance of my first vehicle. I will miss you a great deal, my little Comet. You were a car to remember.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 : Over the Edge
Most people from the GTA know of, if they don't listen to, The Edge@102.1. I was a long time listener, until one day I realized that almost every time I turned on the channel, it offended me some how. Now, I will admit, it is easy to offend me, if you have the right topics, because I am very strong in any conviction I choose to uphold. The first time I stopped listening, Dean Blundell played a very bad psuedo rock song, and then followed it with "Now for some REAL rock" and a little Sum 41. I have no problem with Sum 41 as they are quite a catchy little band, but they are in no way REAL rock(at the time, they have progressed a bit since then). Of course, I went back. It didn't take too long for the station to anger me again. The next time I stopped listening was when the morning show crew was suspended for allowing Steve-O and other members of the Jackass crew to "go too far". Um... Helllo?!?!?! JACKASS?!?!?!?! These are the guys who stuff toy cars in their ASS for the giggles it will afford them. For crying out loud, why did you INVITE them to your program? It was wrong of the station's execs to suspend the morning guys simply because the behaviour should be expected, and I'm sure thats what Dean and the boys were thinking. I have never gone back since then for more than a song or two. Most of the time it is the commercials. Like the ones for Ashley Madison (what a quagmire of filth THAT site must be), or the anti-choice commercials, or even this morning, they claimed that men who wear rockports think that Dane Cook isn't funny. I mean come on... your tastes are governed by the shoes you choose to wear? Who writes this crap? What pushed me to write a note today was the strange choice that was made by whomever chooses the line up of music. I enjoy the OutKast song "Ms. Jackson" quite a bit, and happen to know all the words. I'll ask you though, when did OutKast become a rock star? Why do I keep hearing this crossover on what is supposed to be "Toronto's Alternative Station?" Remember when they said New Rock Alternative? The sad part is, I really thought I could get along without my Sirius. Thanks. Thanks a bunch.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Well, to begin, I want to thank Eva. She has gotten me in the spirit of blogging again, and I shall try to update this page as often as is possible. *s’anks*
As it says below, my car was burglarized. They smashed my poor little comet’s window, and took some things that I don’t really care about. Not too bad right? It gets worse. After cancelling my Sirius Thursday night, I called Bell Mobility to report my phone stolen, in order to protect myself from fraudulent use. Usually, you would assume that a company as large as Bell would at least have someone working 24/7 to take care of these reports. Nope. I got to leave a message on an answering service telling them about my phone. Now, after having to deal with “Emily” this made me irate.
It gets worse. Friday I started my day by getting the glass cleaned out of my car, then I headed over to Toyota. Josh and I were planning on turning our lease in very soon at any rate, so we decided to do it now, rather than paying to fix the window, then returning the car in a few months. Toyota was “kind” enough to cover the window, all damages to the car (various dings from a-holes who let their doors swing open in to other peoples doors) and replace the tires(it’s part of our contract, that we replace them at the end of the lease). Kind is in quotes because by doing this, they ate up the excess $2000 that my car was worth, which SHOULD have gone toward my new lease. Big surprise. This took me all day.
Saturday is even worse. We decided to get Josh a cell, get on a family share plan, and try to save some money by cancelling our home phone. Sounds easy right? Back to my favourite automated answering program “Emily.” After navigating the interminable automated system, I get a person, who asked me my phone number. He then filled me in on the cost of a family share plan, and informed me that I should cancel my home phone first. So he transferred me to someone else. Then that woman asked me for my phone number, and informed me that if I wanted, I could use my old home number for my cell number, but that I couldn’t cancel it first if I wanted to do that. So she transferred me back to the guy at mobility; who asked me for my phone number. After buying the family share plan, the man at mobility informed me that I would have to set up a dry loop for my high speed internet, BEFORE I cancelled my home phone, but Sympatico does that and they are closed today. Great. All of this took about 2 hours and at this point I had to get my rental car back to the dealership, so off we went to the mobility store to pick up Josh’s free cell phone. When we get there we realize that the man on the phone didn’t even set our plan up right, and that we were missing the message center feature. Then to Toyota we go, only to find out that our car in not ready, even though they promised me it would be. *le sigh* Upon our return to the house, I called bell again, to set up our new bundle and cancel our home phone. First I talked to someone about changing my cell package to Josh’s name, in order to bundle it. This took about 1.5 hours. I was on hold a lot of that time, and asked my phone number at least 4 times(which means I spoke with at least 4 people, as this is the first question they ask you). Next, I asked to be transferred to whoever cancels phone lines. This went a bit better, and the girl set my phone to be cancelled on the 30th of October, though I could call in and cancel it earlier if the dry loop got set up quickly. They also told me that someone would have to be home for the dry loop setup. Next I was transferred to someone to set up a bundle package, and for some reason was directed to Express Vu. Here is where I started to get angry. The fellow at Express vu tried to tell me that Bell was closed: at 4:30. I’m sorry, but that was not going to fly. I told him if they really were closed at 4:30 on Saturday, then I wanted him to cancel all of my services because I’d been on the phone all freaking day with them, and he changed his tune very rapidly. He asked me my phone number, and then transferred me to the “bundles” department. The girl there set up my bundle for me, but at 4:57 when I asked her the cost I was told that I would have to wait for my bill. At this point I just wanted to be off the phone, but looking back I should have told her to go to hell, and spend the extra 5 minutes after her work day helping me, as I’d spent my whole SATURDAY on their phone system. Then comes Monday. I call Sympatico to set up the dry loop only to find out that they shouldn’t have cancelled my phone line, as Sympatico uses it for the dry loop. They were very efficient and I was off the phone, with a dry loop set up date (which I do NOT have to be present for) in less than 15 minutes. Then I spoke with Bell again, to find out the cost of my new bundle. Here’s a kick in the raisins, it’s more than before. That’s not what I was told when I signed up for the cell phones, which is the only reason I DID sign up for the family share plan. In the end, if I had the extra money right now, I’d just cancel it all; and to hell with Bell.
Thursday, September 20, 2007 : Damn it!
This has been the week of ALL weeks. I have gotten in trouble at work, for other peoples issues three times. I have dealt with immaturity, 3 long delays due to car accidents, an attempted coup and the ever present concern for my poor rear tire, who is leaking badly. Today, in a brief glimmer of hope, I enjoy a small personal victory, in that I found out someone actually HAD my back! Then, as I'm enjoying a lovely evening with my intended, there comes a knock. It was my super, telling me that my car had been broken in to. My satellite radio is gone, but nothing else was taken. My cell phone's location remains unclear. This kind soul was generous tonight. A neighbour's truck was trashed inside, and his satellite radio was taken as well. How very odd. I wonder if these geniuses realize that satellite radios have this thing on it called an ESN number. So the second that I called Sirius to suspend my service, that radio became useless, and also something to tie the criminal to the crime. I love where I live. Everyone is sooooooo smart. SMRT.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
One day sunshine......
Well it's here. The world comes crashing down. For once it's not pms, this time it's my inability to follow my own advice. I'm letting them get me down. I'm letting them get in the way of the goals that I have set for myself. I am letting them make me feel bad, because they don't like me. When on earth will I get over this need to have everyone like me? Should it not make me feel bad that no one will look at me? Should it not make me feel bad that they are "afraid". It should not. Let them be afraid. Let them hate me. In the end, I am doing what I know is right. In the end I am taking care of the charges I've been given. In the end I will still be here.
Thursday, September 06, 2007: Hahahaha
Dear Freshmen,
We, the tenants of 1229 Marlborough Court, understand that you are experiencing a level of freedom otherwise unknown to you. We also realize that you are exuberant in showing the glee that you feel at this new found freedom. What we would like you to realize, is that it is inappropriate to show this glee after dark, in the parking lot, through the overly loud use of your voices. We are jealous! We have to get up early in the morning, and hearing you shout to your friends about how much beer you drank at 3 am in the parking lot is so painfully wrenching, that we can’t help but wish we were carefree and still in college. But you see we are not. We have to get up every day and go to work. We need our sleep. Kindly think of us, the next time you feel like carousing in the lot past dark. We are a sorry bunch of boring adults, who would really appreciate it if you didn’t. This is why you have rented an apartment; where you can close your windows, and scream to your hearts content.
Thank you kindly,
The tenants of 1229 Marlborough Court
Wednesday, September 05, 2007: The Stupids
I have a staff member who just yelled out
"OMG I THOUGHT HER NAME WAS SARAH. WHAT IS IT? ZAHRA?!?! WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?"
Now, for reference, Zahra(another teacher) is in the next room, which shares a moveable fabric wall with the room in which my painfully rude staff member was yelling. Should I go slap her? Should I tell her that she has offended not only my sensibilities, but probably Zahra as well? This is a teacher of very small children. Should she not have basic manners? Should her attitude not be pleasant? Should she not use manners at all times? YES SHE SHOULD!!! This is one of the most basic principals in the history of the world. Do Unto Others: right? I would like to ask her what she would do, should some of the things that escape her gob happen to come at her from someone else. I’ll bet my last dollar that she would be the first up in arms if anyone were to be rude to her. In fact, she seems to have trouble in all her dealings with me, because I am (sometimes unfortunately) very very blunt, as well as brutally honest. What I think, she knows. What I think isn’t very good right now. I’m not sure how long it will be before I have a new teacher. Hopefully, she will settle down, but I have the feeling that this type of personality and mine are not going to meld into a beautiful spinning gear. Poor rude little girl. It must be hard, to not realize what a bitch you actually are.
Thursday, August 16, 2007: J
I am trying to understand
The need you had to hurt me
The want that lay in you
To inflict the harm you did
I am trying to understand
The need you had to lie
The dishonesty kept you safe
From what you were feeling
I am trying to understand
How you could do it over and over
And not even realize the damage
That you inflicted on my heart
I am trying to understand
The choices that you made
Each day that drove you
Further away from me
I am trying to understand
Why a small piece of my heart
Will always be in the bottom
Of your pocket collecting lint
Thursday, August 16, 2007: Purity
You say that I’m pure
You say how did you
End up with me?
I see something you don’t
It’s something you let people miss
I see you
One day you’ll see,
That you’re even better than me
That you are worth more than you get
That you are worth more than you give
That you’re even better than me
You are sweet like the song the doves sing
You are gentle like the breeze that brushes the trees
You are an angel that hides behind broken wings
If he’s not here with you
Then that’s too bad for him
Cause he doesn’t see you
One day you’ll see,
That you’re even better than me
That you are worth more than you get
That you are worth more than you give
That you’re even better than you want me to be.
When you see who you are
And the ice melts away,
Then you'll see who I see
Then if he’s not with you
Then it’s too bad for him,
Because you will see you.
One day you’ll see,
That you’re even better than me
That you are worth more than you get
That you are worth more than you give
That you’re even better than you think I am.
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