Trapped

It's just how I feel at the moment. Where are you new job opportunity?!?!?! Failing that; Where are you Lotto Winnings?!?!?! I'm this close to hari kari.

Poo *TMI ALERT!*

My status message on FB yesterday was something to the effect of changing diapers for a living makes you obsessed with poo(as well as very open about it). Something unrelated is preventing me from sleeping this morning(more on that after it's resolution) and I slowly came to a realization: I have always been obsessed with poo. I thought that it was my job. I think I was wrong. I wonder if there is something wrong with me...... See, here it is; as a child I would paint with my doodies, simply removing my diaper and digging in. I had many a wall to wash up in my youth. As we(read: me and my siblings) got older, we did something that may have been even worse, we fed our dukes to the dog(OMG OMG OMG I can NOT believe I did that!). Eventually my obsession subsided in to charting (in my head) all the different types of deuces that I dropped. Had I ever had an eating disorder, I'd guarantee that it'd be the poop weighing kind. When I got IBS, things got worse for me. The symptoms, and subsequent search for it, made my obsession grow. At one point there was a collection process that I will not describe here! I am now completely unable to drop some kiddies off with out checking them before flushing. Not grabbing them out of there or anything, just looking, making sure everything is a-ok! I think I may have a serious problem. I have to stop with the diapers!

Terrorism

There was an unscheduled vacuuming. Marley was terrorized, please refer to exhibits a-c for evidence.

Exhibit A



Exhibit B



Exhibit C


Definitely an unhappy kitty. Poor Marley-tron! POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR GIIIRRRRRRRL!

The Rocker

So I have just watched the movie The Rocker. It is hilarious. I wish I could say more, but this may help you understand:

Curtis: So.. I had no idea real life was so boring
Fish: And soul crushing, don't forget soul crushing
Curtis: That's a nice suit
Fish: *heaves a sigh*I am going to kill you

Watch it. Do it.

Note: Watch the cafeteria scene quoted above for cameos by my former fellow QEP student, Mark Forward and also Chuck's Vik Sahay

Cat; for free, to a good home!

This is Mar.

My little Marley and I have a love/hate relationship. See... Marley thinks she owns the place, and being a dog person, I have found that hard to handle. Mar used to yell at me to feed her, until I stopped feeding her while she did that. Mar will cry at the bedroom door, not because she is hungry, but because she believes we have slept long enough and should come out and pay attention to her. This is especially prevalent on weekends, when she knows we are awake, and staying home that day. Mar simply demands attention. She gets up on your lap, and will knead you until you pet her. Eventually, you always pet her, even if it is a slight brush just to get her off your lap. To Mar, any attention is good attention. I have been having trouble sleeping lately, so Mar and I have spent a lot of time on the couch together; her kneading me interminably while I try to get some sleep. This morning I refused to pet her. She purred and kneaded, and purred and kneaded, and purred and kneaded. I swear the only thing that protected me from her claws was the thick comforter that I had over me. That's my Marley you see, she kneads you until she claws you, because she knows clawing draws attention! Finally I could take no more(she was kneading my boob you see, and I feared a claw would pierce that blanket, and then my sensitive parts) and I kicked her off the couch. She then proceeded(and continues to do so as I type this) to try to wake her Daddy up. He loves her more than I do, and my little princess knows he will give her all the love she wants! God I hate that cat.

Remember when....

Some of you(two of the three who read this) must remember when I was supervisor. I remember being miserable. I hated my job. I hated the people I worked with. I hated being out of the classroom. I hated how I was supposed to be able to make decisions, but was never allowed to carry them out. I hated the impotence of the word Supervisor. I am now faced with a decision. The position of supervisor has become available at my new place of employment. I have been asked (separately) by two staff members if I was going to try to get that job. I have said before at work that I would be better than what they have now, but a wet towel would be of more use than what they have now, so that isn't saying much. It may be akin to Obama following Bush. On the other side of things, I am 29. I was 27 last time. I have had two jobs since then, which have taught me a lot. I have grow up a lot in the last two years as well, in my thinking, and behaviour. There is the possibility that I could be better. That I can do this, and was simply following bad advice though naivete. I am completely torn. I have no clue whether or not I want this. I do not love my job anymore. I dislike most of the people I work with, and for. When the second owner returns, we will not get along. It will look good on my resume that I was promoted again, proving that I AM capable, and may truly have been wrongfully terminated(which I am sure many interviewers have heard over and over as an excuse for being fired). A raise would help in the mortgage department. In the end, everything seems to even out. Neither the pros or the cons outweigh each other, and I am left completely confused about what it is that I should be doing. This perturbs me. I dislike feeling this unrest, this lack of course. I have been looking for a job. I would like a position in administration; that is basically what being supervisor is. I know not what to do. I am not at ease.

PHOTO POST!

I rarely do this, as my photo capabilites are limited by my crappy camera, but I melted some candles in two bottles of wine from my wedding, and I quite like the results. Here you are, from start to finish!












I hope to melt many more candles in them, because I have this thing.... about fire..... and melting shit......

A Year Older

I turned 29 yesterday. To celebrate we went to Medieval Times!!! I was very excited because I had never been before. The food was very tasty, as was the entertainment. I had a really great time, though I wouldn't suggest anyone go at full price. They are having a buy one, get one free deal at the moment, through the end of February, and at 65$ for two people, it is well worth the price.

Conundrum

I hate where I work; childcare facilities in general, as well as specifically where I am now, as it draws stupid lazy people and this is a large source of frustration for me. One reason for this is that I have a strong work ethic, and do not believe in being lazy at my job. I am being paid, therefore they should receive my best every day. If I can not give my best, I stay home. Another is the very simple fact that we are teachers. We are teaching the next generation of children to be productive members of society. It is not the place to be lazy. My conundrum is this; do I find a job elsewhere, in another field, abandoning the children I have been teaching, as well as all the others to this fetid pool of laziness? Or do I try to take the supervisors position away from the useless woman who is barely able to perform in the position at the moment? I have it on good authority that I may well have a chance at the position. On one hand, it would look great on my resume that two schools in a row promoted me to supervisor. On the other, I failed once at this job. Am I really ready to do it again? In a place that is so obviously falling apart, at that. It would be great if I could turn the school around, but I have never been a leader. From kindergarten to 0ac, I was the kick around kid. Now I am timid in the face of confrontation, or at times, far too aggressive. I do not know how to influence people in a positive manner, as any time I have tried I've been met with anger, and even hatred. Again, though, I wonder if that is a byproduct of the profession. Are the stupid, lazy people just angry with me because they are smart enough to know they are stupid and lazy? Do I sound like a complete asshole yet?

My Husband.

I love my husband. Here is one reason why; at 6 am, when he is still mostly asleep, he checks me out as I leave the bed, and I get a most satisfying MMmmm from him. Now THAT is someone who is good for my ego!

Sparkly

I made some changes. I was told that my background was loud, and may be putting people off. It's probably true, but I am also a loud person, which explains why I went to the trouble of putting that image(which I found while randomly clicking images one day) up as a background and changing my blog to match it. That being said, after having pondered it for a while, I have come to the realization that I may have commited one of those newbie blunders(which is sad as I've had this blog for five years). I may have well as added a bunch of these, and maybe a header with some of this foolishness. I apologize to any eyes I may have offended, and I hope my more sedate look doesn't give you seizures. :D

Thank you, that is all.

Lonely Ego

My ego is lonely. This is what my sitemeter tells me. I wonder.... do I really get NO traffic, or have I done this site metering thing wrong? Also, if I get no traffic.... does that really bother me? I'll get back to you.

Grym-atron

My cat snores. Currently he is sitting on his daddy's chair, snoring his little brains out, making his mummy very, very jealous. How I wish to be snoring at this moment.

2009, first!

So, my first post of 2009. I applied for my marriage certificate yesterday, but I am worried that it will not arrive in time to renew my drivers license and OHIP card.... I was really hoping to not have to pay extra one month after renewing both, just to have my name changed. I suppose it's not a big deal, but it is a lot of time, time which could be spent with my munkey! In other news, the supervisor at my work has come back from Mat-leave. I was really hoping that she would be a great leader, and that things would stop falling apart upon her return. It seems I was mistaken. She has begun harrassing my friend, L, with nonsense and chaff, even writing her up for an infraction another staff gets away with almost daily. They want to get rid of L(for calling the labour board on them), so it seems like New Sup. is going to be the bully for the owner, who spends her days at the school smoking with staff, gossiping, and making my life hard(her 2 year old son is in my class) When will it be that I will have a real job, with a real boss, and real tasks that are not undermined daily. Le. Sigh.

The only true beauty

I saw a photo today that made me dream of living where I could see a storm coming like that. I can see them here, but only a small edge of the oncoming storm clouds. The crux of this dream, which fits very nicely with the rest of my dream home by the way, is that to see this kind of action, I'd have to live on the Pacific coast, the top of a mountain, or the prairies. Since I do not really want to be 3000 miles away from all of my family, the Pacific coast is out. As well as mountians and prairies I suppose. I wonder how I will find a way to see the beauty that nature provides. I must find a way. When in the woods by my home I am, well more home than when I am in my own home. It doesn't matter what season it is, I love the smell of outside. I like how everything smells crisp. You have to wait for rain(or snow) in and around the city for that smell, but up north, no matter what time of year it is, every thing smells so sharply. I miss spending time outside, and I hope to do it more. This rambling was brought to you by an urge to share a photo, and then a lack of self control. Thank you and good night.

Blegh

I am so damned tired of being sick. It's like I am always sick. Arg!

Ghost in the Tank

This morning I was up at 4.30, which is the norm, for about half an hour. Due to the box-like nature of my home, it is very rude of me to bring daylight to the fish tank, earlier than necessary, so I simply sat in the dark, thinking about things. I barely notice the small red light inside the tank that indicates that the heater is on, but today it showed me something very interesting. We have two glass catfish in our tank and they hide all day long. You can catch glimpses of them, but they are never out in plain sight. Last night,in the glow of the red heater light, there were my ghost fish. The two of them were swimming together at the top left corner of the tank, all happy and free in the darkness. After noticing them, I started watching the tank, and then I started noticing our plecos sticking to the walls of the tank. As I watched for the half hour, I realized, our tank is a ghost tank. There are two day time fish, but one hides all day. It is almost an entirely nocturnal tank, which makes it seem boring in the day, but eerily peaceful at night. Watching my Ghost tank was quite calming and I got back to bed very quickly, some nights I don't make it back at all. One day I hope to have a good enough camera to take photos in the dark, and will be able to capture and share the serenity my ghost tank affords me.

Staff Meeting Fun

Christmas concert is in 7 days. Since we have toddlers, Amy and I will be doing most of the singing. Also, the nice golf shirt that I got for Christmas from work may be a uniform in the near future!!! YAY!!! I love uniforms. The great equalizer<3

LOOK WHAT I MADE!!!!

BREAD! It was so easy, I never knew!!! Next attempt will be an Italian Loaf!!!!

Message to L.

It's been a while. I have a friend now, one who I see every day, and with whom I have begun sharing my complaints. I believe that is why I do not write them here anymore. The catharsis of writing was merely my way of working things out, when there was no one around to listen. I started messaging her today, and realized that maybe I should blog it instead; the poor woman must be sick of listening to me complain. I have this problem. It's about work. It started as a problem with my co-worker, and has snowballed in to the realization that when working in an all female environment, there will always be someone there who will take a dislike to me, and cause me no end of torment because of the female tendency to be passive-aggressive. I am also guilty of this flaw, and did something today to prove that, but that is beside the point. I need to work in a co-ed/male dominated field because, simply put, I was raised as a boy. My father did not want to raise the typical woman, being that he is somewhat of a feminist. I know how to change the oil in my car, as well as the brakes, lights, tires and battery. I can build things with my hands, wood and tools. I know the fine art of staining wood, lathing, and what a countersink is. I am not your typical female, and thus, am never going to be comfortable nor successful in an all female environment. The message I wrote to L. is as follows:

no, I not ok. I cried when I came home. I am so tired of being the bad guy. I'm the bad guy with my kids all the time because she keeps undermining me and the decisions I make, she keeps doing little tiny things that make me angry, but look like nothing to other people, I am vocal enough for people to know how I feel, but still respectful enough that I won't just plain call her out on it. I fight depression myself, she doesn't have the corner on that one, and all this stress is only making it worse for me. I am at a point now that I'm going to the DR for meds because I can't control the ups/downs anymore given all the BS I have to put up with at work. I have 8 more days in that classroom and I still feel like I'm drowning every day. I feel worse and worse every day. It's not completely her anymore, but the fact that no matter where I've worked I have ALWAYS had someone like her in my class/school who takes a dislike to me/my ways and then just pokes me and pokes me and pokes me until I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of people who don't respect me. I'm sick of people who assume things about me and then cause me shit because of what they decided. I'm more and more angry because I can't find a way out, because after ten years in the working world, all my experience is childcare, and nobody wants to hire me for anything else. I can't leave my work at work anymore, just as she can't seem to leave home at home.


I believe that there is nothing that I can do. I must somehow learn to accept what is. I can not change what is, so therefore I must learn to live with/around it. All I can do is count down the days, and use each smaller digit as an ever growing life raft floating my away from this sea of hatred and passive-aggressive maneuvering.

That is all.