LOOK WHAT I MADE!!!!

BREAD! It was so easy, I never knew!!! Next attempt will be an Italian Loaf!!!!

Message to L.

It's been a while. I have a friend now, one who I see every day, and with whom I have begun sharing my complaints. I believe that is why I do not write them here anymore. The catharsis of writing was merely my way of working things out, when there was no one around to listen. I started messaging her today, and realized that maybe I should blog it instead; the poor woman must be sick of listening to me complain. I have this problem. It's about work. It started as a problem with my co-worker, and has snowballed in to the realization that when working in an all female environment, there will always be someone there who will take a dislike to me, and cause me no end of torment because of the female tendency to be passive-aggressive. I am also guilty of this flaw, and did something today to prove that, but that is beside the point. I need to work in a co-ed/male dominated field because, simply put, I was raised as a boy. My father did not want to raise the typical woman, being that he is somewhat of a feminist. I know how to change the oil in my car, as well as the brakes, lights, tires and battery. I can build things with my hands, wood and tools. I know the fine art of staining wood, lathing, and what a countersink is. I am not your typical female, and thus, am never going to be comfortable nor successful in an all female environment. The message I wrote to L. is as follows:

no, I not ok. I cried when I came home. I am so tired of being the bad guy. I'm the bad guy with my kids all the time because she keeps undermining me and the decisions I make, she keeps doing little tiny things that make me angry, but look like nothing to other people, I am vocal enough for people to know how I feel, but still respectful enough that I won't just plain call her out on it. I fight depression myself, she doesn't have the corner on that one, and all this stress is only making it worse for me. I am at a point now that I'm going to the DR for meds because I can't control the ups/downs anymore given all the BS I have to put up with at work. I have 8 more days in that classroom and I still feel like I'm drowning every day. I feel worse and worse every day. It's not completely her anymore, but the fact that no matter where I've worked I have ALWAYS had someone like her in my class/school who takes a dislike to me/my ways and then just pokes me and pokes me and pokes me until I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of people who don't respect me. I'm sick of people who assume things about me and then cause me shit because of what they decided. I'm more and more angry because I can't find a way out, because after ten years in the working world, all my experience is childcare, and nobody wants to hire me for anything else. I can't leave my work at work anymore, just as she can't seem to leave home at home.


I believe that there is nothing that I can do. I must somehow learn to accept what is. I can not change what is, so therefore I must learn to live with/around it. All I can do is count down the days, and use each smaller digit as an ever growing life raft floating my away from this sea of hatred and passive-aggressive maneuvering.

That is all.