The only true beauty

I saw a photo today that made me dream of living where I could see a storm coming like that. I can see them here, but only a small edge of the oncoming storm clouds. The crux of this dream, which fits very nicely with the rest of my dream home by the way, is that to see this kind of action, I'd have to live on the Pacific coast, the top of a mountain, or the prairies. Since I do not really want to be 3000 miles away from all of my family, the Pacific coast is out. As well as mountians and prairies I suppose. I wonder how I will find a way to see the beauty that nature provides. I must find a way. When in the woods by my home I am, well more home than when I am in my own home. It doesn't matter what season it is, I love the smell of outside. I like how everything smells crisp. You have to wait for rain(or snow) in and around the city for that smell, but up north, no matter what time of year it is, every thing smells so sharply. I miss spending time outside, and I hope to do it more. This rambling was brought to you by an urge to share a photo, and then a lack of self control. Thank you and good night.

Blegh

I am so damned tired of being sick. It's like I am always sick. Arg!

Ghost in the Tank

This morning I was up at 4.30, which is the norm, for about half an hour. Due to the box-like nature of my home, it is very rude of me to bring daylight to the fish tank, earlier than necessary, so I simply sat in the dark, thinking about things. I barely notice the small red light inside the tank that indicates that the heater is on, but today it showed me something very interesting. We have two glass catfish in our tank and they hide all day long. You can catch glimpses of them, but they are never out in plain sight. Last night,in the glow of the red heater light, there were my ghost fish. The two of them were swimming together at the top left corner of the tank, all happy and free in the darkness. After noticing them, I started watching the tank, and then I started noticing our plecos sticking to the walls of the tank. As I watched for the half hour, I realized, our tank is a ghost tank. There are two day time fish, but one hides all day. It is almost an entirely nocturnal tank, which makes it seem boring in the day, but eerily peaceful at night. Watching my Ghost tank was quite calming and I got back to bed very quickly, some nights I don't make it back at all. One day I hope to have a good enough camera to take photos in the dark, and will be able to capture and share the serenity my ghost tank affords me.

Staff Meeting Fun

Christmas concert is in 7 days. Since we have toddlers, Amy and I will be doing most of the singing. Also, the nice golf shirt that I got for Christmas from work may be a uniform in the near future!!! YAY!!! I love uniforms. The great equalizer<3

LOOK WHAT I MADE!!!!

BREAD! It was so easy, I never knew!!! Next attempt will be an Italian Loaf!!!!

Message to L.

It's been a while. I have a friend now, one who I see every day, and with whom I have begun sharing my complaints. I believe that is why I do not write them here anymore. The catharsis of writing was merely my way of working things out, when there was no one around to listen. I started messaging her today, and realized that maybe I should blog it instead; the poor woman must be sick of listening to me complain. I have this problem. It's about work. It started as a problem with my co-worker, and has snowballed in to the realization that when working in an all female environment, there will always be someone there who will take a dislike to me, and cause me no end of torment because of the female tendency to be passive-aggressive. I am also guilty of this flaw, and did something today to prove that, but that is beside the point. I need to work in a co-ed/male dominated field because, simply put, I was raised as a boy. My father did not want to raise the typical woman, being that he is somewhat of a feminist. I know how to change the oil in my car, as well as the brakes, lights, tires and battery. I can build things with my hands, wood and tools. I know the fine art of staining wood, lathing, and what a countersink is. I am not your typical female, and thus, am never going to be comfortable nor successful in an all female environment. The message I wrote to L. is as follows:

no, I not ok. I cried when I came home. I am so tired of being the bad guy. I'm the bad guy with my kids all the time because she keeps undermining me and the decisions I make, she keeps doing little tiny things that make me angry, but look like nothing to other people, I am vocal enough for people to know how I feel, but still respectful enough that I won't just plain call her out on it. I fight depression myself, she doesn't have the corner on that one, and all this stress is only making it worse for me. I am at a point now that I'm going to the DR for meds because I can't control the ups/downs anymore given all the BS I have to put up with at work. I have 8 more days in that classroom and I still feel like I'm drowning every day. I feel worse and worse every day. It's not completely her anymore, but the fact that no matter where I've worked I have ALWAYS had someone like her in my class/school who takes a dislike to me/my ways and then just pokes me and pokes me and pokes me until I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of people who don't respect me. I'm sick of people who assume things about me and then cause me shit because of what they decided. I'm more and more angry because I can't find a way out, because after ten years in the working world, all my experience is childcare, and nobody wants to hire me for anything else. I can't leave my work at work anymore, just as she can't seem to leave home at home.


I believe that there is nothing that I can do. I must somehow learn to accept what is. I can not change what is, so therefore I must learn to live with/around it. All I can do is count down the days, and use each smaller digit as an ever growing life raft floating my away from this sea of hatred and passive-aggressive maneuvering.

That is all.

T-Minus 7 days

I woke up this morning at about 6.30 am. I wake up every morning at about 6.30, unless I am on the early shift(which thankfully I will not be on again for a long while) in which case I wake up at 6. Usually, if I don't have to be up, I can go back to sleep. Not in the past week. The excitement of my upcoming nuptials is beginning to take effect. So here I am, blogging at 7.30 am, when I am going out for a night of debauchery with my co-workers(and one sister) tonight, and thinking, it's a damned good thing I moved my hair appointment to the afternoon rather than the morning, allowing for some nap-time! YAY!!!!!

Stress-me-not

So I had a little freak out. There was still a lot to do, and very little time. Eventually I calmed down (after wreaking MUCH havoc) and now that we are a little closer, I have found that each little thing that gets ticked off is like a huge weight off my shoulders. Seven days people!

In My Brain

I know that I complain a lot about the building I live in as well as my particular geographic location. Recently there was a notice posted with regards to a recent act of public urination, informing the wonderful tenants who live here that it was both disrespectful AND illegal to pee in front of someones door. This is not my complain tonight. It has nothing to do with my neighbours. It really has nothing to do with the building itself. My problem tonight is this: Sirens. I hear sirens all the time. I can hear them right now. This is a photo from my balcony, the arrows point to where I can actually see the highway[when there are no leaves on the trees, and especially now since they cut down the fir tree in the foreground there :( ].



If it wasn't bad enough to be a stones throw away from the highway, the main road to and from the hospital is right behind my building. If it isn't emergency vehicles on the highway(which probably makes up about 40%) it's emergency vehicles on the main street behind me. A lot of ambulances, but also fire trucks. Let us not forget the times that they come screaming down our street with their wretched noise pollution, since there are a great many elderly people in the condos you see in the photo. Oh and did I mention that the cop shop is also in the block on the other side of the main road from me? It's like I live in the Hub'O'Siren. I cannot WAIT to be free of this cement block cell I currently call home. Enough is enough, people were NOT meant to live this way!

Palin/Biden Debate

What a train wreck that Sarah Palin is! How many times can someone say Maverick, and Newkewlar? How does someone like this even get to be Mayor or Governor?!?!? I fear for the future of the planet, should the backward "win" again. FEAR!

McCain - neither deep, nor delicious

An interesting theory has recently been brought to my attention. I believe that it is a widely accepted fact among the intelligent and well informed that the Republican party are akin to a den of vipers, constantly plotting their evil ways of ruining the world. This Sarah Palin nomination seems to be the newest in a long string of what are very clever, extremely devious moves on the part of the elephant in the room. After suspending his campaign, there is no way that I can believe that McCain is a real candidate anymore. I think they are leaving the door open for the Dem's, so that THEY are responsible for the hardship the US(and the world economy) will have to endure following the raping the Rep's have commited upon the American people. Then in four years, the Republicans can swoop in and save the day from those Evil Democrats! YIKES!

Psst, Fall is coming

Today was one of those days where it is just cool enough to remind you that fall is around the corner. I love days like this, when you can't decided on a sweater or a heavy shirt. Runners or Crocs? You go for a walk and when you come back you are energized, but your skin is slightly chilly. Too bad I witness today's beauty from my bed. Stupid flu. GO AWAY!!!!!

LHC First Beam : 4.28pm EDT

Please Note: The world has not ended.


That is all.

My Typo'd Brain

There is a post down there that is several letters shorter, as well as a couple (in bold) corrections. I apologize, there is no excuse for my laziness in editing.

Zoo

I work in a zoo.


That is all.

Su Adamson

Someone that I knew a long time ago died recently. She was a wonderful, sweet woman, probably one of the nicest ones I've ever known. I hope that she finds peace.

My Hardcore Lame

I get way too happy when Pacey and Joey get together. It fills me with a joy that brings tears to my eyes. There is a reason for this; it is both saccharine and juvenile. To the latter, I love Joshua Jackson, ever since Mighty Ducks. *Sighs* Top that off with the fact that the Pacey character is the perfect boyfriend; thoughtful, romantic, gentlemanly. It's like a teen girls dream, one which I still have not gotten over. As for the former, Joey and Pacey are meant to be together. The writers were careful to develop the Joey/Pacey storyline in a way that you can see how perfect they are together, and how well their personalities compliment each other. When they have a "moment" you are on the edge of your seat, holding your breath and hoping that everything works out for them. Well, my friends, this is where I make you sick. The reason I love this so damned much, is because it is a mirror image of Josh and I. That's right folks, I only love Pacey and Joey, because they are the picture perfect, TV image of my sweetie and me. Josh loves me like Pacey loves Joey, and vice versa. It's like a vice grip on our hearts. We fight, some times for days. Then it's resolved, our problems seem to disappear and I spend my workday counting the minutes until I get to see him again. I am so very lucky to have what can only be called a dream come true.

Allo? Pico?

I haven't been here in a while, which is a little sad, since many days I am driving around thinking of all number of things to write here. Then I get home, and I forget what I wanted to say. I wish I could blog from the car, using voice rec software. That would be AWESOME. Then I could embark on an in depth discussion of how clouds are the single most amazing thing within the boundaries of our planet's ozone layer. CLOUDS RULE!!!!! Later

Where I Stood

I get most of my new music from tv. Thanks SYTYCD.


I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

~Missy Higgins

Pancho's Lament ~ Promise Me This

It's been a long time since I heard this song. I've got this guilty pleasure that totally sends me to the top of the nerd class, but I love Dawson's Creek. I know. *shame* The first time I heard this song was in the episode where Pacey realizes that he is in love with Joey. I love it. I'm so gay.

is that the sound of knocking at my window
lord I'm trying trying to let you in
but the mirror stares me like a stranger
I'm learning how to begin again

promise me this
you will never understand me
promise me this
you will always always
hold me like you hold me now
hold me like you're holding me now
promise me this

I thought of you when my faith began to wander
it woke me up in the middle of the night
I've so many places I can run to
let's not run away this time

promise me this

Not Smart Enough

I wish I knew how to fix the little problem I am having there ----------------->

I tried making a longer box, but it messed things up even worse :( Damn you HTML textbook, RELINQUISH YOUR INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!!

Mookie dat!

I have recently acquired the One Republic Album Dreaming Out Loud and Weezer's Red Album. The 1R album was ok. I feel that when it comes to ballads these boys hit the mark. They are corny, but sing-able(if you don't mind screeching, as this sort of soprano is usually confined to Mariah albums and eunuch choirs). The ballads are my favourites, and are mostly equal in that respect. However, when it comes to their attempts at "artsy" songs or rock-ish music, they sound just that: an attempt. A poor one I must say. Overall it is an ok album, if you like that sort of thing, or you are 12 a twelve year old girl.

The Weezer album is, well, Weezer. Some songs are absolutely wicked. Others are songs that I will enjoy in time. Everybody Get Dangerous is going to take a LONG time. Heart songs was an instant favourite. I am now thanking my lucky stars I work so close to my home. This way I'm not tempted to listen to "that station" so I'm not subjected to their violent abuse of good Weezer songs, placed in super high rotation so that you are sick of them before you even get the album. Also, that Pork and Beans is so wicked it can't be ruined. GO ANTHEM!!!

Thank you.

That is all.

Snippet

Have I laid it too bare
What is really fair
Since when did you care

I have been lost before.

Remember me?

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin' what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin' new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin' on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

~ One Republic, Apologize

For The Environ

I told off a lady in an H3 today. 'Nuff said.


*additionally, it was far more effective, and far less ill conceived than this http://dublinsaab.blogspot.com/2007/07/for-environ.html *

Money!

Gainfully employed. HUZZAH!!!!!!

Five Across the Eyes.

So, as some of you may have heard, I am having issues with my former boss about getting paid, which may lead to my eviction from my apartment, depending on how things go on Monday. So, suffice it to say, I am in a foul mood. Probably one of the worst I've been in for an extremely long time. The possibility of homelessness will do that to a person. Today, I may have stepped out of the boundaries of sanity though. I went to see my mum, and on the way I stopped at the mall to get her some nose rings, as she'd lost all of hers(the little devils are hard to hold on to!!!) On my way out of the mall I was kind enough to stop and hold the door for two girls who were walking in. The thanks I got for this gesture was a sotto voce comment regarding my apparel, and weight. I lost my cool immediately. This is how it went:

Chippy: Omg, look at that pot belling hanging out of her shirt.
Myself: WHAT?!?!?!(close to a yell, but mostly incredulity)

She turned around to look at me, shocked I suppose, that I hadn't just let her say this about me. This is where I smacked her. She didn't even have a chance to respond. I hit her square in the cheek with my open hand. I hit her so hard the convenience store clerk looked up immediately. I followed up with:

Myself: You'd better watch what kind of shit you talk, because you can never know what the other person will do. If you hadn't grown up in Oakville, you'd have learned THAT lesson LONG ago.

I do not, and will never regret teaching an Oakville girl (full hair and make-up/designer clothes, shoes and handbags, usually found to be looking down on someone who gives less importance to looks/money and more on intelligence)a lesson. It was one that I hope she will not soon forget.

Gah!

I can not sleep. I have been up since 4. It isn't a big surprise, given that I may be homeless at the end of the month, and yet I am disappointed. Sleep is the only time I am not stressing out. It's my escapism. I hate to have it interrupted.

Fucked again

I am currently chasing down my boss for my pay. Why am I constantly being subjected to this type of scum?

*update* I have a cheque. A cheque taped to a door, because god forbid he should see me in person. It is post dated. Is this to ensure some money gets in to the account, or that all the money comes out first?!?!?! We shall see.

<3Kitty Love<3

My cats rarely cuddle, and I caught them doing it twice in one day!!!








If you look closely you will see that Grym is actually hugging his sister! So sweet.<3

Nature

Is it a training issue that, for the most part as a society, we seem to think with our hearts and not necessarily our heads.

Les fichues personnes âgées prennent mon temps

I would be finished work today, but les vieux are slow and thus still not done packing up their classroom. I have to get up at 7 again tomorrow, to go to work for one hour :| *shakes her fist and curses* vieux condamné

Ooooo

Two weeks to summer break! Matt Good tomorrow night! WOOOOOOOOOOOO

*simmers......a touch....*

The Grief Cycle

I have been reduced to tears. As a proponent of Karma I wonder, what have I done that has brought this down on me. I sit here with a box of tissues, sobbing uncontrollably, and barely able to type: Yet I push onward, as getting it out is the only way to get rid of it. I have gone through the cycle of grief in the past 7 months. First there was denial. She didn't mean to fire me, she was just angry and she will call me back in tomorrow. Then I was angry. I was absolutely livid that after having worked so hard, and wasted so much of my life, I can be tossed aside as though I were nothing. Next came bargaining; in my pre-sleep wanderings I mulled many possibilities of getting my job back, and what I should do it ensure it. I have now reached depression, and I long for acceptance, since this is possibly the worst part. It has just been compounded by the fact that my former supervisor, whom I called friend once, just blamed me for her lack of response to my emails, and told me in no uncertain terms that she would only give me a phone reference which does me absolutely no good because the last time she did that she screwed me out of a job. So I ask, what is it that I have done in my life to deserve this. I was a good, loyal employee for four years until I was abruptly, and against my will, terminated. What recourse does someone have when they have given away their time, life, and labour to a scum bag who uses people and spits them out. I am driving myself deeper every day, with two bits of knowledge. 1) R's advice was that of someone living vicariously. Everything she told me I should do(this is my mentor and teacher when it comes to being a supervisor) were things that she would SAY she'd do, but then never actually go through with. Were I less naive I would have seen that and not taken her advice. 2) Josh, my mother, my brother, they all told me the same thing, over and over and over: GET OUT! I replied "they are going to make me supervisor" over and over and over. I wasted all that time, because, yeah, I was supervisor, but now I have to tell people in interviews why I moved from supervisor to back down to lead teacher. The only bright side is that at least by telling prospective employers the truth, I won't be hired by any rule-bending a-wads that don't want a stickler in their midst. There is the slim possibility that there is someone out there that is decent and hard working and honest, who would love to have me in their employ. Whom I would love to work for. Where's my rainbow? Forget the end man, I'd just like to catch a glimpse of it. Sadly, this was not as cathartic as I'd hoped, so I shall dull the pain in other ways. Thank you Ego, you are always a good shoulder to cry on.

Beauty

I get lucky sometimes and a picture that is good gets taken. I agree with Geoff, Facebook rapes your photos. This is better.

Hillary Clinton

What is she doing?!?!?! With no hope of winning, she seems to be trying to bring down Barak Obama. The C/T in me thinks it's a republican attack, that she is a party infiltrator trying to at once bring down the one thing most republicans never want to see, as well as sully the democratic party, making them look like in-fighters. Either that or someone paid her a lot of money. Either way.... Yikes.

Moral Orel

How do they get away with this? I thought the right had it all locked up down there. For once I am saying huzzah for freedom of speech!!!


*psst: the title is a link to the show!*

Crazy-go-What?!!?

I maintain that all old people have gone off their rocker. I wonder if we are under biological attack; ruin by insanity. In the last week I have encountered six different people of the elderly persuasion who have behaved in a most irrational manner. Maybe they are sick of youth disrespect and they "ain't takin it no more!" or maybe it's the moon, but it is way overboard this week. Deemed: Worst Week 2008(so far)


Oh yeah...

NEW LOST TONIGHT!!!!!!!

What the

So I have little to say, but feel as though I am neglecting my ego.


Dear Ego,

Lately I have been feeling lazy. Lazy about everything. Josh feels it too. The kitchen is a mess. I finally vacuumed and mopped today, two days late. There is a balcony to sweep, cats to brush, course planning to do, materials to be made, and invitations to boot. Still it seems as though maybe I'm getting quite a bit done. I've actually stuck to the workout routine I've created for myself, and the hall closets are both newly organized. The big windows have been cleaned(twice, to no avail, damn you windows, DAMN YOU!!!!!) I've got a guest list, which I did not have two days ago. I think things are quite balanced, now that I ponder on it. The in box will be full when I die as they say!

Onward Jeeves!
Mandy

Cheaters = Traitors

This whole Elliot Spitzer thing seems to have brought a lot of assholes out of the woodwork. I have run in to a few very disconcerting articles on Digg, related to cheating.

Surviving infidelity

The title of the article itself bothers me. There should be no "surviving" infidelity, beyond that of surviving the aftermath of the breakup that SHOULD ensue. If you feel the need to be unfaithful, then you should leave the person you are with. They are obviously not meeting your needs and it is wrong to betray their trust.

Faithfulness is a Fantasy "Sexual promiscuity is rampant throughout nature, and true faithfulness a fond fantasy" Oy. I thought that what put us on top was our ability to become more than animals. To take nature and manipulate for our own needs. To grow in to something that is not instinctual, but driven by logic and reason. What can I say, other than I am not surprised that when a rich democrat gets caught cheating, suddenly there are a large amount of "It's ok to cheat, it's part of nature" articles popping up everywhere. I am taking my stand here. It is not ok to cheat. It is NEVER ok to cheat. If you cheat, you are a traitor, and should be punished as such. With a vicious ass kicking from the family of the person you cheated on.

Spring has sprung

It smells like the world is warming up. Mmmmmmmmmm

HAPPY ST. PADDY'S!!!!

5.66Gb, 1356 files

My music library is respectable, at least in size, if not quality. This in itself caused an issue, as we were beginning to be limited severely by the size of the hard drive on the old computer (now dubbed "The Bitch") For two years now, my library has grown more slowly, constricted by size issues, and more than 70% of it was not on the pc, and only accessible when the disc it was saved on was in the pc. Now that we have a new computer (dubbed "The Beast") I am super excited, cause there is nothing on The Bitch anymore. No programs except what we need to run it, and so that leaves me with a LOT of room for music. Welcome back Library, and play ye well.

March Break

March break is here, and with it, the beast is born. After a lot of frustration, aggravation, and $50 to the computer guy across the street, the Beast is up and running. Then, after some more aggravation, I have finally connected both of them to the router, and we are off and running!!! Right now, Josh is looking at Digg, while I blog, and life could not be sweeter. I am such a dork. Anyway, hoping to get in some snowboarding these next two weeks, or at the very least some skating. WOO MARCH BREAK!!!!!!!

***************
Paint Your Snow
Add plenty of food colouring to water, and voila, snow paint!
Paint your snow families, forts, paint a picture on the snow!!!!
Just remember, the more food colouring you add,
the stronger your colours will look!
***************

Snow day? NO WAY!

My phone rang at 6.45 am today. I excitedly jumped out of bed, and answered it, expecting to hear those wonderful words; We are closed for a snow day. This is not what I heard. My boss, strangely, called me and told me that we ARE open, and that I should use my best judgment about whether or not to go in. Now, with the exception of the last snow storm we had(a couple days ago) I have never in my life even said "Whoa, this storm is dangerous". The last storm was an exception, simply because of the near freezing temps, and the sheer ice that was forming under the snow on the roadways. Ultimately, if I want to be paid, I must go in. If I want to drive in the snow, and I assure you I do every chance I get; then I must go in. My best judgment tells me going to work today is the right thing to do, especially since it is only 2 more days until MARCH BREAK!!!!!!! *packs snow gear, and heads to work*

Snow me baby!

If this prediction is true, this might be the happiest first day of March Break EVER!!!!!!!!!!!














*****This has been retracted. Damn you Weather Network!!!!*****

Good Bye, Stage6

YEAH ....... Finally they nailed the big guy!!!!!!!!! I was the owner of Moviethis.com and the MPAA kept coming after me for illegal copyright infringement for LINKING to external sites mostly to Stage6 (Which they actually hosted the illegal content)....... I am so freeking happy w00t!!!!!!!!

One thing I do wonder is why they paid an employee to write an internet wide letter to lie about the shutdown..... Losses? They didn't have losses, most of the moderators of the stage6 site were volunteers like you and me. The advertising probably brought in 6-10 grand a day.

Im just glad they got the big guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a response to a question asked at yahoo answers, regarding the shut down of Stage6. I thoroughly dislike the "it happened to me, so it should happen to everyone" attitude, and were I able to speak with the poster personally, I would ream him till next Sunday. I will miss Stage6, whether they are shutting down due to pressure from the MPAA, or because of the reason they are giving; overhead costs. I wonder if this person understands the repercussions of a site being shut down that is as widely known as Stage6, and if he did, would he be so happy? Huzzah, the government is taking over all aspects of our private lives!!! Hurray, the corporations are taking over the government!!! YAY, Big Business will own the world, and we will all be slaves!!!!! Moron.

Snow Make Smart?

I went to visit my brother today, and on the way home I encountered something interesting. I thought that I would be late to pick up Josh, because of a certain section of highway. We have an HOV lane running the 403 from around Winston Churchill to near the 401 connector. Normally, traffic along this part of the highway crawls at drive time, while the HOV lane seems to fly. Today, though, I never came to a stop, and rarely dipped below 60 km/h. Why, I asked myself, did traffic seem to move better in the snow, than on a sunny, dry day? I looked around me and noticed something different. Everyone was leaving space between them and the car in front. This is something that I rarely see, usually having to nose my way in to a lane. Interesting, how when we don't ride each others asses, traffic moves better! The reason for this seems to be the HOV lane itself. People stay in it until their exit is coming up, then jump out, cut three lanes across, and exit. In the snow, this is no problem, as there is usually plenty of room for them to get across. In dry weather, well the asshole in everyone takes over, and we couldn't possibly leave space between the car in front of us, as then someone else might get in there, and then we'd be further behind. Too bad though that drive time traffic today only added five minutes to my drive, simply because fear out weighed ego.

Why Do I?

Why do I got to bed at 9:30? Now I'm awake, at 6:30, and no one else is. I'm bored.

Cats are Dumb

+





=

Addicted to Superbugs

Surprise, Surprise, Oakville has complimentary superbug potion in the mall. Oy Malloy....



Now, I have a thing about antibacterials. Ask any Doctor, Scientist or even Health Inspector, and they will tell you this: Antibacterials are neither necessary, nor healthy. Even time you use this stuff, you are killing off 99% of the bacteria on your hands, right? Stop and think about that for a second. 99%. We have bacteria on our hands that protect our bodies from infectious agents. We have them everywhere. They live on our eyelashes and tongues and even in our digestive systems. We need them. Of course, this is only half the problem. The other side of the coin has people overusing antibacterials and antibiotics, aiding in the creation of what could be the next world plague. Superbugs are not a myth. These infectious little fiends are simply every day bugs which have become immune to the various "Anti's" that we use. One day, we will be the death of ourselves, because we fail to see the long term effects of our foolish meanderings. Long Live Stupidity!!!

This Week in Assholics Anonymous

I suppose because of the places that I frequent, I encounter a lot of dillholes. I live in a community that is comprised of about 80% upper class. It's poop, because they are mostly full of themselves, and tend not to pay attention to the people around them. Unfortunately, even the middle to lower class people behave in this way, more than likely as a type of defense for the over powering arrogance that oozes from the typical Oakville-ite. I went to pick up Josh the other day, for his lunch. I followed a car in to the lot, which stopped in the middle of the lot, while one passenger got out, moved his car, and the first car entered the spot which was vacated. The second car then pulled in to the middle of the parking lot, and the two men continued to have a chat.

All the while I am sitting patiently, waiting for them to move so that I may park in the visitors parking. I couldn't believe that they would continue their conversation with me sitting right there, obviously wanting to get by, as my car is still running, and I'm not parked, I am in fact blocking the cars that ARE parked. The man standing outside the car is an executive at Josh's place of work, a man who typically thinks little of others, and mostly of himself. It's a sad day when you can't even be bothered to pull your car off to the side of the drive way, in order to allow other cars to get by. I give these two first prize for dickish move of the week!

Toronto is Pussy

GTA "Hammered"


Maybe I am less a-feared of snow than most people, but having lived in Canada my whole life I find articles like that to be incredibly amusing.

Click me, I dare ya......

It is 2:30 am, and due to gastro-intestinal dysfunction; I am awake. This sucks, but as a way to get over it, I will blog to my hearts content. I have of late begun watching tv online as there is a plethora of sites where you can see a huge variety of shows. Since I've been working part time, I've been able to keep up with the shows that I usually watch, which are all complete now, as the writers are still striking. This has lead me to some random clicking, in order to find something to entertain my dull mind. I have recently come upon a show called Traveler that was only 8 episodes long. It seemed like a good show, gripping, good story, well acted and written. So why only 8 episodes? Well, let me tell you a bit about the show. It features two grad students, who are on the run from the FBI, after being framed for the bombing of the fictional "Drexler Museum" in New York. They were seemingly set up by their friend "Will Traveler" who turns out not to be a fellow student, but an agent in a covert operation, called "Project Hometown". This is where it got interesting. The main character "Jay" made a glib comment near the beginning of the show that should they catch him, he'd be sent straight to Guantanamo. Project Hometown was being run by the former head of the FBI, who is now the new head of Homeland Security. It's worth watching, even though it is completely unfinished and they have given up hopes of revival. Now, I watch lots of shows that have been canceled unduly i.e. Wonderfalls,Tru Calling,Carnivale, Firefly and never have I seen anyone give up so quickly on their show. The director posted an answers blog explaining the different groups that were alluded to during the course of the eight episodes, effectively ending any ideas that there would be a revival. The conspiracist in me can't help but wonder if this shows canceling was due more to it's subject matter than lack of interest. I've linked the title of this post to the shows page at surfthechannel. Have a gander if you have the time. I think it's worth it.

Oy

I think that is everything. *fingers crossed*

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Written by a friend, thought of you

7 Days until the Final Flight
on Day 1 i will quit everything sobriety for the journey
Day 2 to make ammends
Day 3 To celebrate family and friends
Day 4 To be charitable to those i meet
Day 5 to say my goodbyes to those i know those i touched and fuck you to those who hated me
Day 6 For deep introspection a look at my inner self and put it to words for those to come
Day 7 Take to the skies and attempt to fly the body will fall but the mind will soar
Bert (Monk)

Thursday, May 29, 2003

Dear Munkey, I love you with all my heart. Remembering things I once knew has made me realize that there is only one person in my whole life that loves me the way I always hoped for. Thank you.

Remember long days past
remembering the scents and sights
remembering the feelings
left far behind
I remember you,
and what you said to me,
and i think about it now,
and it makes me sad
to know that i put more value
on what was once ours
than you ever did
and i realize my luck
to have found it twice
and love the one i do
all the more for it.
Someone who loves me
for exactly who i am
someone who never
wants me to change
someone who takes
everything i say
at face value, and at my word
and doesn't listen to whispers,
sent to rip apart
the one thing i have
the one thing i give
the one thing i want
the love we live.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

I am suddenly remembering a wealth of emotions. I miss you. more than words can say. and all I wanted was a minute of your time a second in the long run, but to much to ask at the time. you listened to foolish words and now I'm left to pick up piecing of what is left behind. I read what i wrote and remember everything about that day. Your face, the heat, the smell of you and fresh grass, and I cry for times lost, and never returned. I hope one day you remember me the way i remember you and not the way we've turned out to be. cause i miss that man that stood before me, and told me i wasn't enough. Cause for all your faults i still love you today and hope for only the best. This is a good bye note more than anything because things are unchangeable, but if i had the chance i would never have let you go, miss you that much. I love you. you have a special place in my heart. for my whole life you will be remembered, and fondly at that. It is my hope that one day we will meet again and friendship will remain, for we have a destiny you and me. and i believe it is meant to be.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

In the confusion i see you
you're there just as i am
but you are different
you fit in completely
but stand out enough
for me to find you
The one who is in my dreams
the one who is the ONLY one
who understands
even though you don't understand.
no one can understand
there is too much there
and an eternity you don't have
i love you anyway
no matter what
for you are everything and nothing
you are my keeper
and my holder
i am your captive
yet I am free to go
I would leave
but a spell is set
unintentional and unrequited love
are the most painful, and yet
the best for you to learn and try not to repeat
it is your nature
you must repeat it
so you are doomed to the destitute
of loving one and yet loving all
and loving without end
I am love and you are my object
you hold me captive without attempting to
understand and that is why i love you.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003 : Oct 97

May 28 2003: Ever had your heart broken. I mean Stepped on. Crushed to the point you don't think you can EVER become a whole person again. I have. I cried:
When you finally see the light,
give me a call he said.
When you stop being cute
and you grow up,
gimme a call he said.
Well I've grown up,
and i don't like it,
stuck between cute and pretty,
can't make up my mind
about the things i have put away.
I'm being split in two,
by no one at all,
it could all be over,
if he'd only call,
I hate being dependant,
i hate needing him,
if i could only find him,
I'd tell him what i thought.
He's a hurdle,
thats just an inch too high,
and i can't get past it,
and it's bringing me down.
I'm being split in two,
by no one at all
it could all be over
if he'd only call.
Why are you nice to me,
I'm just a bitch
i can't do any good
my mother told me so
so why do you talk to me
I'm not too bright
I'm not going anywhere
my daddy told me so.
Why do you like me
I'm just a slut
I'm an easy lay,
My ex-boyfriend told me so.
I'm being split in two
by no one at all
it could all be over,
if he'd only call

Thursday, May 22, 2003

ghI feel like shit.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Hey, Long time. I'm good. Yeah, we're in the new place. It's cool, nice and big, and the furniture looks good. Yeah we're glad. I know. It's cool. Yeah ok, talk to you later. Bye. click.

Monday, April 28, 2003 : Later

So long ago I remember a time when people payed attention. When I wasn't one of the blurred backdrop. now I look back and I remember that it's always been this way. Bust your ass and people kick it harder. It's all about you, and never about me. doesn't matter who it is. I wish one day something could be about me. Is that selfish. to want back what i give out. to need people. to be alone, and hate it daily. A strong front is always affected, but never really achieved. You've seen my insides, and you pissed in them. You make me want to cry. When will i have someone who wants nothing from me but my presence. A life never known haunts me and the world collapses. and I'm hurt. So frightfully unimportant. Who would miss me. Famliy yes..... but anyone else? no. I'm all alone in a world so big It scares me and Even with love I'm still not ready. not ready to be the right person. not ready to be what you want. not ready to be accepted. That bullshit. I'm never going to be becasue I'm to fucking different. Must be nice to have people that love you. I wouldn't know. And I cry. For the lost ones that never were and the found ones that will never be. So i cry. And you'll never know. Cause your all so wrapped up in your tiny little problems that can never be seen. not really. Who knows me? Who knows what I'm really like.
I will die and the world will forget. Cause you left so long ago and there is no one to tell them who I am, and I'll never recover from that. Cause I'm always left behind. Why didn't you take me with you. Cause now I cry. And I miss you. More than even I can imagine. My wings are folded away till the day when I can spread them, work out the cramps and fly away, like the girl in the video. I will. one day. And then they'll know how lucky they were. to have known me. But until then i cry. And cry. And cry tears that will never stop because you will never come back, and I will always be alone. I'm so full of words that pour out of me and it hurts my soul to think that no one will ever realize why i care. So thats me. wounded soul, folded wings and waiting for the day when I can be set free from all this pain, and then we'll be together and my life will have been worth it.

Monday, April 28, 2003

Don't let him run you down, cause i love you like no other and I know in the end it'll all turn out ok, cause that what friends are for. I'll be the wall you lean against, the call you make for help, the wind that lifts you to new heights. And never once will i question you, for you are what you are and I love it all the same. Never change for anyone, cause no one is worth that work. You are who you are and if they can't accept it then tell em all to hell. Cause you are the Best person in the whole world, and If i can love you for that then they should too. Never once should you question yourself. Don't let him do it. No one is worth that kind of pain. That kind of unwillingness, that kind of life. Where you have to watch everything you do and say. It's not right. Let him go. Don't let him run you down.


This is for everyone who reads this. I love you all. And you are all the best.

Sunday, April 27, 2003

In one week today i will be waking up in my OWN apartment. Well, OURS at any rate. I can't sleep. I'm nervous, but very happy. I know well be ok. Everything is starting to look nicer. like a life of our own. I've never been so happy. *freaking out* I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!! ALso I'll be glad to get away from the thieves here, but i can't help but wonder what kinda of Oakville punk is going to plague me at the new place. I wish we could REALLY move away. to BC, or the east coast. Just somewhere new. But any new place is new, and to experience it with the one you love is exceptional. It will be perfect. A life. Of our own. *sigh*

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

With the move i've been busy and have had no time to think. I'm sorry. I'll try to be better at this. I'm not good at much. I'm not driven, except by anger. make me mad and I'll do ANYTHING to get back at you. Maybe I should let things go. not very buddhist of me. *shrug* well Im learning. As a summary i am awestruck because i finally got to see Matt Good play live. i woulda shit myself had the thought not been so gross! ha. He is amazing. True to his album and so AMAZING! there are no other words. Think of your absolute FAVOURITE band. Imagine never getting to see them no matter how many times you try to go. then imagine getting there. I almost puked from the excitement. I will remember April 12 2003 for the rest of my life. a defining moment. have yourself a GREAT day.

Sunday, April 13, 2003

Well the countdown is over. I am Awestruck.

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Each day contains a gift. To see that gift you have to open your eyes. I saw someone today that i haven't seen in almost 5 years. It made me realize that even tho the two of us were never close, i really missed him when he was gone. I see now the LOSS of time I've had. I wish i could go back, but i can't. So I'll have to hope that "And I'll be Calling" really meant I'll call, and not why the hell did you give me your number crazy?!?! I knew him only about 6 months... and never very well, but seeing him made my heart happy. it's nice to feel that way. I've been elated all day. Can you imagine. 10 minutes in my past and I'm ecstatic. man. I'm a fuckin nerd. In a small way i wish he wouldn't call...... so i don't dissapoint. again. God I love people too much. I'm an idiot

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Well, It's buddha day. happy buddha day everyone. Love is all you have to give thats worth getting back.

Monday, April 07, 2003

Later: Please don't change, please don't break, the only thing that seems to work at all is you, please don't change at all for me. all i'd like to hear... all anyone would like to hear and yet the eniter world seems bent on changing who you are. every day. you can't work here with that hair, you can't have that tattoo, i won't like it if you pierce your labret, they won't like it if you wear that nail polish. WELL FUCK YOU ALL. I am damned fine the WAY I AM and from now on I'm sayin fuck you to anyone tells me otherwise. cause I'm sick of this shit.

April 7, 2003

I know. big gap. i just wanted somewhere to keep my life in order. Please feel free to email me or msg me on yahoo if you like or hate what i wrote up there. thats what a teenager thinks..... about life... love.... friends. I long time has been spent pondering the countless thought and ideas that i had. and all i can remember is what was. and what i miss. I'm tired. and sad. I wish that everyone would see me for who i am and like that Amanda. why do i have to put on a show everyday. I pretend to be who i am not so people will accept me. Who am I? I don't even remember. This is my dilemma. what do I see when I look at me? Someone who wants everyone to be happy. A nice person. A good friend. So why am i alone. Why do i have not one person in my whole life that i can tell everything to? Why am I left alone to think and to worry and to cry. I cry.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Nine(1998) The End

I have once again fallen for the wrong person. I'm feeling bad though because I feel like I'm cheating on a guy who I'm not even going out with. It's odd. I've never had this problem before. My friend and I are gonna go hunt ducks(check out some people for ourselves) together, but I told him that no one can tell The spawn, I call him that cause of what his name means, but he could read this so I don't want to put his name. Why do I feel bad about "cheating" on someone when we aren't even together? oh well
When something great happens, don't you want to tell people and have them be happy with you? I do. And it's crushing when they aren't. I've just had a substantial argument with one of my best friends, because when something good happened to me, he wasn't as happy as I was when something good happened to him. HA! Substantial argument. I didn't even tell him half of what I was thinking. I'm always like that. I never say what I'm thinking.... or else it never comes out right. Drives me nuts. Now there is no one to be happy with me. Everyone who matters is essentially dead to me. Everyone who matters has gone away and left me to be happy alone. And essentially miserable.... because what good is happiness when you can't share it. It's all gone now. I've been left alone. I hate it when people just ignore their problems... or try to get rid of them as fast as possible. Maybe I like to wallow... I dunno. But I can't just "get over" things that quickly. My best friend died 4 years ago and I'm still not over it. That’s how much I can't get over things. I wish there was another way to solve my problems.... so that I could go on solving the problems of the world. But as it is I seem to have lost a best friend and that's all I can think about. Even the happiness of the attentions of the one I love is not enough to overshadow what has now become the ridiculous problem I have about not letting go of the hurt.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Eight (1998):

This is a long one. sorry
This part has been inspired by a very close friend who doesn't get the hidden messages. EVER


it has been a time of reckoning, a time of good-byes. At the end of the year we close up our past lives, and begin new ones. We lose friends, and find new ones. We start over. The angels have come to tell me what I should have not done, and for these things I am truly sorry. The tell me stories of myself as I lie awake thinking of the people I would like to leave behind, but never could. I have a problem letting go, but most people I know have the same problem. We get so used to what things were like, it doesn't make sense that they should change. but the world is forever changing and all we can do is go along with it, and hope for the best. I think we are all born innocent, and we become jaded through our habits. We break each other over and over again, but that is the one thing we never learn from. whether it be leaving by death or choice, we're still always leaving. I'm not poetic. I'm not what I wish I was, but I'm enough to keep myself happy with who I am. My problem is that I sit around and analyze what others thin of me and it affects the way I see myself. what's yours? It's been said the we are all alone, we just pretend we aren't. If we were so alone, why would everyone's opinion matter to me? why would it matter if this person liked me, and that one didn't? It doesn't make sense to me. I have all these emotions that aren't compatible with the person I tried so hard to be. Only a few people have seen who I really am. And those people I have pushed away for fear of being hurt. There is no logic behind it because I hurt myself more by leaving people behind, than I do by letting them see me. I love a lot of people who don't know it. I can't tell them because of what it may do to me. I can't tell them because of what they might think and do. I have this great fear of them shunning me, and after such a revealing statement, that would only be turning the knife. I can only sit here, and wish that they loved me too, even though I know it will never happen. I dream at night that we are all together and happy, but the reality is that my circle of friends isn't quite as good as I thought. It's more of an irregular shape. This person doesn't like him, she doesn't like that one, these two don't get along. It's quite difficult to get everyone together without having a fight. What I guess they don't see is who in the middle I really am. I try to stay out of it, but when my two best friends are fighting, and I know both sides of the story, how can I help but be there. I think that I have too many secrets. I hide to much from people and that's what keeps me from being truly happy. Someone once said I was an Angel with a smile on my face and a broken wing. Only I can smile whilst being so hurt. I've become an actress in my own life. That's all we are. actors in a play that has no script. that is if you don't believe in fate. I think that there are people we are meant to be with. Like everyone is born half of a whole, and all they have to do is find that other half. But I also think that we determine our own future. We have talents, and we have to make the best of them. We decide where we are going in life, but life decides who we are to be with. most often people don't find that half. and if they're like me, they find the half, and don't know what to do about it. I hate it when you can't just sit and talk to people without having others misinterpret it. I hate it when you can't just give someone a hug, and not have everyone all over you about how he's not the right guy for you. I hate it when you have these unbelievable feelings about someone, and they want to be your friend. This has become the darker side of the ride of life. The downfall of the human population is that only stupid people are breeding. That's how I got here, and look what I've turned into. A child who thinks she understands the world. A wanna be poet. I can't say things that are poetic. I say things that are real and it pisses people off. most of the time I'm better off just not talking. but when I do that everyone thinks something wrong. If you have then you hold. You hold on to everything you've got cause it's not gonna last. everyone goes away. The best thing you can do is stick around a while. see what's happening, then jet. don't get attached. don't feel. I empty myself out every night, and still I'm full. I don't so it on purpose. I don't mean to piss you off. I just want you to see me for who I really am. Hard to believe this all started with a walk at night and a look at the sky. I think that the stars are my life force. I can go out and look at the stars and feel better almost immediately. I think they're overrated though I know people who base their whole lives around them. that's sad. I just use them to cheer up. I miss you. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I love how people can take what someone has to say as gospel. I read the manifesto on the Matt Good Band page religiously. Once a new month starts I can't wait to go and read what he's written. there are people who can capture attention without even trying. I thought I could do that with my singing. but apparently that's not true either. Would you buy a book if it had someone on the cover with 3 packs of lit cigarettes in their mouth? I would. I think it could be amusing to read a book by someone who can smoke 75 butts at once. you know they have to be fucked up. Say hello. Smile. Pretend your famous. Smooch. buy a Volkswagen. Scratch your brain. "She had an itch in her brain. She could only scratch it by thinking of sand paper" I can't remember where I read that. I just though it was odd. have you ever had a weird itch really deep in your ear. so deep it was almost in your throat, but not quite, and you can't scratch your ear to get rid of it, but you can't cough to get rid of it either, so you just have this really annoying itch that you gag on? yeah, me either. I don't know why I though of that. ANYWAYS. ever written three and a half pages of garbage? Me too. Ever cheered on a fight? ever BEEN in a fight? Should try it sometime. It's not bad actually. I should see someone about this. I have to find some other way to deal with anger and hatred. I can't keep writing stories that seem poetic and really are just a waste of space. but for now I'll just do that. it makes me feel better. Would you love me if I changed? just for you? I need a change. I need to get out more. but do less drinking. I have an alcoholic friend. Well, two. And one is always bugging the other to stop drinking, but then the next night they're out drinking together. It's tearing me apart cause one is hurting and the other doesn't care, and of course, I'm in the middle. Mandy the Broken Angel/ Psychiatrist-soon to be schizophrenic. I know someone who hates me cause the person she likes showed a little interest in me. And so she talked him out of it. It's sad for all three of us. She's sad cause she's got the whole "if I can't have him, no one can" complex going, he's sad cause he let her talk him out of it, and I'm sad cause I lost again. Well, they're sad like "oh you suck" sad. I'm just upset. Me and him chill together every now and then, but I don't think things are ever gonna be the same. Man, if I could cut open people, I'd be a doctor. I was gonna be a shrink, but then I found out you needed biology and chemistry to become a doctor. Biology involves cutting up a fetal pig, which I can't do. (I couldn't even do a fish) And Chemistry. well lets just say summer school agrees with me on that subject. So I'm going for soap box shrink here. I'm gonna be Lucy from the peanuts cartoon. 5 cents for a diagnosis. I should charge more. how am I gonna make a living? Hoping has gone out of style. nobody has any hope anymore. we all just sorta float through our lives and bump into each other. Life is a lazy river of dreams, but no hope of ever realizing your dreams. I wanna be a singer, but I know that I'll just finish high school, maybe go to college, and then get a full time job selling clothes at Suzy shier. oooo lucky me. I believe everyone has a moment of greatness. Some people call it 15 minutes of fame, but that's not really what I mean. I mean when you are truly great. Not by the standards of the media. By the standards of humanity. It is when you have done something so amazing that you can't do any better. It could be performing the first brain transplant, or saving a kid from the streets. If you do something you really believe in just once, then you have reached greatness. My moment of greatness will be when I am standing before a stadium sized crowd, and I sing one of my own songs. That or I tell my boyfriend that I love him. Have you ever found those words to be really hard to say. Especially when you really mean them? I can't say it to anyone. be it a boy, a best friend, or family. it's just not something I say. It's strange. I come from a family of huggers. we hug all the time, but we never say I love you. I don't get it. I'd like to get out of here. go away to where no one knows me, and I can become completely different person. Right now I'm garbage. it's all I've tried for here. I'm just a sniveling brad who knows nothing of what she talks about. I'd like to go away and better myself. Then I wanna come back and blow everyone's minds with the amazing creature they knew as Mandy. Right now I'd say anything you want just to make you love me. I've always wanted to be the little geek that goes away and comes back a beauty. I must say I've gone pretty far from that gangly little girl all my old friends used to know. Maybe that's why I'd like to go back to my old school. So they can all see what they made fun of. I've shocked a couple people already. I ran into a guy I used to go to school with, and suddenly became obsessed with my legs. I think he's got a fetish. I know that they'd be surprised by who I've become, but I want to be completely different. I want to be elegant, and graceful, and nice to people that I like, not make fun of them. I want to be able to show affection like a real person. I'd like to stop hitting people, cause I think they'll like me better. I want to straighten out my ideals. I want to do my homework and get good marks. I want to do what my sister did. Everyone in my family has achieved something. Megs got beautiful, Vic got buff, Jeff is getting taller. But I'm still the same person everyone has always known, just a little more.....endowed. Fate looked my way, but I Ignored it. I used to sparkle, but now I'm dull. it's all over. I laugh when I think of what I thought I was. I feel like I've run into walls with everyone I know. We used to have these great conversations, and now there's just nothing left to say. I've crawled a thousand miles and now I've rubbed my knees raw trying to be what everyone else wants. We've been here before. I'm nothing. Were I shocked again I'd stay. I've been shocked before. 16 million years ago we were here. we were at this turning point, and you went the right way whilst I went the wrong. I'm all I ever wanted to be in private, but out in the world I'm all everyone ever wants me to be. I'd say anything you wanted me to, just to get you to see it my way. I'm loaded. A bomb has been dropped among us, but it's okay that I was wrong, because the holes you all hide in yourself have become apparent. I'd make amends so that we were okay. But it's all too late for that isn't it. It's the turning point I've tried so desperately to avoid. I've come to it with everyone. I'm losing for free. I'm older than I look. Mentally I'm older than you all could comprehend. responsibility. with responsibility come the realization hat the world sucks. It's easier to be a 3 year old than to deal with the stupidity of the people I see every day. Everyone needs something. I need comfort, you might need quality. it's all gone isn't it. it's all been wiped away by the storm we call emotion. it gets in the way. I've said before, it's easier to shove your emotions down and keep them locked away then to deal with them. its uncomplicated with out emotions. you made me lose control of them, and now I'm spinning downward with the rest of you. If I can keep them hidden, locked away, I can stay on top and fill the void you've left. Someone's always missing. lost, missing the point. the hidden message. It's too hard to deal with that anymore. I'd rather leave and learn something new, than stay here and deal with people who know me to well.
It's all over. the end has come. Why do guys look at a pretty face or a stacked chick and suddenly decide that they are worth boneing and that's about all? It's funny how when I wasn't so stacked people looked at my face. my friends(male ones) were just friends and I never had to worry about them looking down my shirt.... or trying to kiss me. I've amused people long enough. I'm suddenly something to look at.... not talk to. I am tired of leaving my mind at home just so that everyone else will be happy. there isn't anyone left who hasn't looked at me like that. no one. and the sad part is that the people who look are always the wrong ones. It could never be the prince charming every girl waits for.... or someone else who's name may mean the devil(he knows who he is) Why is it that I need to use this as a form of fixage. I need to use this as a purging place for all my feelings. it's not fair to you the reader to have to read what it is that I feel I need to purge. but then if you didn't want to read it you wouldn't be this far. I think I'm tired of people treating me like I can't take things. I'm sick of people hiding things from me because they think it will hurt me. it's all shit you know. all of this. how do you know I'm not just making all of this up.... and laughing at how many people read it. I'm not. but still.
When things go wrong.... who do YOU talk to "when I'm alone I am in pain"- Matthew Good, The War Is Over It's all over the minute you let someone in. Every time I let anyone in... they break me. I know it's true and so do they. Have you ever had luck with this? when solace is all I can have that comforts the empty pain I feel, I know I have reached the epitome of all that I fear. I am now the picture of sadness. I am the one thing I have always ventured to dispell. I am alone. I am all I have. Disregarding superficial relationships. but they are exactly that. superficial. It's all I can do to keep from becoming attached to people. I need people, but all they do it ruin me. I have become attached again.... with a dream. and that is all he is. he is simply a boy that I can't get close to because of his proximity. I know nothing about him, except that he is out of my reach. and that saddens me. loving the one who doesn't love back. but that is so me anyway! I know now, after tonight, that there is no was I will force anything between us. if I happen to see him again, things will go how ever they go... but I will not initiate anything for the pain of is far to great for me to be able to bear once more. it is only as far as I can go to deal with that which I have been dealt. that is enough. i don't need to add more to my palate. I can barely paint with what I have. soon it will be over and we can all go back to the way we were. but I will never be the same. it will never be the same again, for I know that you will not love me.... like I need you to. Oh well. S’all for now. Talk to ya later.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Seven (1998)

I should be sorry for a lot of what I've done, but remorse seem a little scarce lately. It's not just me either. It's seems that everyone isn't sorry for anything now. I know people who aren't sorry for ruining me. I used to be a good girl. Now I'm just a pierced soul, with no where to go, because the people who should want me most, hate me, and the people who never wanted me still don't. You think you're over something, and then it always comes back and kicks you in the face. That's always the way. I hate it when you are just minding your own business, and you get caught up in an emotional swell, and you don't know where it came from, but you know it sucks and you want it to go away. It never does, cause there's always someone there that says "Oh what's wrong" and then you have to tell them something, cause you can't say "I don't know". And then it all gets worse, and you're stuck in this mud hole of crap that you have to put up with or you're a bitch. I hate that you can't just tell people what you think, and be respected for it. You're a bitch. Yeah, well, so then I'm a bitch. And fuck you all.

Well, I've got my answer, I'm not all that memorable. Someone I met last year doesn't remember me. Oh well. I want to make people remember me. I want them to see me in the street and say, Hey! I know her. I want people to wish they were like me. Not just the little kids I take care of, but everyone. I want the wars to stop, hunger to end, angry to blow away. I want too much. I want more than I can handle. But I still want it. I want everyone who hurt me to suffer for it in a way unimaginable to the human mind. I want them to feel it too. That's the cruelest form of punishment I can think of. For them to feel what I felt. To know what I know. It hurts. But it's not real pain. Nothing can compare to it, but it's not real

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Six(1998)

I'm just waiting for someone to come along and change me. I have been the same person for years and years, I've just gotten louder. But I'm still the same. I want to be different. I want to be more like other people, and less like myself. I want to lose all my habits, and get new ones. I want for people who know me now, who like me now, to see this different person, and like her even more. There are some people I want to do this for. I hate it when people tell you that they want you to change, but they don't want you to do it on account of them. There are people I would change the world for, if they would love me more. I don't know what can heal a would like that. Like one where they want you to change, but not for them. Then who? Myself? My parents, my teachers? I would change anything for some people, but they tell me "not for me, I couldn't forgive myself" Mighty selfish ain't it. What about me. What about that kind of rejection. You don't like me the way I am, but you don't want me to change. So what am I supposed to think. That you don't WANT to like me? That's pain, cause there is nothing you can do about it. You can end starving peoples pain. Give them food, teach them to provide for themselves, to use what they have. You can end the pain of war. Stop it from happening. But that kind of pain. what can you do? Spend thousands of useless dollars on a shrink who'll know and "hmm" you for an hour. Maybe fall asleep every now and then. And for what? Here have some prozac. Or maybe talk to your parent's or grand parents(god forbid) and what'll they say? Don't worry dear, you're young, there are thousands of fish in the sea. Or your friends- "He's a jerk anyway, you're better off without him" But what if you aren't. What if he is your WHOLE world, and there is nothing you wouldn't do for him. What if you Luve him. What then. Well, then you're screwed. But it's a great learning experience. I wonder if he will remember me when we've parted. Would you?

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part five(1997)

part 5 (1998): Dave and other disgusting things(well no, just Dave, but that's disgusting enough)


(This is my ode to Dave, and strange people like him)


Some people are so gross. I don't understand how you can just hate someone, even though you don't know them. Dave hates ginos, ginos hate Dave, it's all a vicious cycle. Dave's a pig, but he doesn't care. And apparently, his girlfriends don't seem to care either. He must have pheromones. He's okay as a friend, I just don't know how anyone can go out with him??? He's okay with me writing about him. Most people would be pissed off if I wrote this about them, but Dave is strange that way. He actually asked to be in here. He's gonna read this, and laugh. Would you? I hate people who don't like to give compliments. Dave can't handle that. It seems that he can say it, but he has to back it up with an insult. I don't know. Maybe I'm just the brunt of his cruelty. He's an army boy. He's got no hair, and he prides himself in the fact that people avoid him on the street. Strange power-hungry nut case. I think its funny that he would like people to be scared of him. I've been told tons of stories about him walking down the street, in his trench coat and big black boots, and all these people rushing across the street just to avoid him. STRANGE. He likes Pantera and insists on calling me Amanda. He's a twisted person, but I luv him just the same cause if he wasn't so twisted, he wouldn't be Dave. I wonder what makes people like Dave the way they are. They seem to enjoy annoying the piss out of people. I don't see the point, but maybe you have to be a special kind of person to see the fulfillment you get for pissing the hell out of someone. I hear all these stories about people being scared of him, and that baffles me too.

(okay, well it's sorta stopped being disgusting things here)

Maybe I'm just an open person, but I've never been really frightened by the look of someone. Maybe I've seen so much of these "strange people" that I've become de-sensitized. I think it's pretty cool when someone likes to dress in black and put on false vampire teeth just for the hell of it. Now THERES self esteem. I'm big on that. I'm also okay with people who like to dress in plastic pants, and boas. I'm just a really accepting person. Maybe we all need to be like that. If we were all accepting of everyone else's styles, and choice of music, and hair colour, and teeth, then maybe the world would be less fuct up. We wouldn't fight anymore cause we'd all accept what everyone else was like. It sucks that we are taught to hate each other. Girls hate other girls cause they are the enemy. The other girls get our jobs, and our men, and men, well........ need I say more. I don't like people who are judging of something they don't know. I go to an all girls school, and everyone there is homophobic. Okay well, not everyone. But the loud people are and that screws us all over, cause they talk for us, even if we don't want them to. They think there isn't anyone one among them who likes girls, not guys. LESBIANS! ooo that's a curse word at my school. If our lesbian came out and told everyone, she would be sooo shunned it wouldn't be funny. She'd be screwed. Her self esteem(and she's got lots of it) would be down the tubes. They would me her life hell, for wanting something different than what they do. I luv her. I think she's one of the coolest people I know. It doesn't matter to me what her sexual orientation is. I talk about it a lot, but that's because it's new to me. I didn't know about her. I don't see anything wrong with it. Jenni and I goof around all the time and pretend to be gay, and miss PRISS has to tell us to cu it out, cause she doesn't want to see that sort of thing. Let me ask you a question that she asked us. If you walked into a room where a heterosexual couple was making out, What would you do? You would leave, and pretend you didn't notice right? Well what if the same thing happened, only it was two girls(if you are a girl) or two guys(if you are a guy)? I see it as the same thing. Just cause some of us got penis's and some of us don't. What if we were all beings with no sex, we just procreated with whom ever. It wouldn't be wrong then would it. All that Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve bullshit makes me sick. I swear, sometimes I'd like to take all those Gay bashers, and fuck them up the ass with a dildo, and them beat the shit out of them. Why do they think they have the right to beat someone, because they like guys too? You don't beat up a chick for it, why beat up a guy? Anyone who thinks gays and lesbians are strange and wrong, personally, I think you can go fuck yourselves until you are ready to accept what is different.

I don't understand why we can't accept what's different. Why do we have to find an explanation for everything. Why cant we just accept things the way they are. I'm no exception to this one. I think I have to explain a lot of things I don't understand. Like Love. I feel I have to explain it to everyone who doesn't get it. Maybe I'm just trying to explain it to myself. Cause, admittedly, I don't understand love. I think it's one fuct up feeling. Chemicals. It's all chemicals. I say get yerself some chocolate, and indulge. It's the same thing. There is no one who can ever know you well enough to make you feel how they say love is like. I don't understand how people can fall out of love though. It's not like a dress that's too small(easy to fall OUT of) it's a feeling. you can't fall out of feelings. I've spent a great part of my life thinking about this. I can't say I've ever been in love. Although my friends tell me I have. guess I just don't know what it feels like. If I think about when my friends say I was in love, that mean love is just complete codependency. Cause that's all that was. I needed this guy, and when he was around was this huge bubble of crazy happiness that could be popped so easily. But when he popped it, it didn't hurt like it should have. Sure I was upset, but I've seen friends cry for days after they had broken up with someone. I was more like, oh okay, wanna go for coffee? But even now, we are friends, and the bubble is still there. He makes me happy, but I don't love him. I have different kinds of love. There's LOVE which is what people feel on valentines day with their boy/girlfriends and everyday with their families. Then there's LUV which is what you feel for your friends. Then there's LUVE which I think is the perfect balance between the other two, and that's what people feel for the person they spend the rest of their life with. So in a way I LOVE and LUV Greg, but I don't LUVE him. Love is what people fall out of, because(with boy/girlfriends) its a silly little emotion brought on by cinnamon hearts and roses. Luv is forever, cause, whether or not you keep in touch, you'll always remember the times you had. I don't like people who claim they don't love anyone, and then they turn around and tell people they do. Drives me insane. It hurts when you love someone and they don't love you. In any way. All the loves. It hurts when you have it coming at you from all sides and you can't even do it yourself. Or maybe it doesn't. I have a friend like that. He has these crazy feelings about people, but he says he doesn't love people. His family maybe, but you never know. I've met people who truly hate their families. The whole lot. I don't understand how you can hate anyone. I guess I pride myself on not hating anyone. I've only hated one person, for about a day and a half. But hey, We can't be perfect. I hate it when you think you're over someone, and then they pop back into your life and it's like nothing ever changed. I keep saying I hate things, but that's such an open statement to me. I say it all the time, but I don't hate things really, except gay bashers and prejudiced people. I strongly dislike a lot of things though. On a bad day I strongly dislike everything. People think that the perfect world would be one without pain, but how do you learn without pain. I think pain is such a strong teacher. Sometimes when it's too much I wish the world would go away for a while, and I could be alone. But then after I've been alone I see that it's okay to have people, because they are the essence of life. Like I said. Everything around you, everything that makes you comfortable. Sometimes I wish we could put an end to all the suffering in the world, but the I get caught up in my own suffering and I see that we can't stop what's real. It would be cool if we could all still be human, still be the same poetic bodies wrapped up in soul, without all the things that hurt. I wish I could save my children from enduring what I have endured. An still I have endured nothing at all. I am an innocent. I have not seen real violence. I have not seen real hatred, I have not seen real anything. I live such a sheltered life I try to make it less sheltered in the most dramatic ways. I don't see the poverty, I don't see the pain in real peoples eyes. I give money to the poor on the streets, and ream out those who don't. When we go on school outings to the "city" My teachers hustle us past all the homeless, and don't give us time to dig out a little spare change, that we don't even use. That's how sheltered my life is. My only encounter with any one I could really help, has not even been in my country. How's that for nationalism. I pretend I hurt, but I really don't. I'm just trying to make my life a little easier to bear, because it's so semi-perfect. The only reason it's like that is because my parents try too hard to hide things from me, like the fact that my education is draining us financially. Maybe that's the same thing I want to do for my kids. I said I wish I could save them from enduring what I have endured. Maybe that's exactly what my parents have done for me.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part four(1997)

part 4 (1997) : I find people fascinating, even if they are dumb. Despite all my qualms about public transit, I kind of find it useful. I like sitting on the bus, and looking down into peoples cars. It's strange what people will do in the safety of their cars. They cry, they put on make up, they sing, they yell at their dashboards while beating their steering wheels senseless. They talk to non existent people, and they curse at existent ones. The only thing they don't do is think. I find driving to be a good thinking time. I've thought up my best statements while driving. Everyone is so busy now. Hustling here and there on there lunch hour because everything seems to close at four thirty. There could be so many poetic people out there, but they are all so caught up in the real world. I'd personally rather stay here in my little cocoon, because it's safe. I'm never hurting, I'm never alone. Well, not really. We could be standing in a room full of people, and still be alone. So I am alone, I just never feel the consequences. I never let anyone in, cause in the past it's always been a mistake. What I've learned is love is best left alone. I've been so long from it, I've forgotten how it goes. I think I need someone to teach me. I had someone once, but he went away. I can't take that. I need some one to teach me to let go. I need some one to be there to make me let go, but not someone who thinks I need them. It's funny how in a certain light we all look the same. All in all we are. Bones, then organs and muscles, and skin. We are all the same in a sense. We all think about the same things, just in different ways. I think that God is just the human races way of justifying disasters, and death. Other people think God is our salvation, but it's all in the end. I think the creation of God will kill us all, and others think that Armageddon will come. I don't know.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part three(1997)

Part 3 (1997) : Do you think dead people can see? People have this grand fear of dead people with their eyes open, but do you think they can see you? I wonder, if you talk to a dead person, and hear strange thoughts in your head, like, thoughts that you wouldn't normally think, does that make you crazy? Hmmm, there are some things that people refuse to think about. I don't think about suicide or love, you might not think about death or crime. We all ignore what we are afraid of, and that says a lot about us. Just ask the first person on the street what they are afraid of. Commitment- maybe their parents weren't the committing type, you know, divorced or separated. Maybe they're afraid of silence, which means they don't like silence because they are generally afraid of what's coming next, the unknown. In the end we come to bear everyone's burdens, and we don't even know how we do so. Maybe our luck will change, and we wont have to worry about the torture we put ourselves through everyday. I think the bank should be open till nine o'clock every night. Our workdays don't end till six, so why should the bank close at four thirty? It doesn't make sense that the bankers make the most money, and still we never get any service. Nobody's lunch hour is long enough.

It's strange how books get started. I was just writing a poem and now look. It's not a story book though. I was told it wasn't really a book, because it didn't have anything tying the beginning to the middle to the end. I've read books with nothing tying it all together. Fuck that. It's just not a story, it's more like a REALLY long editorial. I guess this isn't something that will be studied in school. Maybe it should be. Finally an open, realistic look at life from the eyes of an 18 year old, and no one will ever read it properly. I say fuck it. Read what you want, study what you want, and make the best of it cause it's all you got. Once you start working, it all goes down hill. Everyday at the same job, doing the same thing, with nothing ever changing. You think school is like that? Wow are you wrong. I wish I could go back to grade nine, and keep doing it over and over till I'm seventy and can move down to Florida on all the money I save up from welfare cheques. There's nothing really that we can do about it, but make the best of school. You're away from your parents, you can act however you want, and the only thing you really have to do is go to class. Everyone says school would be better without classes, but the classes are the prime parts. In the past four years I have come to realize that classes are what you make them. They're fun if you make them fun. The real world is a hassle. You've got it easy if you're in school. Ask some of my friends. Some of them are the night managers in Subway restaurants, others have kids. School is the easy way to avoid the real world for a long long time. It may seem like forever, but it's really pretty good.

It's funny how we all think that we are our own worst enemies. I wonder why that is. We seem to make ourselves want ourselves to go away. It's not with other people. We make them want to go away, but we make ourselves need to go away from ourselves even more. We need more hope. I wanted this to be an album, but I can't seem to make these thoughts into songs. I have a whole thank you list written out, just in case I ever make it. I'm sorta scared. What if I don't make it. Then what do I have? I sucked in school, I can't write songs anymore. I can still sing them, but that's not the same. You need words, and music. Who's gonna write my music when you're gone. Life is everything that you are used to having around you. It's all you need, and all you want, all packed together in about 80 years. Your formative years are the worst, cause everything in your life depends on what happens during those year. Everything you watch, everything you eat, everything you experience. I'm a little angry. My formative years couldn't have been that good, since I'm a 5 year old trapped in an 18 year old body. Sometimes I feel like everything I'm experiencing is for the first time. My college apps came back today. I don't want to open them. I'm scared of that too. I don't want to know whether I made it or not. I'd rather just keep on thinking I could have, but didn't want to. I'm afraid that I will open that envelope and I will realize that I did want to go to university really badly, and now I cant. I don't know for sure that I didn't make it, but I don't think I did. I don't want my parents to know. But if I did make it, than what will I do. Tape the envelope back up and put it back in the box? That's the problem with universal boxes. It's 16 boxes all together and you cant get at the mail without a key. I shouldn't have a key, but I do. Maybe I will go out late at night, and find out whether I got in or not. If I didn't Then I'll never mention it, but if I did, I'll come home, sleep on it, and put the envelope on the table in the morning. I'll still have to explain how I got it, but oh well, shit happens. At least they'll be happy cause I got in. OOOO bad, I shouldn't be teaching you all to deceive, but it think it's part of human nature.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part two(1997)

part 2 (1997): We are the strangest ones of all. This age, a time of apathy and violence. A time where the two ends of the scale are I don't care, and I care so much, I'm gonna kill ya. The only thing we do about it, is sit around and watch the tele and pretend we care. Middle class punks are taking over the world. Everyone is scared of them. The cushy lifestyle is all we need to spawn these hell demons, who just want to fit in. We freak out if someone looks at something that is ours, and freak out if they don't want to . We don't want to be here anymore than you do, we're stuck here, like sardines in a can, living like pigs and giving ourselves to people just to belong to something, anything, as long as it's "in". An open epidemic of solitary confinement. We try to make statements, but were told not to be insolent, we let musicians talk for us, and we are told to turn off that garbage. The 60's had something to unite for, the end of war. The 70's had their drugs, and disco(that was why disco was in. Everyone was to stoned to realize it sucked; acid made the funky colours and clothes really cool) the 80's, well, they had their parents who ignored them, and they wrecked themselves for attention. We got the attention, but it's not good shit. We get fucked over all the time because we're teenagers. Our parents never really grew up, and so we have to deal with their childish affairs, and still it's our fault that we are so screwed up. The Earth is screwed as far as producing anything. In a few years(I say a few not in the literal sense. could be lots) the hole in the ozone will make it so you can't go outside, and what'll we do then? We are the age that has to deal with it. By the time our children are old enough to work, all of the "older" people will be to old to work, and then they'll have the prime jobs, if only we'd have good jobs, so we could send them to school, and they'd know how to do stuff.

I think we should trash all the technology. Go back to horses and buggies, guys who lit all the street lamps with really big matches. Before we had computers, and women wore big dresses, and were married for dowries. It wasn't so bad then, you could have as many affairs as you wanted, and still have an awesome title. It was almost a right to cheat. Love was nothing but a word girls used to sweet talk their fathers into a better marriage. There were problems with those times, but hey, at least they couldn't kill you. The world was a vast empire for everyone to explore. We need to go back to when pot wasn't illegal. The Indians used it forever before the damn white people came and fucked them over with their damn laws. Has anyone every died from pot? NOPE. Genesis 1:12 "I give you ALL the seed bearing plants and herbs to use" I mean, how can you fight the Bible. The artists have it right. They paint pictures of where they wish they were, make sculptures of how they wish they could be. We just have caught on to what they're trying to say. BE WHO YOU ARE. It's all right for you to want to be someone else, just don't imitate, find you're own way of doing it. You are the way you are, because you were meant to be that way. I don't believe in fate. You make you're own fate. It's all up to you. You chose the path you take, and no one else. If you take the high road, then that's you're choice. We all decide in the end. There is no higher power, it's all in our heads. People have a way of making thing up to explain what they are frightened of. It's the spot theory. We call a disaster just that because it wrecks what we have built, and maybe kills a few people. What makes us think that we should name something like that. I personally don't like the English language, or any language for that matter. Ever have one of those days where you say a word, and it just doesn't sound right? EXACTLY!!!! That's because it isn't. What makes us think that a hot dog should be a hot dog? Doesn't look like a "Heated Canine" now does it. But that goes the same for letters. I read once that the alphabet don't like words. It's like our way of keeping them down. Only A and I don't care cause they are their own words. Matthew Good talks to inanimate objects. He said that thing about the alphabet. He's a pretty cool person. For one I haven't met. I would like to do that some time. Meet Matt. Whadda'ya think?