Oy

I think that is everything. *fingers crossed*

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Written by a friend, thought of you

7 Days until the Final Flight
on Day 1 i will quit everything sobriety for the journey
Day 2 to make ammends
Day 3 To celebrate family and friends
Day 4 To be charitable to those i meet
Day 5 to say my goodbyes to those i know those i touched and fuck you to those who hated me
Day 6 For deep introspection a look at my inner self and put it to words for those to come
Day 7 Take to the skies and attempt to fly the body will fall but the mind will soar
Bert (Monk)

Thursday, May 29, 2003

Dear Munkey, I love you with all my heart. Remembering things I once knew has made me realize that there is only one person in my whole life that loves me the way I always hoped for. Thank you.

Remember long days past
remembering the scents and sights
remembering the feelings
left far behind
I remember you,
and what you said to me,
and i think about it now,
and it makes me sad
to know that i put more value
on what was once ours
than you ever did
and i realize my luck
to have found it twice
and love the one i do
all the more for it.
Someone who loves me
for exactly who i am
someone who never
wants me to change
someone who takes
everything i say
at face value, and at my word
and doesn't listen to whispers,
sent to rip apart
the one thing i have
the one thing i give
the one thing i want
the love we live.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

I am suddenly remembering a wealth of emotions. I miss you. more than words can say. and all I wanted was a minute of your time a second in the long run, but to much to ask at the time. you listened to foolish words and now I'm left to pick up piecing of what is left behind. I read what i wrote and remember everything about that day. Your face, the heat, the smell of you and fresh grass, and I cry for times lost, and never returned. I hope one day you remember me the way i remember you and not the way we've turned out to be. cause i miss that man that stood before me, and told me i wasn't enough. Cause for all your faults i still love you today and hope for only the best. This is a good bye note more than anything because things are unchangeable, but if i had the chance i would never have let you go, miss you that much. I love you. you have a special place in my heart. for my whole life you will be remembered, and fondly at that. It is my hope that one day we will meet again and friendship will remain, for we have a destiny you and me. and i believe it is meant to be.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

In the confusion i see you
you're there just as i am
but you are different
you fit in completely
but stand out enough
for me to find you
The one who is in my dreams
the one who is the ONLY one
who understands
even though you don't understand.
no one can understand
there is too much there
and an eternity you don't have
i love you anyway
no matter what
for you are everything and nothing
you are my keeper
and my holder
i am your captive
yet I am free to go
I would leave
but a spell is set
unintentional and unrequited love
are the most painful, and yet
the best for you to learn and try not to repeat
it is your nature
you must repeat it
so you are doomed to the destitute
of loving one and yet loving all
and loving without end
I am love and you are my object
you hold me captive without attempting to
understand and that is why i love you.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003 : Oct 97

May 28 2003: Ever had your heart broken. I mean Stepped on. Crushed to the point you don't think you can EVER become a whole person again. I have. I cried:
When you finally see the light,
give me a call he said.
When you stop being cute
and you grow up,
gimme a call he said.
Well I've grown up,
and i don't like it,
stuck between cute and pretty,
can't make up my mind
about the things i have put away.
I'm being split in two,
by no one at all,
it could all be over,
if he'd only call,
I hate being dependant,
i hate needing him,
if i could only find him,
I'd tell him what i thought.
He's a hurdle,
thats just an inch too high,
and i can't get past it,
and it's bringing me down.
I'm being split in two,
by no one at all
it could all be over
if he'd only call.
Why are you nice to me,
I'm just a bitch
i can't do any good
my mother told me so
so why do you talk to me
I'm not too bright
I'm not going anywhere
my daddy told me so.
Why do you like me
I'm just a slut
I'm an easy lay,
My ex-boyfriend told me so.
I'm being split in two
by no one at all
it could all be over,
if he'd only call

Thursday, May 22, 2003

ghI feel like shit.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Hey, Long time. I'm good. Yeah, we're in the new place. It's cool, nice and big, and the furniture looks good. Yeah we're glad. I know. It's cool. Yeah ok, talk to you later. Bye. click.

Monday, April 28, 2003 : Later

So long ago I remember a time when people payed attention. When I wasn't one of the blurred backdrop. now I look back and I remember that it's always been this way. Bust your ass and people kick it harder. It's all about you, and never about me. doesn't matter who it is. I wish one day something could be about me. Is that selfish. to want back what i give out. to need people. to be alone, and hate it daily. A strong front is always affected, but never really achieved. You've seen my insides, and you pissed in them. You make me want to cry. When will i have someone who wants nothing from me but my presence. A life never known haunts me and the world collapses. and I'm hurt. So frightfully unimportant. Who would miss me. Famliy yes..... but anyone else? no. I'm all alone in a world so big It scares me and Even with love I'm still not ready. not ready to be the right person. not ready to be what you want. not ready to be accepted. That bullshit. I'm never going to be becasue I'm to fucking different. Must be nice to have people that love you. I wouldn't know. And I cry. For the lost ones that never were and the found ones that will never be. So i cry. And you'll never know. Cause your all so wrapped up in your tiny little problems that can never be seen. not really. Who knows me? Who knows what I'm really like.
I will die and the world will forget. Cause you left so long ago and there is no one to tell them who I am, and I'll never recover from that. Cause I'm always left behind. Why didn't you take me with you. Cause now I cry. And I miss you. More than even I can imagine. My wings are folded away till the day when I can spread them, work out the cramps and fly away, like the girl in the video. I will. one day. And then they'll know how lucky they were. to have known me. But until then i cry. And cry. And cry tears that will never stop because you will never come back, and I will always be alone. I'm so full of words that pour out of me and it hurts my soul to think that no one will ever realize why i care. So thats me. wounded soul, folded wings and waiting for the day when I can be set free from all this pain, and then we'll be together and my life will have been worth it.

Monday, April 28, 2003

Don't let him run you down, cause i love you like no other and I know in the end it'll all turn out ok, cause that what friends are for. I'll be the wall you lean against, the call you make for help, the wind that lifts you to new heights. And never once will i question you, for you are what you are and I love it all the same. Never change for anyone, cause no one is worth that work. You are who you are and if they can't accept it then tell em all to hell. Cause you are the Best person in the whole world, and If i can love you for that then they should too. Never once should you question yourself. Don't let him do it. No one is worth that kind of pain. That kind of unwillingness, that kind of life. Where you have to watch everything you do and say. It's not right. Let him go. Don't let him run you down.


This is for everyone who reads this. I love you all. And you are all the best.

Sunday, April 27, 2003

In one week today i will be waking up in my OWN apartment. Well, OURS at any rate. I can't sleep. I'm nervous, but very happy. I know well be ok. Everything is starting to look nicer. like a life of our own. I've never been so happy. *freaking out* I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!! ALso I'll be glad to get away from the thieves here, but i can't help but wonder what kinda of Oakville punk is going to plague me at the new place. I wish we could REALLY move away. to BC, or the east coast. Just somewhere new. But any new place is new, and to experience it with the one you love is exceptional. It will be perfect. A life. Of our own. *sigh*

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

With the move i've been busy and have had no time to think. I'm sorry. I'll try to be better at this. I'm not good at much. I'm not driven, except by anger. make me mad and I'll do ANYTHING to get back at you. Maybe I should let things go. not very buddhist of me. *shrug* well Im learning. As a summary i am awestruck because i finally got to see Matt Good play live. i woulda shit myself had the thought not been so gross! ha. He is amazing. True to his album and so AMAZING! there are no other words. Think of your absolute FAVOURITE band. Imagine never getting to see them no matter how many times you try to go. then imagine getting there. I almost puked from the excitement. I will remember April 12 2003 for the rest of my life. a defining moment. have yourself a GREAT day.

Sunday, April 13, 2003

Well the countdown is over. I am Awestruck.

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Each day contains a gift. To see that gift you have to open your eyes. I saw someone today that i haven't seen in almost 5 years. It made me realize that even tho the two of us were never close, i really missed him when he was gone. I see now the LOSS of time I've had. I wish i could go back, but i can't. So I'll have to hope that "And I'll be Calling" really meant I'll call, and not why the hell did you give me your number crazy?!?! I knew him only about 6 months... and never very well, but seeing him made my heart happy. it's nice to feel that way. I've been elated all day. Can you imagine. 10 minutes in my past and I'm ecstatic. man. I'm a fuckin nerd. In a small way i wish he wouldn't call...... so i don't dissapoint. again. God I love people too much. I'm an idiot

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Well, It's buddha day. happy buddha day everyone. Love is all you have to give thats worth getting back.

Monday, April 07, 2003

Later: Please don't change, please don't break, the only thing that seems to work at all is you, please don't change at all for me. all i'd like to hear... all anyone would like to hear and yet the eniter world seems bent on changing who you are. every day. you can't work here with that hair, you can't have that tattoo, i won't like it if you pierce your labret, they won't like it if you wear that nail polish. WELL FUCK YOU ALL. I am damned fine the WAY I AM and from now on I'm sayin fuck you to anyone tells me otherwise. cause I'm sick of this shit.

April 7, 2003

I know. big gap. i just wanted somewhere to keep my life in order. Please feel free to email me or msg me on yahoo if you like or hate what i wrote up there. thats what a teenager thinks..... about life... love.... friends. I long time has been spent pondering the countless thought and ideas that i had. and all i can remember is what was. and what i miss. I'm tired. and sad. I wish that everyone would see me for who i am and like that Amanda. why do i have to put on a show everyday. I pretend to be who i am not so people will accept me. Who am I? I don't even remember. This is my dilemma. what do I see when I look at me? Someone who wants everyone to be happy. A nice person. A good friend. So why am i alone. Why do i have not one person in my whole life that i can tell everything to? Why am I left alone to think and to worry and to cry. I cry.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Nine(1998) The End

I have once again fallen for the wrong person. I'm feeling bad though because I feel like I'm cheating on a guy who I'm not even going out with. It's odd. I've never had this problem before. My friend and I are gonna go hunt ducks(check out some people for ourselves) together, but I told him that no one can tell The spawn, I call him that cause of what his name means, but he could read this so I don't want to put his name. Why do I feel bad about "cheating" on someone when we aren't even together? oh well
When something great happens, don't you want to tell people and have them be happy with you? I do. And it's crushing when they aren't. I've just had a substantial argument with one of my best friends, because when something good happened to me, he wasn't as happy as I was when something good happened to him. HA! Substantial argument. I didn't even tell him half of what I was thinking. I'm always like that. I never say what I'm thinking.... or else it never comes out right. Drives me nuts. Now there is no one to be happy with me. Everyone who matters is essentially dead to me. Everyone who matters has gone away and left me to be happy alone. And essentially miserable.... because what good is happiness when you can't share it. It's all gone now. I've been left alone. I hate it when people just ignore their problems... or try to get rid of them as fast as possible. Maybe I like to wallow... I dunno. But I can't just "get over" things that quickly. My best friend died 4 years ago and I'm still not over it. That’s how much I can't get over things. I wish there was another way to solve my problems.... so that I could go on solving the problems of the world. But as it is I seem to have lost a best friend and that's all I can think about. Even the happiness of the attentions of the one I love is not enough to overshadow what has now become the ridiculous problem I have about not letting go of the hurt.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Eight (1998):

This is a long one. sorry
This part has been inspired by a very close friend who doesn't get the hidden messages. EVER


it has been a time of reckoning, a time of good-byes. At the end of the year we close up our past lives, and begin new ones. We lose friends, and find new ones. We start over. The angels have come to tell me what I should have not done, and for these things I am truly sorry. The tell me stories of myself as I lie awake thinking of the people I would like to leave behind, but never could. I have a problem letting go, but most people I know have the same problem. We get so used to what things were like, it doesn't make sense that they should change. but the world is forever changing and all we can do is go along with it, and hope for the best. I think we are all born innocent, and we become jaded through our habits. We break each other over and over again, but that is the one thing we never learn from. whether it be leaving by death or choice, we're still always leaving. I'm not poetic. I'm not what I wish I was, but I'm enough to keep myself happy with who I am. My problem is that I sit around and analyze what others thin of me and it affects the way I see myself. what's yours? It's been said the we are all alone, we just pretend we aren't. If we were so alone, why would everyone's opinion matter to me? why would it matter if this person liked me, and that one didn't? It doesn't make sense to me. I have all these emotions that aren't compatible with the person I tried so hard to be. Only a few people have seen who I really am. And those people I have pushed away for fear of being hurt. There is no logic behind it because I hurt myself more by leaving people behind, than I do by letting them see me. I love a lot of people who don't know it. I can't tell them because of what it may do to me. I can't tell them because of what they might think and do. I have this great fear of them shunning me, and after such a revealing statement, that would only be turning the knife. I can only sit here, and wish that they loved me too, even though I know it will never happen. I dream at night that we are all together and happy, but the reality is that my circle of friends isn't quite as good as I thought. It's more of an irregular shape. This person doesn't like him, she doesn't like that one, these two don't get along. It's quite difficult to get everyone together without having a fight. What I guess they don't see is who in the middle I really am. I try to stay out of it, but when my two best friends are fighting, and I know both sides of the story, how can I help but be there. I think that I have too many secrets. I hide to much from people and that's what keeps me from being truly happy. Someone once said I was an Angel with a smile on my face and a broken wing. Only I can smile whilst being so hurt. I've become an actress in my own life. That's all we are. actors in a play that has no script. that is if you don't believe in fate. I think that there are people we are meant to be with. Like everyone is born half of a whole, and all they have to do is find that other half. But I also think that we determine our own future. We have talents, and we have to make the best of them. We decide where we are going in life, but life decides who we are to be with. most often people don't find that half. and if they're like me, they find the half, and don't know what to do about it. I hate it when you can't just sit and talk to people without having others misinterpret it. I hate it when you can't just give someone a hug, and not have everyone all over you about how he's not the right guy for you. I hate it when you have these unbelievable feelings about someone, and they want to be your friend. This has become the darker side of the ride of life. The downfall of the human population is that only stupid people are breeding. That's how I got here, and look what I've turned into. A child who thinks she understands the world. A wanna be poet. I can't say things that are poetic. I say things that are real and it pisses people off. most of the time I'm better off just not talking. but when I do that everyone thinks something wrong. If you have then you hold. You hold on to everything you've got cause it's not gonna last. everyone goes away. The best thing you can do is stick around a while. see what's happening, then jet. don't get attached. don't feel. I empty myself out every night, and still I'm full. I don't so it on purpose. I don't mean to piss you off. I just want you to see me for who I really am. Hard to believe this all started with a walk at night and a look at the sky. I think that the stars are my life force. I can go out and look at the stars and feel better almost immediately. I think they're overrated though I know people who base their whole lives around them. that's sad. I just use them to cheer up. I miss you. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I love how people can take what someone has to say as gospel. I read the manifesto on the Matt Good Band page religiously. Once a new month starts I can't wait to go and read what he's written. there are people who can capture attention without even trying. I thought I could do that with my singing. but apparently that's not true either. Would you buy a book if it had someone on the cover with 3 packs of lit cigarettes in their mouth? I would. I think it could be amusing to read a book by someone who can smoke 75 butts at once. you know they have to be fucked up. Say hello. Smile. Pretend your famous. Smooch. buy a Volkswagen. Scratch your brain. "She had an itch in her brain. She could only scratch it by thinking of sand paper" I can't remember where I read that. I just though it was odd. have you ever had a weird itch really deep in your ear. so deep it was almost in your throat, but not quite, and you can't scratch your ear to get rid of it, but you can't cough to get rid of it either, so you just have this really annoying itch that you gag on? yeah, me either. I don't know why I though of that. ANYWAYS. ever written three and a half pages of garbage? Me too. Ever cheered on a fight? ever BEEN in a fight? Should try it sometime. It's not bad actually. I should see someone about this. I have to find some other way to deal with anger and hatred. I can't keep writing stories that seem poetic and really are just a waste of space. but for now I'll just do that. it makes me feel better. Would you love me if I changed? just for you? I need a change. I need to get out more. but do less drinking. I have an alcoholic friend. Well, two. And one is always bugging the other to stop drinking, but then the next night they're out drinking together. It's tearing me apart cause one is hurting and the other doesn't care, and of course, I'm in the middle. Mandy the Broken Angel/ Psychiatrist-soon to be schizophrenic. I know someone who hates me cause the person she likes showed a little interest in me. And so she talked him out of it. It's sad for all three of us. She's sad cause she's got the whole "if I can't have him, no one can" complex going, he's sad cause he let her talk him out of it, and I'm sad cause I lost again. Well, they're sad like "oh you suck" sad. I'm just upset. Me and him chill together every now and then, but I don't think things are ever gonna be the same. Man, if I could cut open people, I'd be a doctor. I was gonna be a shrink, but then I found out you needed biology and chemistry to become a doctor. Biology involves cutting up a fetal pig, which I can't do. (I couldn't even do a fish) And Chemistry. well lets just say summer school agrees with me on that subject. So I'm going for soap box shrink here. I'm gonna be Lucy from the peanuts cartoon. 5 cents for a diagnosis. I should charge more. how am I gonna make a living? Hoping has gone out of style. nobody has any hope anymore. we all just sorta float through our lives and bump into each other. Life is a lazy river of dreams, but no hope of ever realizing your dreams. I wanna be a singer, but I know that I'll just finish high school, maybe go to college, and then get a full time job selling clothes at Suzy shier. oooo lucky me. I believe everyone has a moment of greatness. Some people call it 15 minutes of fame, but that's not really what I mean. I mean when you are truly great. Not by the standards of the media. By the standards of humanity. It is when you have done something so amazing that you can't do any better. It could be performing the first brain transplant, or saving a kid from the streets. If you do something you really believe in just once, then you have reached greatness. My moment of greatness will be when I am standing before a stadium sized crowd, and I sing one of my own songs. That or I tell my boyfriend that I love him. Have you ever found those words to be really hard to say. Especially when you really mean them? I can't say it to anyone. be it a boy, a best friend, or family. it's just not something I say. It's strange. I come from a family of huggers. we hug all the time, but we never say I love you. I don't get it. I'd like to get out of here. go away to where no one knows me, and I can become completely different person. Right now I'm garbage. it's all I've tried for here. I'm just a sniveling brad who knows nothing of what she talks about. I'd like to go away and better myself. Then I wanna come back and blow everyone's minds with the amazing creature they knew as Mandy. Right now I'd say anything you want just to make you love me. I've always wanted to be the little geek that goes away and comes back a beauty. I must say I've gone pretty far from that gangly little girl all my old friends used to know. Maybe that's why I'd like to go back to my old school. So they can all see what they made fun of. I've shocked a couple people already. I ran into a guy I used to go to school with, and suddenly became obsessed with my legs. I think he's got a fetish. I know that they'd be surprised by who I've become, but I want to be completely different. I want to be elegant, and graceful, and nice to people that I like, not make fun of them. I want to be able to show affection like a real person. I'd like to stop hitting people, cause I think they'll like me better. I want to straighten out my ideals. I want to do my homework and get good marks. I want to do what my sister did. Everyone in my family has achieved something. Megs got beautiful, Vic got buff, Jeff is getting taller. But I'm still the same person everyone has always known, just a little more.....endowed. Fate looked my way, but I Ignored it. I used to sparkle, but now I'm dull. it's all over. I laugh when I think of what I thought I was. I feel like I've run into walls with everyone I know. We used to have these great conversations, and now there's just nothing left to say. I've crawled a thousand miles and now I've rubbed my knees raw trying to be what everyone else wants. We've been here before. I'm nothing. Were I shocked again I'd stay. I've been shocked before. 16 million years ago we were here. we were at this turning point, and you went the right way whilst I went the wrong. I'm all I ever wanted to be in private, but out in the world I'm all everyone ever wants me to be. I'd say anything you wanted me to, just to get you to see it my way. I'm loaded. A bomb has been dropped among us, but it's okay that I was wrong, because the holes you all hide in yourself have become apparent. I'd make amends so that we were okay. But it's all too late for that isn't it. It's the turning point I've tried so desperately to avoid. I've come to it with everyone. I'm losing for free. I'm older than I look. Mentally I'm older than you all could comprehend. responsibility. with responsibility come the realization hat the world sucks. It's easier to be a 3 year old than to deal with the stupidity of the people I see every day. Everyone needs something. I need comfort, you might need quality. it's all gone isn't it. it's all been wiped away by the storm we call emotion. it gets in the way. I've said before, it's easier to shove your emotions down and keep them locked away then to deal with them. its uncomplicated with out emotions. you made me lose control of them, and now I'm spinning downward with the rest of you. If I can keep them hidden, locked away, I can stay on top and fill the void you've left. Someone's always missing. lost, missing the point. the hidden message. It's too hard to deal with that anymore. I'd rather leave and learn something new, than stay here and deal with people who know me to well.
It's all over. the end has come. Why do guys look at a pretty face or a stacked chick and suddenly decide that they are worth boneing and that's about all? It's funny how when I wasn't so stacked people looked at my face. my friends(male ones) were just friends and I never had to worry about them looking down my shirt.... or trying to kiss me. I've amused people long enough. I'm suddenly something to look at.... not talk to. I am tired of leaving my mind at home just so that everyone else will be happy. there isn't anyone left who hasn't looked at me like that. no one. and the sad part is that the people who look are always the wrong ones. It could never be the prince charming every girl waits for.... or someone else who's name may mean the devil(he knows who he is) Why is it that I need to use this as a form of fixage. I need to use this as a purging place for all my feelings. it's not fair to you the reader to have to read what it is that I feel I need to purge. but then if you didn't want to read it you wouldn't be this far. I think I'm tired of people treating me like I can't take things. I'm sick of people hiding things from me because they think it will hurt me. it's all shit you know. all of this. how do you know I'm not just making all of this up.... and laughing at how many people read it. I'm not. but still.
When things go wrong.... who do YOU talk to "when I'm alone I am in pain"- Matthew Good, The War Is Over It's all over the minute you let someone in. Every time I let anyone in... they break me. I know it's true and so do they. Have you ever had luck with this? when solace is all I can have that comforts the empty pain I feel, I know I have reached the epitome of all that I fear. I am now the picture of sadness. I am the one thing I have always ventured to dispell. I am alone. I am all I have. Disregarding superficial relationships. but they are exactly that. superficial. It's all I can do to keep from becoming attached to people. I need people, but all they do it ruin me. I have become attached again.... with a dream. and that is all he is. he is simply a boy that I can't get close to because of his proximity. I know nothing about him, except that he is out of my reach. and that saddens me. loving the one who doesn't love back. but that is so me anyway! I know now, after tonight, that there is no was I will force anything between us. if I happen to see him again, things will go how ever they go... but I will not initiate anything for the pain of is far to great for me to be able to bear once more. it is only as far as I can go to deal with that which I have been dealt. that is enough. i don't need to add more to my palate. I can barely paint with what I have. soon it will be over and we can all go back to the way we were. but I will never be the same. it will never be the same again, for I know that you will not love me.... like I need you to. Oh well. S’all for now. Talk to ya later.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Seven (1998)

I should be sorry for a lot of what I've done, but remorse seem a little scarce lately. It's not just me either. It's seems that everyone isn't sorry for anything now. I know people who aren't sorry for ruining me. I used to be a good girl. Now I'm just a pierced soul, with no where to go, because the people who should want me most, hate me, and the people who never wanted me still don't. You think you're over something, and then it always comes back and kicks you in the face. That's always the way. I hate it when you are just minding your own business, and you get caught up in an emotional swell, and you don't know where it came from, but you know it sucks and you want it to go away. It never does, cause there's always someone there that says "Oh what's wrong" and then you have to tell them something, cause you can't say "I don't know". And then it all gets worse, and you're stuck in this mud hole of crap that you have to put up with or you're a bitch. I hate that you can't just tell people what you think, and be respected for it. You're a bitch. Yeah, well, so then I'm a bitch. And fuck you all.

Well, I've got my answer, I'm not all that memorable. Someone I met last year doesn't remember me. Oh well. I want to make people remember me. I want them to see me in the street and say, Hey! I know her. I want people to wish they were like me. Not just the little kids I take care of, but everyone. I want the wars to stop, hunger to end, angry to blow away. I want too much. I want more than I can handle. But I still want it. I want everyone who hurt me to suffer for it in a way unimaginable to the human mind. I want them to feel it too. That's the cruelest form of punishment I can think of. For them to feel what I felt. To know what I know. It hurts. But it's not real pain. Nothing can compare to it, but it's not real

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Six(1998)

I'm just waiting for someone to come along and change me. I have been the same person for years and years, I've just gotten louder. But I'm still the same. I want to be different. I want to be more like other people, and less like myself. I want to lose all my habits, and get new ones. I want for people who know me now, who like me now, to see this different person, and like her even more. There are some people I want to do this for. I hate it when people tell you that they want you to change, but they don't want you to do it on account of them. There are people I would change the world for, if they would love me more. I don't know what can heal a would like that. Like one where they want you to change, but not for them. Then who? Myself? My parents, my teachers? I would change anything for some people, but they tell me "not for me, I couldn't forgive myself" Mighty selfish ain't it. What about me. What about that kind of rejection. You don't like me the way I am, but you don't want me to change. So what am I supposed to think. That you don't WANT to like me? That's pain, cause there is nothing you can do about it. You can end starving peoples pain. Give them food, teach them to provide for themselves, to use what they have. You can end the pain of war. Stop it from happening. But that kind of pain. what can you do? Spend thousands of useless dollars on a shrink who'll know and "hmm" you for an hour. Maybe fall asleep every now and then. And for what? Here have some prozac. Or maybe talk to your parent's or grand parents(god forbid) and what'll they say? Don't worry dear, you're young, there are thousands of fish in the sea. Or your friends- "He's a jerk anyway, you're better off without him" But what if you aren't. What if he is your WHOLE world, and there is nothing you wouldn't do for him. What if you Luve him. What then. Well, then you're screwed. But it's a great learning experience. I wonder if he will remember me when we've parted. Would you?

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part five(1997)

part 5 (1998): Dave and other disgusting things(well no, just Dave, but that's disgusting enough)


(This is my ode to Dave, and strange people like him)


Some people are so gross. I don't understand how you can just hate someone, even though you don't know them. Dave hates ginos, ginos hate Dave, it's all a vicious cycle. Dave's a pig, but he doesn't care. And apparently, his girlfriends don't seem to care either. He must have pheromones. He's okay as a friend, I just don't know how anyone can go out with him??? He's okay with me writing about him. Most people would be pissed off if I wrote this about them, but Dave is strange that way. He actually asked to be in here. He's gonna read this, and laugh. Would you? I hate people who don't like to give compliments. Dave can't handle that. It seems that he can say it, but he has to back it up with an insult. I don't know. Maybe I'm just the brunt of his cruelty. He's an army boy. He's got no hair, and he prides himself in the fact that people avoid him on the street. Strange power-hungry nut case. I think its funny that he would like people to be scared of him. I've been told tons of stories about him walking down the street, in his trench coat and big black boots, and all these people rushing across the street just to avoid him. STRANGE. He likes Pantera and insists on calling me Amanda. He's a twisted person, but I luv him just the same cause if he wasn't so twisted, he wouldn't be Dave. I wonder what makes people like Dave the way they are. They seem to enjoy annoying the piss out of people. I don't see the point, but maybe you have to be a special kind of person to see the fulfillment you get for pissing the hell out of someone. I hear all these stories about people being scared of him, and that baffles me too.

(okay, well it's sorta stopped being disgusting things here)

Maybe I'm just an open person, but I've never been really frightened by the look of someone. Maybe I've seen so much of these "strange people" that I've become de-sensitized. I think it's pretty cool when someone likes to dress in black and put on false vampire teeth just for the hell of it. Now THERES self esteem. I'm big on that. I'm also okay with people who like to dress in plastic pants, and boas. I'm just a really accepting person. Maybe we all need to be like that. If we were all accepting of everyone else's styles, and choice of music, and hair colour, and teeth, then maybe the world would be less fuct up. We wouldn't fight anymore cause we'd all accept what everyone else was like. It sucks that we are taught to hate each other. Girls hate other girls cause they are the enemy. The other girls get our jobs, and our men, and men, well........ need I say more. I don't like people who are judging of something they don't know. I go to an all girls school, and everyone there is homophobic. Okay well, not everyone. But the loud people are and that screws us all over, cause they talk for us, even if we don't want them to. They think there isn't anyone one among them who likes girls, not guys. LESBIANS! ooo that's a curse word at my school. If our lesbian came out and told everyone, she would be sooo shunned it wouldn't be funny. She'd be screwed. Her self esteem(and she's got lots of it) would be down the tubes. They would me her life hell, for wanting something different than what they do. I luv her. I think she's one of the coolest people I know. It doesn't matter to me what her sexual orientation is. I talk about it a lot, but that's because it's new to me. I didn't know about her. I don't see anything wrong with it. Jenni and I goof around all the time and pretend to be gay, and miss PRISS has to tell us to cu it out, cause she doesn't want to see that sort of thing. Let me ask you a question that she asked us. If you walked into a room where a heterosexual couple was making out, What would you do? You would leave, and pretend you didn't notice right? Well what if the same thing happened, only it was two girls(if you are a girl) or two guys(if you are a guy)? I see it as the same thing. Just cause some of us got penis's and some of us don't. What if we were all beings with no sex, we just procreated with whom ever. It wouldn't be wrong then would it. All that Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve bullshit makes me sick. I swear, sometimes I'd like to take all those Gay bashers, and fuck them up the ass with a dildo, and them beat the shit out of them. Why do they think they have the right to beat someone, because they like guys too? You don't beat up a chick for it, why beat up a guy? Anyone who thinks gays and lesbians are strange and wrong, personally, I think you can go fuck yourselves until you are ready to accept what is different.

I don't understand why we can't accept what's different. Why do we have to find an explanation for everything. Why cant we just accept things the way they are. I'm no exception to this one. I think I have to explain a lot of things I don't understand. Like Love. I feel I have to explain it to everyone who doesn't get it. Maybe I'm just trying to explain it to myself. Cause, admittedly, I don't understand love. I think it's one fuct up feeling. Chemicals. It's all chemicals. I say get yerself some chocolate, and indulge. It's the same thing. There is no one who can ever know you well enough to make you feel how they say love is like. I don't understand how people can fall out of love though. It's not like a dress that's too small(easy to fall OUT of) it's a feeling. you can't fall out of feelings. I've spent a great part of my life thinking about this. I can't say I've ever been in love. Although my friends tell me I have. guess I just don't know what it feels like. If I think about when my friends say I was in love, that mean love is just complete codependency. Cause that's all that was. I needed this guy, and when he was around was this huge bubble of crazy happiness that could be popped so easily. But when he popped it, it didn't hurt like it should have. Sure I was upset, but I've seen friends cry for days after they had broken up with someone. I was more like, oh okay, wanna go for coffee? But even now, we are friends, and the bubble is still there. He makes me happy, but I don't love him. I have different kinds of love. There's LOVE which is what people feel on valentines day with their boy/girlfriends and everyday with their families. Then there's LUV which is what you feel for your friends. Then there's LUVE which I think is the perfect balance between the other two, and that's what people feel for the person they spend the rest of their life with. So in a way I LOVE and LUV Greg, but I don't LUVE him. Love is what people fall out of, because(with boy/girlfriends) its a silly little emotion brought on by cinnamon hearts and roses. Luv is forever, cause, whether or not you keep in touch, you'll always remember the times you had. I don't like people who claim they don't love anyone, and then they turn around and tell people they do. Drives me insane. It hurts when you love someone and they don't love you. In any way. All the loves. It hurts when you have it coming at you from all sides and you can't even do it yourself. Or maybe it doesn't. I have a friend like that. He has these crazy feelings about people, but he says he doesn't love people. His family maybe, but you never know. I've met people who truly hate their families. The whole lot. I don't understand how you can hate anyone. I guess I pride myself on not hating anyone. I've only hated one person, for about a day and a half. But hey, We can't be perfect. I hate it when you think you're over someone, and then they pop back into your life and it's like nothing ever changed. I keep saying I hate things, but that's such an open statement to me. I say it all the time, but I don't hate things really, except gay bashers and prejudiced people. I strongly dislike a lot of things though. On a bad day I strongly dislike everything. People think that the perfect world would be one without pain, but how do you learn without pain. I think pain is such a strong teacher. Sometimes when it's too much I wish the world would go away for a while, and I could be alone. But then after I've been alone I see that it's okay to have people, because they are the essence of life. Like I said. Everything around you, everything that makes you comfortable. Sometimes I wish we could put an end to all the suffering in the world, but the I get caught up in my own suffering and I see that we can't stop what's real. It would be cool if we could all still be human, still be the same poetic bodies wrapped up in soul, without all the things that hurt. I wish I could save my children from enduring what I have endured. An still I have endured nothing at all. I am an innocent. I have not seen real violence. I have not seen real hatred, I have not seen real anything. I live such a sheltered life I try to make it less sheltered in the most dramatic ways. I don't see the poverty, I don't see the pain in real peoples eyes. I give money to the poor on the streets, and ream out those who don't. When we go on school outings to the "city" My teachers hustle us past all the homeless, and don't give us time to dig out a little spare change, that we don't even use. That's how sheltered my life is. My only encounter with any one I could really help, has not even been in my country. How's that for nationalism. I pretend I hurt, but I really don't. I'm just trying to make my life a little easier to bear, because it's so semi-perfect. The only reason it's like that is because my parents try too hard to hide things from me, like the fact that my education is draining us financially. Maybe that's the same thing I want to do for my kids. I said I wish I could save them from enduring what I have endured. Maybe that's exactly what my parents have done for me.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part four(1997)

part 4 (1997) : I find people fascinating, even if they are dumb. Despite all my qualms about public transit, I kind of find it useful. I like sitting on the bus, and looking down into peoples cars. It's strange what people will do in the safety of their cars. They cry, they put on make up, they sing, they yell at their dashboards while beating their steering wheels senseless. They talk to non existent people, and they curse at existent ones. The only thing they don't do is think. I find driving to be a good thinking time. I've thought up my best statements while driving. Everyone is so busy now. Hustling here and there on there lunch hour because everything seems to close at four thirty. There could be so many poetic people out there, but they are all so caught up in the real world. I'd personally rather stay here in my little cocoon, because it's safe. I'm never hurting, I'm never alone. Well, not really. We could be standing in a room full of people, and still be alone. So I am alone, I just never feel the consequences. I never let anyone in, cause in the past it's always been a mistake. What I've learned is love is best left alone. I've been so long from it, I've forgotten how it goes. I think I need someone to teach me. I had someone once, but he went away. I can't take that. I need some one to teach me to let go. I need some one to be there to make me let go, but not someone who thinks I need them. It's funny how in a certain light we all look the same. All in all we are. Bones, then organs and muscles, and skin. We are all the same in a sense. We all think about the same things, just in different ways. I think that God is just the human races way of justifying disasters, and death. Other people think God is our salvation, but it's all in the end. I think the creation of God will kill us all, and others think that Armageddon will come. I don't know.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part three(1997)

Part 3 (1997) : Do you think dead people can see? People have this grand fear of dead people with their eyes open, but do you think they can see you? I wonder, if you talk to a dead person, and hear strange thoughts in your head, like, thoughts that you wouldn't normally think, does that make you crazy? Hmmm, there are some things that people refuse to think about. I don't think about suicide or love, you might not think about death or crime. We all ignore what we are afraid of, and that says a lot about us. Just ask the first person on the street what they are afraid of. Commitment- maybe their parents weren't the committing type, you know, divorced or separated. Maybe they're afraid of silence, which means they don't like silence because they are generally afraid of what's coming next, the unknown. In the end we come to bear everyone's burdens, and we don't even know how we do so. Maybe our luck will change, and we wont have to worry about the torture we put ourselves through everyday. I think the bank should be open till nine o'clock every night. Our workdays don't end till six, so why should the bank close at four thirty? It doesn't make sense that the bankers make the most money, and still we never get any service. Nobody's lunch hour is long enough.

It's strange how books get started. I was just writing a poem and now look. It's not a story book though. I was told it wasn't really a book, because it didn't have anything tying the beginning to the middle to the end. I've read books with nothing tying it all together. Fuck that. It's just not a story, it's more like a REALLY long editorial. I guess this isn't something that will be studied in school. Maybe it should be. Finally an open, realistic look at life from the eyes of an 18 year old, and no one will ever read it properly. I say fuck it. Read what you want, study what you want, and make the best of it cause it's all you got. Once you start working, it all goes down hill. Everyday at the same job, doing the same thing, with nothing ever changing. You think school is like that? Wow are you wrong. I wish I could go back to grade nine, and keep doing it over and over till I'm seventy and can move down to Florida on all the money I save up from welfare cheques. There's nothing really that we can do about it, but make the best of school. You're away from your parents, you can act however you want, and the only thing you really have to do is go to class. Everyone says school would be better without classes, but the classes are the prime parts. In the past four years I have come to realize that classes are what you make them. They're fun if you make them fun. The real world is a hassle. You've got it easy if you're in school. Ask some of my friends. Some of them are the night managers in Subway restaurants, others have kids. School is the easy way to avoid the real world for a long long time. It may seem like forever, but it's really pretty good.

It's funny how we all think that we are our own worst enemies. I wonder why that is. We seem to make ourselves want ourselves to go away. It's not with other people. We make them want to go away, but we make ourselves need to go away from ourselves even more. We need more hope. I wanted this to be an album, but I can't seem to make these thoughts into songs. I have a whole thank you list written out, just in case I ever make it. I'm sorta scared. What if I don't make it. Then what do I have? I sucked in school, I can't write songs anymore. I can still sing them, but that's not the same. You need words, and music. Who's gonna write my music when you're gone. Life is everything that you are used to having around you. It's all you need, and all you want, all packed together in about 80 years. Your formative years are the worst, cause everything in your life depends on what happens during those year. Everything you watch, everything you eat, everything you experience. I'm a little angry. My formative years couldn't have been that good, since I'm a 5 year old trapped in an 18 year old body. Sometimes I feel like everything I'm experiencing is for the first time. My college apps came back today. I don't want to open them. I'm scared of that too. I don't want to know whether I made it or not. I'd rather just keep on thinking I could have, but didn't want to. I'm afraid that I will open that envelope and I will realize that I did want to go to university really badly, and now I cant. I don't know for sure that I didn't make it, but I don't think I did. I don't want my parents to know. But if I did make it, than what will I do. Tape the envelope back up and put it back in the box? That's the problem with universal boxes. It's 16 boxes all together and you cant get at the mail without a key. I shouldn't have a key, but I do. Maybe I will go out late at night, and find out whether I got in or not. If I didn't Then I'll never mention it, but if I did, I'll come home, sleep on it, and put the envelope on the table in the morning. I'll still have to explain how I got it, but oh well, shit happens. At least they'll be happy cause I got in. OOOO bad, I shouldn't be teaching you all to deceive, but it think it's part of human nature.

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part two(1997)

part 2 (1997): We are the strangest ones of all. This age, a time of apathy and violence. A time where the two ends of the scale are I don't care, and I care so much, I'm gonna kill ya. The only thing we do about it, is sit around and watch the tele and pretend we care. Middle class punks are taking over the world. Everyone is scared of them. The cushy lifestyle is all we need to spawn these hell demons, who just want to fit in. We freak out if someone looks at something that is ours, and freak out if they don't want to . We don't want to be here anymore than you do, we're stuck here, like sardines in a can, living like pigs and giving ourselves to people just to belong to something, anything, as long as it's "in". An open epidemic of solitary confinement. We try to make statements, but were told not to be insolent, we let musicians talk for us, and we are told to turn off that garbage. The 60's had something to unite for, the end of war. The 70's had their drugs, and disco(that was why disco was in. Everyone was to stoned to realize it sucked; acid made the funky colours and clothes really cool) the 80's, well, they had their parents who ignored them, and they wrecked themselves for attention. We got the attention, but it's not good shit. We get fucked over all the time because we're teenagers. Our parents never really grew up, and so we have to deal with their childish affairs, and still it's our fault that we are so screwed up. The Earth is screwed as far as producing anything. In a few years(I say a few not in the literal sense. could be lots) the hole in the ozone will make it so you can't go outside, and what'll we do then? We are the age that has to deal with it. By the time our children are old enough to work, all of the "older" people will be to old to work, and then they'll have the prime jobs, if only we'd have good jobs, so we could send them to school, and they'd know how to do stuff.

I think we should trash all the technology. Go back to horses and buggies, guys who lit all the street lamps with really big matches. Before we had computers, and women wore big dresses, and were married for dowries. It wasn't so bad then, you could have as many affairs as you wanted, and still have an awesome title. It was almost a right to cheat. Love was nothing but a word girls used to sweet talk their fathers into a better marriage. There were problems with those times, but hey, at least they couldn't kill you. The world was a vast empire for everyone to explore. We need to go back to when pot wasn't illegal. The Indians used it forever before the damn white people came and fucked them over with their damn laws. Has anyone every died from pot? NOPE. Genesis 1:12 "I give you ALL the seed bearing plants and herbs to use" I mean, how can you fight the Bible. The artists have it right. They paint pictures of where they wish they were, make sculptures of how they wish they could be. We just have caught on to what they're trying to say. BE WHO YOU ARE. It's all right for you to want to be someone else, just don't imitate, find you're own way of doing it. You are the way you are, because you were meant to be that way. I don't believe in fate. You make you're own fate. It's all up to you. You chose the path you take, and no one else. If you take the high road, then that's you're choice. We all decide in the end. There is no higher power, it's all in our heads. People have a way of making thing up to explain what they are frightened of. It's the spot theory. We call a disaster just that because it wrecks what we have built, and maybe kills a few people. What makes us think that we should name something like that. I personally don't like the English language, or any language for that matter. Ever have one of those days where you say a word, and it just doesn't sound right? EXACTLY!!!! That's because it isn't. What makes us think that a hot dog should be a hot dog? Doesn't look like a "Heated Canine" now does it. But that goes the same for letters. I read once that the alphabet don't like words. It's like our way of keeping them down. Only A and I don't care cause they are their own words. Matthew Good talks to inanimate objects. He said that thing about the alphabet. He's a pretty cool person. For one I haven't met. I would like to do that some time. Meet Matt. Whadda'ya think?

Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part one :(1997)

In a world where everyone's gotta be something, well, I'm empty. A plain clothes officer in a uniformed world. a sorrowful pityer with everything. I am the epitome of sickness. A playful mind, teasing empty taunts. The stars fall from the sky as I pick them off one by one. The empty deliverance of an unsuccessful angel, using others like play-things in a game of show and tell. Keeping secrets close, lies hidden well. The automatic defense, a weapon used perfectly. Needing someone to talk to, only dead ears listening. The feeling of loneliness can't touch the empty boundaries. The words used so lightly, my cutting arrows. I feel them for one, but only as a friend. It could be said that I am meant for a life of solitude helping others as best I can. A happy charade I put on, but the emptiness is still there. Riding the bus of life, the public transit of my mind and heart open for everyone to ride on, for a buck 75. I say things I'm told to, whispered in my ear by a little demon. A disappearing act made plausible, a magicians trick. I am a fault in nature, a graduate slug, an empty heart, mind, soul, with nothing to save me but a word from a mute voice. The solace in darkness, an empty ride through the depths of hell. I write down everything but what I am thinking. The thief, stealing words which aren't mine walking through a desolate forest a barren wasteland of everything I can't see. I am not the listener I believe myself to be. I am not the perfect friend. I am not the helping hand. I am not the shrink I so desperately need. I've sold my skin for a dollar. I've sold my soul for less. The empty affection of a dick needing a cunt. I've sold myself for more than I can handle. An empty solitude is all that I have. Feelings echo around an empty room, the pressure banging closer. I fake happiness for those around me. I pretend I can, I am the ultimate liar, because my angel face lets me get away with it. I talk to strangers, I let them believe I care. I help little kids when they're stuck. But children can see evil. They know when something is bad. I'd say the world owes me something, but I've given it nothing. I'd tell you all to fuck off but you wouldn't understand. I'd tell you I love you all, but I'd be lying again. This seems like an ending note, but it strikes me as a beginning. The beginning of time. A time when the stars don't fall, the skies are blue, the air clean. I don't care about anything. The shallows of my mind grow deeper. The black aura I see around myself won't change. The shroud of darkness killing all good near me. Stealing lines from peoples minds. I am the strangest one of all. No one can beat the incomprehensible anger from me, caused by nothing, cured by nothing. The truth is out there but we can't find it because it's not for us to know. No one knows the truth about anyone, all we know is we think we are who we want to be. How's that for deep. We buy the rights to endless love, but we don't know what to do with it. I say you can shove it up your ass, cause it'll do you as much good there as anywhere. A soured expression. When will it change? The world is a vomiting hell hole filled with shit and fuck ups who can't make up their mind so they become lawyers and business people. The only ones who can make up their minds are the artists, but that's only cause they don't have to . Music, paint, writing, it's all empty feelings, stories laid out by the unqualified, cause that's all we are. I am sorrow untold. I'm the empty headed child who is vaguely aware of what is around him, but can't tell why. The vampirific world sucks you're will and minds until you are just another zombie running free through the schedule they impose. Try breaking free, you can't. Even in death they have you with their religion. It's their way of explaining death. You die, your body ceases all function. THAT'S ALL FOLKS!! God shmod. A poem turned editorial. We are following the empty cycle that they put us through. Fate has no rein. The ending is one we chose. The ripping haters of a scary child. The crazy calls of a lunatic. The only sane one among us is the nut. Can you guess who it is? Try playing sorrow for all it's worth. The world hasn't caught on to what we want to say. I am the voice, but can I be enough. I am sick of hugs when I say something sad. I am sick of pity when things don't go right at home. I am sick of you all pretending you like each other. Say "I hate you" Goddamnit. Don't play along. It's the last year you say, but it's not. We'll all look back on this year and remember our "friends". You don't want them to remember you, and then call you up, reminiscing about the old times, trying to weasel their way back into you're lives. You all think you're high and mighty. But you don't realize that other people think the same thing about you. It's like a hate triangle. Person one hates you(or doesn't even remember who you are), you hate person two, person two likes you, and you like person one. It all comes back to you. It's funny how we are all tied together. Brain clouds get in the way. The only way to get rid of them is to blow up. JUST EXPLODE. You must save your self from all that you think is safe. Bobby dropped off the face of the earth, I wish I could do that. Not be Mandy for a day, but just a spot on the wall. Watch everyone without having to be nice. A break from the everyday. JUST DO IT. I don't recognize anyone from around here anymore. Everyone is just a spot on a big wall and every now and then something bigger than us comes along and cleans up part of the wall and we call it a disaster. I think its great. A cleansing brought on by mother nature. If only it didn't kill the innocent. Just the conceited, and the every day fuckup. I hate it when you have something to say and no one will listen. Some day I'm going to make everyone listen to me. I'm gonna start with you and tell you everything I hate about you all. Someday. BLUNT. Often referred to as rude. I think it's honest. Sparing feelings. P-shaw. Nobody really cares about sparing feelings, just their own asses. I think bluntness should be a way of life. I'm tired of pretending, so I wont anymore. Someday. Somebody once said that we start to die the moment we are born. I guess some people just die faster than others. The best thing you can do is hang around a while.

Frustration

You will notice here, that my attempts to transfer my blog have gone awry. I knew that there were parts missing, and now I've found them. They are all from 2003, the first 25 or so blogs that I posted. So, let us drift back in time once more, enjoy.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

So, I have a friend who's birthday just passed. He lives in California, so we use myspace to communicate mostly. I wished him a happy birthday, and was waiting for him to moderate the comment, so it would show up on his page. I was a little hurt when I started seeing messages that were posted after mine appearing, since mine never did. Today, 16 days later, I have come to a conclusion. It doesn't matter to me that he didn't post the message on his page. All that matters is he had to read it in order to delete it, and in that sense, I still wished him a happy birthday. Mission accomplished!

Monday, December 31, 2007

Most days I don't mind being a girl. Having enormous bazongas along with being moderately attractive have entitled me to a lot of things that a boy cannot get. Simply by asking, I got a total stranger to come to my office and install some blinds. No dude could pull that off. That being said, there are a few things that bug me about being a girl. The most obvious being that of pms and monthlies, which no girl enjoys. What's more in the background is my absolute loathing for people who think they can walk all over me because I am a girl. Sometimes, being blonde factors in to that as well. Today I was almost run off the road by an asshole in a beemer. I watched him, in my rear view mirror, come out from behind me about 4 cars back, then try to cut me off so that he could make a right hand turn. This, my friends, did not happen. It took a lot of honking, swearing and generally looking like I was a crazy person, as well as a talented use of my gas pedal to ensure that he did not force his way in, and force was what he tried to do. These things do not happen to me when I have my 6' 1/2" 260lbs fiance in the car with me, which leads me to believe that it is simply because I am a girl, people think they can do this shit to me. Well, this time he didn't, and when he followed me at an extremely close distance in an attempt at intimidation, I merely waved my sandwich at him, and then my middle finger. What I suppose I am trying to get at here is that judging a person based on how they look, or their sex, is more likely to get you hurt than any thing else. You don't have any clue what the personality of that girl is, and this girl, my friends, never loses a game a chicken.

Thursday, December 27, 2007 : Desiderata - Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth
quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

We will be heading out to my Aunt-in-law's tonight, hopefully we won't stay too long as I was unwise and mixed wine and vodka in my belly yesterday. Boy that did not work out at all! I can't wait to have all these familial obligations over with so that I can crawl in to my bed and stay there for three days. Yes, I said three, no there is no reason, except that's about how tired I feel. 72 hours dead. Then Christmas will be over, and more sadly, the anticipation.

Anticipation is the food of life. The moment will come and pass quickly, as though it never was, but you will always remember waiting for the moment, the excitement bubbling up as it draws closer, the giddy feelings that you get which make you feel childish and happy at the same time. Make the most of anticipation, because the moment isn't what life is about. It's about the time that leads up to each moment.

Thursday, December 20, 2007: Mr. Anderson: Attacked!!!

Mr. Anderson was violently assaulted today when a Maroon Dodge Stratus left the Canadian Tire parking lot, attempting to turn in to the passing lane, in which Mr. Anderson and I were traveling. The jewel of the entire episode was the reaction of the driver, who leaped from her car and screamed at me "DIDN'T YOU SEE ME COMING?!?!" Thats right folks, it's my fault that she decided to make an illegal turn in front moving traffic at a speed of 60 km/h. Then she left the scene. Never called in a hit-and-run before. New things people, try new things! All I can say is thank you, thank you for making me call the police, as now I do not have to pay a cent for your stupidity. Huzzah for being smart. SMRT!!! Mr. Anderson is not gravely injured. Just a scrape. That's called great driving skills!! Thanks Dad, for teaching me so well.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Since I have been doing a lot of driving lately, the lack of a sirius radio or an MP3 playing stereo has had an effect. Until now I'd never chosen a favourite album, claiming I like them all equally. This is not true. I've been forced to chose one. The Audio of Being. Something about it makes me smile. It makes me want to drive further and faster and there is an odd sense of freedom when I listen to it. I will listen to Truffle Pigs and simply grin like a drunken idiot. I know every word of every song, which cannot be said for any other album. So there it is.

5 interviews in a week. I am optimistic that one of them will pan out, but then, whenever I am optimistic I am wrong. *shrugs*

Friday, October 19, 2007

Ever get something stuck in your head, that no matter what you do, you can't make it stop rolling around inside your cranium like marbles on the floor of a bus? What do you do? I can't stop thinking about someone I used to know. I wrote a note about it on FB, and it is still bothering me. The catharsis of writing it down has never failed me before now. There seems to be no way to get over what I feel is an immense loss. Every so often, I suddenly remember him, and what being around him was like. It causes me to doubt my decision. That is a serious issue for me. I hate to doubt myself. I have never been brimming with self-esteem, and to have these nagging questions looming over me causes my fragile ego to melt away like a small cube of sugar in the rain. I'm all similes today.

I stood in the rain today. There was not enough for puddle jumping. I could use a good bout of puddle jumping. I wish it would snow. I could use some snow-play too. Snowmen, and angels, and snowballs, and jumping in to snowbanks and barrelling down the hill on my board, completely out of control, since I am a total amateur at snowboarding. Still, it's like driving really fast with the wind in your hair, and that's all I'm really seeking when I take up these kinds of sports.

I am taking my Nana out for her birthday this weekend. That should be interesting. My Munkey hasn't seen her more than 3 times in 9 years, so she is very happy that he is coming. Aside from that, my weekend will be consumed by boredom relieved only by sleep. Huzzah for the weekend!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I am feeling a bit silly today. It's a hula-hoop day.

I've made a few adjustments here and there. I am jealous of my other blog, and wish that this one could be easily transferred to the new blogger. *le sigh*

Yesterday I ran in to someone that I would rather have never seen again in my entire life. It was not uncomfortable for me, as I just pretended she wasn't there, which might have been slightly rude, since I ended up talking to her co-worker, with her standing right next to us. In any case, I do not feel bad. She is crazy.

I have started thinking in french. *shrugs* I thought of that sentence in french. I'm thinking in french as I type this, and it is causing a lot of typos, so I think I should stop. The OC is on. Man that show was lame. I used to watch it. It was lame when I watched it. Does that make me lame by association? *shrugs and lames on \m/*

I met some new people today. They are in to something called Emergent Curriculum. Since I had not heard that term before, I have looked it up. It appears to be a curriculum that is directed by the child, and the child's inquisitiveness. With regards to this school's curriculum directly, the teacher introduces an idea to the class, and the children then explore the topic through talk and play. It's an interesting theory, in that it merges other theories to create what could be called the ultimate school experience. I am in favour of this theory, as I have seen several theories work for some children: but no theory that worked for ALL children. Something like Emergent Curriculum seems more likely to reach more children than any one theory could. I hope to see more of these people.

Thank you and good night. *runs away to fetch a munkey*

Thursday, October 04, 2007: Mr. Anderson, and things

Mr. Anderson is fun to drive. At first, I was a little bit scared, since it's about 1.5 of my old car. Now I am whipping around corners and making full use of the .3L difference in my new engine vs. my old one. Surprisingly, the difference is immense. I don’t have to push my car into overdrive just to merge on the highway!!!! (I don’t HAVE to, that doesn’t mean I don’t.) I am quite happy, and can’t wait for a road trip. If only I could escape my family for Thanksgiving, that would give me three days of tooling around the province.

On other fronts, I’m ready to leave my job, as the frustration level isn’t worth the pay-scale. My staff members are used to having their own way in most things, as the last supervisor was a “typical Jamaican” as someone ineloquently put it. I have been fighting an uphill battle to get them to, at the very minimum, provide the kind of supervision necessary in a pre-k school. They do give results with regards to the children’s education; at least this is what I was told. I am quickly learning, though, that a lot of what I was told was lies. Fortunately one staff, who was the most resentful of my lack of favouritism, has decided to leave to take a position elsewhere. I wish her luck, and am very glad she will be out of my hair. In the end, no matter who leaves, I will have to be one of them. The staff that are here are not only older and set in their ways, but also very untrustworthy. I have walked out of my office upon hearing my name countless times, only to be greeted with a suddenly ended conversation, uncomfortable looking people, or one of the staff whispering “Amanda’s there”(I can read lips, they don’t know that). It’s enough to make the sanest person paranoid (and I started out paranoid). This is all aside from the fact that my boss constantly undermines my authority, countermands my decisions and generally stirs the pot against me. Apparently it’s part of her initiation process, but I’m not interested in being initiated. I’ve worked my ass off to get what I have today, and I don’t feel the need to prove myself constantly, or defend my decisions. In the end I don’t want to work in a place where I can trust no one, and will not be able to create honest and open relationships. Or at the very least, rule by fear, since I’ve been told that as the boss, no one will ever like me.

*le sigh*

Thursday, September 27, 2007: Good Bye Comet/Deathnut

Last night was the last drive in the Comet, which was very fitting, as it was only Toad and I, the original cruise-ers. I shall miss the Comet. It was a zippy little car that allowed me to drive like a race-car driver, and still conserve on gas. Being such a small car, I was always able to "fit" myself in to any spot that came along. It was great in the winter, and got us many a time to the hill, with enough space for snowboards and all. With an average of 700km to a 45 litre tank this was a great car, which I would recommend to anyone who isn't planning on having a family just yet. That is the only downfall of my Comet. An infant seat will NOT fit in the back of a two door. I can't make the same claim for the 4 door, as it may be larger. All in all I have been very pleased with the performance of my first vehicle. I will miss you a great deal, my little Comet. You were a car to remember.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 : Over the Edge

Most people from the GTA know of, if they don't listen to, The Edge@102.1. I was a long time listener, until one day I realized that almost every time I turned on the channel, it offended me some how. Now, I will admit, it is easy to offend me, if you have the right topics, because I am very strong in any conviction I choose to uphold. The first time I stopped listening, Dean Blundell played a very bad psuedo rock song, and then followed it with "Now for some REAL rock" and a little Sum 41. I have no problem with Sum 41 as they are quite a catchy little band, but they are in no way REAL rock(at the time, they have progressed a bit since then). Of course, I went back. It didn't take too long for the station to anger me again. The next time I stopped listening was when the morning show crew was suspended for allowing Steve-O and other members of the Jackass crew to "go too far". Um... Helllo?!?!?! JACKASS?!?!?!?! These are the guys who stuff toy cars in their ASS for the giggles it will afford them. For crying out loud, why did you INVITE them to your program? It was wrong of the station's execs to suspend the morning guys simply because the behaviour should be expected, and I'm sure thats what Dean and the boys were thinking. I have never gone back since then for more than a song or two. Most of the time it is the commercials. Like the ones for Ashley Madison (what a quagmire of filth THAT site must be), or the anti-choice commercials, or even this morning, they claimed that men who wear rockports think that Dane Cook isn't funny. I mean come on... your tastes are governed by the shoes you choose to wear? Who writes this crap? What pushed me to write a note today was the strange choice that was made by whomever chooses the line up of music. I enjoy the OutKast song "Ms. Jackson" quite a bit, and happen to know all the words. I'll ask you though, when did OutKast become a rock star? Why do I keep hearing this crossover on what is supposed to be "Toronto's Alternative Station?" Remember when they said New Rock Alternative? The sad part is, I really thought I could get along without my Sirius. Thanks. Thanks a bunch.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Well, to begin, I want to thank Eva. She has gotten me in the spirit of blogging again, and I shall try to update this page as often as is possible. *s’anks*

As it says below, my car was burglarized. They smashed my poor little comet’s window, and took some things that I don’t really care about. Not too bad right? It gets worse. After cancelling my Sirius Thursday night, I called Bell Mobility to report my phone stolen, in order to protect myself from fraudulent use. Usually, you would assume that a company as large as Bell would at least have someone working 24/7 to take care of these reports. Nope. I got to leave a message on an answering service telling them about my phone. Now, after having to deal with “Emily” this made me irate.

It gets worse. Friday I started my day by getting the glass cleaned out of my car, then I headed over to Toyota. Josh and I were planning on turning our lease in very soon at any rate, so we decided to do it now, rather than paying to fix the window, then returning the car in a few months. Toyota was “kind” enough to cover the window, all damages to the car (various dings from a-holes who let their doors swing open in to other peoples doors) and replace the tires(it’s part of our contract, that we replace them at the end of the lease). Kind is in quotes because by doing this, they ate up the excess $2000 that my car was worth, which SHOULD have gone toward my new lease. Big surprise. This took me all day.

Saturday is even worse. We decided to get Josh a cell, get on a family share plan, and try to save some money by cancelling our home phone. Sounds easy right? Back to my favourite automated answering program “Emily.” After navigating the interminable automated system, I get a person, who asked me my phone number. He then filled me in on the cost of a family share plan, and informed me that I should cancel my home phone first. So he transferred me to someone else. Then that woman asked me for my phone number, and informed me that if I wanted, I could use my old home number for my cell number, but that I couldn’t cancel it first if I wanted to do that. So she transferred me back to the guy at mobility; who asked me for my phone number. After buying the family share plan, the man at mobility informed me that I would have to set up a dry loop for my high speed internet, BEFORE I cancelled my home phone, but Sympatico does that and they are closed today. Great. All of this took about 2 hours and at this point I had to get my rental car back to the dealership, so off we went to the mobility store to pick up Josh’s free cell phone. When we get there we realize that the man on the phone didn’t even set our plan up right, and that we were missing the message center feature. Then to Toyota we go, only to find out that our car in not ready, even though they promised me it would be. *le sigh* Upon our return to the house, I called bell again, to set up our new bundle and cancel our home phone. First I talked to someone about changing my cell package to Josh’s name, in order to bundle it. This took about 1.5 hours. I was on hold a lot of that time, and asked my phone number at least 4 times(which means I spoke with at least 4 people, as this is the first question they ask you). Next, I asked to be transferred to whoever cancels phone lines. This went a bit better, and the girl set my phone to be cancelled on the 30th of October, though I could call in and cancel it earlier if the dry loop got set up quickly. They also told me that someone would have to be home for the dry loop setup. Next I was transferred to someone to set up a bundle package, and for some reason was directed to Express Vu. Here is where I started to get angry. The fellow at Express vu tried to tell me that Bell was closed: at 4:30. I’m sorry, but that was not going to fly. I told him if they really were closed at 4:30 on Saturday, then I wanted him to cancel all of my services because I’d been on the phone all freaking day with them, and he changed his tune very rapidly. He asked me my phone number, and then transferred me to the “bundles” department. The girl there set up my bundle for me, but at 4:57 when I asked her the cost I was told that I would have to wait for my bill. At this point I just wanted to be off the phone, but looking back I should have told her to go to hell, and spend the extra 5 minutes after her work day helping me, as I’d spent my whole SATURDAY on their phone system. Then comes Monday. I call Sympatico to set up the dry loop only to find out that they shouldn’t have cancelled my phone line, as Sympatico uses it for the dry loop. They were very efficient and I was off the phone, with a dry loop set up date (which I do NOT have to be present for) in less than 15 minutes. Then I spoke with Bell again, to find out the cost of my new bundle. Here’s a kick in the raisins, it’s more than before. That’s not what I was told when I signed up for the cell phones, which is the only reason I DID sign up for the family share plan. In the end, if I had the extra money right now, I’d just cancel it all; and to hell with Bell.

Thursday, September 20, 2007 : Damn it!

This has been the week of ALL weeks. I have gotten in trouble at work, for other peoples issues three times. I have dealt with immaturity, 3 long delays due to car accidents, an attempted coup and the ever present concern for my poor rear tire, who is leaking badly. Today, in a brief glimmer of hope, I enjoy a small personal victory, in that I found out someone actually HAD my back! Then, as I'm enjoying a lovely evening with my intended, there comes a knock. It was my super, telling me that my car had been broken in to. My satellite radio is gone, but nothing else was taken. My cell phone's location remains unclear. This kind soul was generous tonight. A neighbour's truck was trashed inside, and his satellite radio was taken as well. How very odd. I wonder if these geniuses realize that satellite radios have this thing on it called an ESN number. So the second that I called Sirius to suspend my service, that radio became useless, and also something to tie the criminal to the crime. I love where I live. Everyone is sooooooo smart. SMRT.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

One day sunshine......

Well it's here. The world comes crashing down. For once it's not pms, this time it's my inability to follow my own advice. I'm letting them get me down. I'm letting them get in the way of the goals that I have set for myself. I am letting them make me feel bad, because they don't like me. When on earth will I get over this need to have everyone like me? Should it not make me feel bad that no one will look at me? Should it not make me feel bad that they are "afraid". It should not. Let them be afraid. Let them hate me. In the end, I am doing what I know is right. In the end I am taking care of the charges I've been given. In the end I will still be here.

Thursday, September 06, 2007: Hahahaha

Dear Freshmen,

We, the tenants of 1229 Marlborough Court, understand that you are experiencing a level of freedom otherwise unknown to you. We also realize that you are exuberant in showing the glee that you feel at this new found freedom. What we would like you to realize, is that it is inappropriate to show this glee after dark, in the parking lot, through the overly loud use of your voices. We are jealous! We have to get up early in the morning, and hearing you shout to your friends about how much beer you drank at 3 am in the parking lot is so painfully wrenching, that we can’t help but wish we were carefree and still in college. But you see we are not. We have to get up every day and go to work. We need our sleep. Kindly think of us, the next time you feel like carousing in the lot past dark. We are a sorry bunch of boring adults, who would really appreciate it if you didn’t. This is why you have rented an apartment; where you can close your windows, and scream to your hearts content.


Thank you kindly,
The tenants of 1229 Marlborough Court

Wednesday, September 05, 2007: The Stupids

I have a staff member who just yelled out

"OMG I THOUGHT HER NAME WAS SARAH. WHAT IS IT? ZAHRA?!?! WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?"

Now, for reference, Zahra(another teacher) is in the next room, which shares a moveable fabric wall with the room in which my painfully rude staff member was yelling. Should I go slap her? Should I tell her that she has offended not only my sensibilities, but probably Zahra as well? This is a teacher of very small children. Should she not have basic manners? Should her attitude not be pleasant? Should she not use manners at all times? YES SHE SHOULD!!! This is one of the most basic principals in the history of the world. Do Unto Others: right? I would like to ask her what she would do, should some of the things that escape her gob happen to come at her from someone else. I’ll bet my last dollar that she would be the first up in arms if anyone were to be rude to her. In fact, she seems to have trouble in all her dealings with me, because I am (sometimes unfortunately) very very blunt, as well as brutally honest. What I think, she knows. What I think isn’t very good right now. I’m not sure how long it will be before I have a new teacher. Hopefully, she will settle down, but I have the feeling that this type of personality and mine are not going to meld into a beautiful spinning gear. Poor rude little girl. It must be hard, to not realize what a bitch you actually are.

Thursday, August 16, 2007: J

I am trying to understand
The need you had to hurt me
The want that lay in you
To inflict the harm you did

I am trying to understand
The need you had to lie
The dishonesty kept you safe
From what you were feeling

I am trying to understand
How you could do it over and over
And not even realize the damage
That you inflicted on my heart

I am trying to understand
The choices that you made
Each day that drove you
Further away from me

I am trying to understand
Why a small piece of my heart
Will always be in the bottom
Of your pocket collecting lint

Thursday, August 16, 2007: Purity

You say that I’m pure
You say how did you
End up with me?

I see something you don’t
It’s something you let people miss
I see you

One day you’ll see,
That you’re even better than me
That you are worth more than you get
That you are worth more than you give
That you’re even better than me

You are sweet like the song the doves sing
You are gentle like the breeze that brushes the trees
You are an angel that hides behind broken wings

If he’s not here with you
Then that’s too bad for him
Cause he doesn’t see you

One day you’ll see,
That you’re even better than me
That you are worth more than you get
That you are worth more than you give
That you’re even better than you want me to be.

When you see who you are
And the ice melts away,
Then you'll see who I see

Then if he’s not with you
Then it’s too bad for him,
Because you will see you.

One day you’ll see,
That you’re even better than me
That you are worth more than you get
That you are worth more than you give
That you’re even better than you think I am.

Friday, August 03, 2007 : My Other Brother

There is something I wish that I could share with you. It is something that everyone has, and no one else understands. Sometimes it's a blanket; sometimes it's a beer. For me it's a man who sings with such feeling that it brings me to life. His words are a raft, that which I cling to in the murky, rolling waters of life. When I am sad, he makes me happy. When I am joyful, his songs are the gilding on the moment. When I need him he is always there. When I hear him, the whole world fades away, and I am able to face my fears, grasp what I love and hold to it. It is an honest relationship, one where I am free to express myself without worry of disappointment. It is half-hearted at times, and most definitely one sided, but this is the kind of relationship I am used to. He is my brother, a rock on which I can lean if I need to. Not a brother of blood, but one of time, knowledge and contribution. No one has been able to sum up what I am thinking and feeling with such gratifying accuracy, not even my own eloquent self. The plucking of the same string, the words that sting my eyes and my heart. No other artist shares as much of them self, and maybe that is part of my love for him. To have fallen from grace, practically upon the stage, and to come out of it making music that is so beautiful is by far the best testament to the kind of being that this man is. When I am listening to him, I understand that my problems are minimal, and that eventually they will pass, like the clouds that darken my window. If everyone had this one thing, this tiny glimmer in every hopeless moment, this exuberant love for something, then art would again be serving its true purpose. It is fear, and loathing, and an ache as deep as the bones of the earth. It is peace, and love and happiness in the face of destruction. It is the tie that binds. He was there the night my love left me. He was there the day that I missed my best friend, and they told me he had died. He was there when I was so lost I thought I should join him. He was there the day I learned that what I had thought was true was no more than another flimsy excuse. He was there when I lost my sister, and still there when I found her again. He was there when I thought no one else was. Sharing his pain, his love, and his own life. I have always said, and will never stop saying that without him, I would have been gone long ago. Thank you, for keeping me around. This life is worth it, no matter how I might feel at one point or another.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007 : G.W. = GI Joe!

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people and neither do we"

When G.W. Bush signed H.R. 4613, the Defense Appropriations Act for Fiscal Year 2005 he was the laughing stock of many a satirical newspapers/tv programs because of what his comment actually meant. Now I have been searching EVERYWHERE and can find no one who sees the actual idiocy behind this statement. It's not really about the fact that he said that Americans are always thinking of new ways to harm their own country. Mangling things is the way he seems to work, as the slow witted rich-boy he truely is. What is of more concern to me is that no one noticed that he was quoting GI Joe. Sgt Slaughter to be precise. Was it because no one remembers GI Joe? I suppose it could be, since I didn't realize it until coming upon the quote on a page about GI Joe. Seriously people, GI Joe? Does this tell you something about the way the American government is being run? sheesh.

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2004/08/20040805-3.html

Tuesday, April 03, 2007 : Walking with a bear.

One day I went walking
Through the woods by my house
On my way out I saw you
And thought, whats that about.

I walked in the shade
The sun peeking through
I thought of all that I'd had
And missed very few.

I must have lost my mind
There under the trees,
Cause I thought about the time
When I lost your heartkeys

Somedays I'll miss you
Most days I don't, though.
But on the days that I miss you
My heart is filled with sorrow.

Live is very short,
and entirely too precious
for the things that have been said
to continue to part us.

I can not apologize
For what I did not do
But I will apologize
For what I did to you.

They said you grow up,
and lose that fear
They must have been lying
because I feel it here.

One day I will forgive
One day I will be free
One day the sky will clear
One day I'll forgive me.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I am rapidly becoming angry with blogger

Sunday, March 11, 2007: I Fall Down

My most recent fall from grace has included regrettable emails, embarrassing waterworks at work, and the ever present inability to explain it to anyone. It went as fast as it came on. Here's to another peaceful year.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Canadian war against Taliban is "retribution" for 9/11 attacksDefence minister Andrea Sands CanWest News Service; Edmonton Journal

Sunday, January 21, 2007

EDMONTON -- Canada is fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan in "retribution" for the 9/11 attacks that killed at least 3,000 people, including 25 Canadians, Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor said Saturday.

The hard-hitting comments, which prompted a round of applause from O'Connor's Edmonton audience, came in addition to the government's usual reasoning about Canada's duty to help the Afghanistan people.

Speaking at a symposium about Afghanistan, O'Connor said Canadian soldiers are in the country because Afghanistan's democratically elected government wants them there, because Canada has a responsibility to help as one of the world's richest countries and because the war is in Canada's own interest.

"When the Taliban or al-Qaida came out of Afghanistan, they attacked the twin towers and in those twin towers, 25 Canadians were killed. The previous government and this government will not allow Canadians to be killed without retribution," O'Connor told his audience of roughly 200 people, many of them military personnel.

In an interview after his speech, O'Connor said the word retribution doesn't necessarily mean punishment.

"What it means is, if our country is attacked, we are not going to stand blandly by and not do anything about it," he said.

"I don't believe the (former) Liberal government would have committed us to Afghanistan had there not been Canadians killed."

O'Connor's comments come as a fresh contingent of soldiers -- 2,200 troops from bases in Atlantic Canada, Ontario and Alberta - prepare to deploy to the war-torn country.

There are about 2,500 Canadian troops stationed in Afghanistan, mostly in the south of the country, where the Taliban is the strongest.

Since Canada sent troops there in 2002, 44 soldiers and one diplomat have been killed.

Canada does not want a Taliban government to regain control of Afghanistan because it would provide fertile ground for terrorism, O'Connor warned.

"If they returned and took the government, they then would allow terrorist organizations to operate in the country, international terrorist organizations. We believe that."

But Dr. Saleem Qureshi, a professor of Middle East politics at the University of Alberta, said Ottawa should pull Canadian soldiers out of the country.

The soldiers are doing heroic work, but war carried out by the world's most powerful states will always prompt less powerful opponents to use terrorism, Qureshi argued.

"Political issues can only be resolved by political negotiations."

The Afghan mission continues to be a hot-button topic politically, with the NDP calling for a withdrawal of troops and the Bloc Quebecois demanding the mission focus on reconstruction.

After an emotional debate in the House of Commons, Prime Minster Stephen Harper won a vote last year to extend the mission in Afghanistan until at least 2009.

In a recent online poll by Innovative Research Group -conducted in January and provided exclusively to CanWest News Service -support for the Afghanistan mission stood at 58 per cent among Canadians, versus 38 per cent opposed. The numbers were up from a previous poll by the same group that showed 54 per cent in favour of the mission and 42 per cent opposed. The poll surveyed 2,206 Canadians and is accurate within 2.1 percentage points, 19 times out of 20.

Spectator Capt. Craig Paterson of 15 Service Battalion in Edmonton said he agreed with the minister's reasoning.

By keeping al-Qaida members "busy on their own land," it is harder for them to launch attacks here, Paterson said.

"If we leave them alone and allow them to build up their support and their equipment and their planning, it's just a matter of time, I think, before they will come over here," said Paterson.

Edmonton Journal

asands@thejournal.canwest.com

Thursday, December 22, 2005

We are arrogant, we are vain, we are manipulative, we are greedy, And we love our children.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

DOUGLAS- Robert (Bob) Hiram – Peacefully on Thursday, October 13, 2005 at Port Colborne General Hospital at the age of 77. Robert was born in Winnipeg, Manitoba on January 9, 1928 and he was a member of the Masonic Thistle Lodge in Amherstburg. He came to Port Colborne in 1960 and was employed at John Deere Welland Works for 29 years. Married on July 12, 1950, he will be forever loved and cherished by his best friend and wife of 55 years, Jean Douglas. He will be dearly missed by his daughter Mary Brunarski and her husband David, and his daughter-in-law Anna Bilinski. Robert will be fondly remembered by Robert James and Caitlyn van Kralingen as a very special Papa. Robert is survived by his brother Arrunnah Douglas (Winnipeg), his favourite niece Valerie Douglas (Winnipeg) and his favourite nephew Ronald Kowk, whose recent visits were very special to Robert. He is predeceased by his parents, Robert and Harriet Douglas, his twin brother James, his brothers Gordon and Gerald and his sister Ruth. To those who knew Robert well, he was a proud man who confronted all of life’s challenges. He always had a story to tell, whether from his childhood, his days as a boxer, or his life on the boats. Behind his tough exterior was a gentle man who cared deeply for those around him. Robert enjoyed boating, fishing and spending time with his family and friends. He will be fondly remembered by his friends Fred and Mary Konig who have been a source of support and strength for him over the years. Robert has touched many lives in many ways and he will be missed by all of us. Cremation has taken place. In Robert’s memory, donations to the Heart and Stroke Foundation or the Canadian Cancer Society would be greatly appreciated. Funeral arrangements entrusted to the PORT COLBORNE CHAPEL of the DAVIDSON FUNERAL HOMES, 135 Clarence St.