The only true beauty

I saw a photo today that made me dream of living where I could see a storm coming like that. I can see them here, but only a small edge of the oncoming storm clouds. The crux of this dream, which fits very nicely with the rest of my dream home by the way, is that to see this kind of action, I'd have to live on the Pacific coast, the top of a mountain, or the prairies. Since I do not really want to be 3000 miles away from all of my family, the Pacific coast is out. As well as mountians and prairies I suppose. I wonder how I will find a way to see the beauty that nature provides. I must find a way. When in the woods by my home I am, well more home than when I am in my own home. It doesn't matter what season it is, I love the smell of outside. I like how everything smells crisp. You have to wait for rain(or snow) in and around the city for that smell, but up north, no matter what time of year it is, every thing smells so sharply. I miss spending time outside, and I hope to do it more. This rambling was brought to you by an urge to share a photo, and then a lack of self control. Thank you and good night.

Blegh

I am so damned tired of being sick. It's like I am always sick. Arg!

Ghost in the Tank

This morning I was up at 4.30, which is the norm, for about half an hour. Due to the box-like nature of my home, it is very rude of me to bring daylight to the fish tank, earlier than necessary, so I simply sat in the dark, thinking about things. I barely notice the small red light inside the tank that indicates that the heater is on, but today it showed me something very interesting. We have two glass catfish in our tank and they hide all day long. You can catch glimpses of them, but they are never out in plain sight. Last night,in the glow of the red heater light, there were my ghost fish. The two of them were swimming together at the top left corner of the tank, all happy and free in the darkness. After noticing them, I started watching the tank, and then I started noticing our plecos sticking to the walls of the tank. As I watched for the half hour, I realized, our tank is a ghost tank. There are two day time fish, but one hides all day. It is almost an entirely nocturnal tank, which makes it seem boring in the day, but eerily peaceful at night. Watching my Ghost tank was quite calming and I got back to bed very quickly, some nights I don't make it back at all. One day I hope to have a good enough camera to take photos in the dark, and will be able to capture and share the serenity my ghost tank affords me.

Staff Meeting Fun

Christmas concert is in 7 days. Since we have toddlers, Amy and I will be doing most of the singing. Also, the nice golf shirt that I got for Christmas from work may be a uniform in the near future!!! YAY!!! I love uniforms. The great equalizer<3

LOOK WHAT I MADE!!!!

BREAD! It was so easy, I never knew!!! Next attempt will be an Italian Loaf!!!!

Message to L.

It's been a while. I have a friend now, one who I see every day, and with whom I have begun sharing my complaints. I believe that is why I do not write them here anymore. The catharsis of writing was merely my way of working things out, when there was no one around to listen. I started messaging her today, and realized that maybe I should blog it instead; the poor woman must be sick of listening to me complain. I have this problem. It's about work. It started as a problem with my co-worker, and has snowballed in to the realization that when working in an all female environment, there will always be someone there who will take a dislike to me, and cause me no end of torment because of the female tendency to be passive-aggressive. I am also guilty of this flaw, and did something today to prove that, but that is beside the point. I need to work in a co-ed/male dominated field because, simply put, I was raised as a boy. My father did not want to raise the typical woman, being that he is somewhat of a feminist. I know how to change the oil in my car, as well as the brakes, lights, tires and battery. I can build things with my hands, wood and tools. I know the fine art of staining wood, lathing, and what a countersink is. I am not your typical female, and thus, am never going to be comfortable nor successful in an all female environment. The message I wrote to L. is as follows:

no, I not ok. I cried when I came home. I am so tired of being the bad guy. I'm the bad guy with my kids all the time because she keeps undermining me and the decisions I make, she keeps doing little tiny things that make me angry, but look like nothing to other people, I am vocal enough for people to know how I feel, but still respectful enough that I won't just plain call her out on it. I fight depression myself, she doesn't have the corner on that one, and all this stress is only making it worse for me. I am at a point now that I'm going to the DR for meds because I can't control the ups/downs anymore given all the BS I have to put up with at work. I have 8 more days in that classroom and I still feel like I'm drowning every day. I feel worse and worse every day. It's not completely her anymore, but the fact that no matter where I've worked I have ALWAYS had someone like her in my class/school who takes a dislike to me/my ways and then just pokes me and pokes me and pokes me until I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of people who don't respect me. I'm sick of people who assume things about me and then cause me shit because of what they decided. I'm more and more angry because I can't find a way out, because after ten years in the working world, all my experience is childcare, and nobody wants to hire me for anything else. I can't leave my work at work anymore, just as she can't seem to leave home at home.


I believe that there is nothing that I can do. I must somehow learn to accept what is. I can not change what is, so therefore I must learn to live with/around it. All I can do is count down the days, and use each smaller digit as an ever growing life raft floating my away from this sea of hatred and passive-aggressive maneuvering.

That is all.

T-Minus 7 days

I woke up this morning at about 6.30 am. I wake up every morning at about 6.30, unless I am on the early shift(which thankfully I will not be on again for a long while) in which case I wake up at 6. Usually, if I don't have to be up, I can go back to sleep. Not in the past week. The excitement of my upcoming nuptials is beginning to take effect. So here I am, blogging at 7.30 am, when I am going out for a night of debauchery with my co-workers(and one sister) tonight, and thinking, it's a damned good thing I moved my hair appointment to the afternoon rather than the morning, allowing for some nap-time! YAY!!!!!

Stress-me-not

So I had a little freak out. There was still a lot to do, and very little time. Eventually I calmed down (after wreaking MUCH havoc) and now that we are a little closer, I have found that each little thing that gets ticked off is like a huge weight off my shoulders. Seven days people!

In My Brain

I know that I complain a lot about the building I live in as well as my particular geographic location. Recently there was a notice posted with regards to a recent act of public urination, informing the wonderful tenants who live here that it was both disrespectful AND illegal to pee in front of someones door. This is not my complain tonight. It has nothing to do with my neighbours. It really has nothing to do with the building itself. My problem tonight is this: Sirens. I hear sirens all the time. I can hear them right now. This is a photo from my balcony, the arrows point to where I can actually see the highway[when there are no leaves on the trees, and especially now since they cut down the fir tree in the foreground there :( ].



If it wasn't bad enough to be a stones throw away from the highway, the main road to and from the hospital is right behind my building. If it isn't emergency vehicles on the highway(which probably makes up about 40%) it's emergency vehicles on the main street behind me. A lot of ambulances, but also fire trucks. Let us not forget the times that they come screaming down our street with their wretched noise pollution, since there are a great many elderly people in the condos you see in the photo. Oh and did I mention that the cop shop is also in the block on the other side of the main road from me? It's like I live in the Hub'O'Siren. I cannot WAIT to be free of this cement block cell I currently call home. Enough is enough, people were NOT meant to live this way!

Palin/Biden Debate

What a train wreck that Sarah Palin is! How many times can someone say Maverick, and Newkewlar? How does someone like this even get to be Mayor or Governor?!?!? I fear for the future of the planet, should the backward "win" again. FEAR!

McCain - neither deep, nor delicious

An interesting theory has recently been brought to my attention. I believe that it is a widely accepted fact among the intelligent and well informed that the Republican party are akin to a den of vipers, constantly plotting their evil ways of ruining the world. This Sarah Palin nomination seems to be the newest in a long string of what are very clever, extremely devious moves on the part of the elephant in the room. After suspending his campaign, there is no way that I can believe that McCain is a real candidate anymore. I think they are leaving the door open for the Dem's, so that THEY are responsible for the hardship the US(and the world economy) will have to endure following the raping the Rep's have commited upon the American people. Then in four years, the Republicans can swoop in and save the day from those Evil Democrats! YIKES!

Psst, Fall is coming

Today was one of those days where it is just cool enough to remind you that fall is around the corner. I love days like this, when you can't decided on a sweater or a heavy shirt. Runners or Crocs? You go for a walk and when you come back you are energized, but your skin is slightly chilly. Too bad I witness today's beauty from my bed. Stupid flu. GO AWAY!!!!!

LHC First Beam : 4.28pm EDT

Please Note: The world has not ended.


That is all.

My Typo'd Brain

There is a post down there that is several letters shorter, as well as a couple (in bold) corrections. I apologize, there is no excuse for my laziness in editing.

Zoo

I work in a zoo.


That is all.

Su Adamson

Someone that I knew a long time ago died recently. She was a wonderful, sweet woman, probably one of the nicest ones I've ever known. I hope that she finds peace.

My Hardcore Lame

I get way too happy when Pacey and Joey get together. It fills me with a joy that brings tears to my eyes. There is a reason for this; it is both saccharine and juvenile. To the latter, I love Joshua Jackson, ever since Mighty Ducks. *Sighs* Top that off with the fact that the Pacey character is the perfect boyfriend; thoughtful, romantic, gentlemanly. It's like a teen girls dream, one which I still have not gotten over. As for the former, Joey and Pacey are meant to be together. The writers were careful to develop the Joey/Pacey storyline in a way that you can see how perfect they are together, and how well their personalities compliment each other. When they have a "moment" you are on the edge of your seat, holding your breath and hoping that everything works out for them. Well, my friends, this is where I make you sick. The reason I love this so damned much, is because it is a mirror image of Josh and I. That's right folks, I only love Pacey and Joey, because they are the picture perfect, TV image of my sweetie and me. Josh loves me like Pacey loves Joey, and vice versa. It's like a vice grip on our hearts. We fight, some times for days. Then it's resolved, our problems seem to disappear and I spend my workday counting the minutes until I get to see him again. I am so very lucky to have what can only be called a dream come true.

Allo? Pico?

I haven't been here in a while, which is a little sad, since many days I am driving around thinking of all number of things to write here. Then I get home, and I forget what I wanted to say. I wish I could blog from the car, using voice rec software. That would be AWESOME. Then I could embark on an in depth discussion of how clouds are the single most amazing thing within the boundaries of our planet's ozone layer. CLOUDS RULE!!!!! Later

Where I Stood

I get most of my new music from tv. Thanks SYTYCD.


I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

~Missy Higgins

Pancho's Lament ~ Promise Me This

It's been a long time since I heard this song. I've got this guilty pleasure that totally sends me to the top of the nerd class, but I love Dawson's Creek. I know. *shame* The first time I heard this song was in the episode where Pacey realizes that he is in love with Joey. I love it. I'm so gay.

is that the sound of knocking at my window
lord I'm trying trying to let you in
but the mirror stares me like a stranger
I'm learning how to begin again

promise me this
you will never understand me
promise me this
you will always always
hold me like you hold me now
hold me like you're holding me now
promise me this

I thought of you when my faith began to wander
it woke me up in the middle of the night
I've so many places I can run to
let's not run away this time

promise me this