Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Six(1998)

I'm just waiting for someone to come along and change me. I have been the same person for years and years, I've just gotten louder. But I'm still the same. I want to be different. I want to be more like other people, and less like myself. I want to lose all my habits, and get new ones. I want for people who know me now, who like me now, to see this different person, and like her even more. There are some people I want to do this for. I hate it when people tell you that they want you to change, but they don't want you to do it on account of them. There are people I would change the world for, if they would love me more. I don't know what can heal a would like that. Like one where they want you to change, but not for them. Then who? Myself? My parents, my teachers? I would change anything for some people, but they tell me "not for me, I couldn't forgive myself" Mighty selfish ain't it. What about me. What about that kind of rejection. You don't like me the way I am, but you don't want me to change. So what am I supposed to think. That you don't WANT to like me? That's pain, cause there is nothing you can do about it. You can end starving peoples pain. Give them food, teach them to provide for themselves, to use what they have. You can end the pain of war. Stop it from happening. But that kind of pain. what can you do? Spend thousands of useless dollars on a shrink who'll know and "hmm" you for an hour. Maybe fall asleep every now and then. And for what? Here have some prozac. Or maybe talk to your parent's or grand parents(god forbid) and what'll they say? Don't worry dear, you're young, there are thousands of fish in the sea. Or your friends- "He's a jerk anyway, you're better off without him" But what if you aren't. What if he is your WHOLE world, and there is nothing you wouldn't do for him. What if you Luve him. What then. Well, then you're screwed. But it's a great learning experience. I wonder if he will remember me when we've parted. Would you?