Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part five(1997)

part 5 (1998): Dave and other disgusting things(well no, just Dave, but that's disgusting enough)


(This is my ode to Dave, and strange people like him)


Some people are so gross. I don't understand how you can just hate someone, even though you don't know them. Dave hates ginos, ginos hate Dave, it's all a vicious cycle. Dave's a pig, but he doesn't care. And apparently, his girlfriends don't seem to care either. He must have pheromones. He's okay as a friend, I just don't know how anyone can go out with him??? He's okay with me writing about him. Most people would be pissed off if I wrote this about them, but Dave is strange that way. He actually asked to be in here. He's gonna read this, and laugh. Would you? I hate people who don't like to give compliments. Dave can't handle that. It seems that he can say it, but he has to back it up with an insult. I don't know. Maybe I'm just the brunt of his cruelty. He's an army boy. He's got no hair, and he prides himself in the fact that people avoid him on the street. Strange power-hungry nut case. I think its funny that he would like people to be scared of him. I've been told tons of stories about him walking down the street, in his trench coat and big black boots, and all these people rushing across the street just to avoid him. STRANGE. He likes Pantera and insists on calling me Amanda. He's a twisted person, but I luv him just the same cause if he wasn't so twisted, he wouldn't be Dave. I wonder what makes people like Dave the way they are. They seem to enjoy annoying the piss out of people. I don't see the point, but maybe you have to be a special kind of person to see the fulfillment you get for pissing the hell out of someone. I hear all these stories about people being scared of him, and that baffles me too.

(okay, well it's sorta stopped being disgusting things here)

Maybe I'm just an open person, but I've never been really frightened by the look of someone. Maybe I've seen so much of these "strange people" that I've become de-sensitized. I think it's pretty cool when someone likes to dress in black and put on false vampire teeth just for the hell of it. Now THERES self esteem. I'm big on that. I'm also okay with people who like to dress in plastic pants, and boas. I'm just a really accepting person. Maybe we all need to be like that. If we were all accepting of everyone else's styles, and choice of music, and hair colour, and teeth, then maybe the world would be less fuct up. We wouldn't fight anymore cause we'd all accept what everyone else was like. It sucks that we are taught to hate each other. Girls hate other girls cause they are the enemy. The other girls get our jobs, and our men, and men, well........ need I say more. I don't like people who are judging of something they don't know. I go to an all girls school, and everyone there is homophobic. Okay well, not everyone. But the loud people are and that screws us all over, cause they talk for us, even if we don't want them to. They think there isn't anyone one among them who likes girls, not guys. LESBIANS! ooo that's a curse word at my school. If our lesbian came out and told everyone, she would be sooo shunned it wouldn't be funny. She'd be screwed. Her self esteem(and she's got lots of it) would be down the tubes. They would me her life hell, for wanting something different than what they do. I luv her. I think she's one of the coolest people I know. It doesn't matter to me what her sexual orientation is. I talk about it a lot, but that's because it's new to me. I didn't know about her. I don't see anything wrong with it. Jenni and I goof around all the time and pretend to be gay, and miss PRISS has to tell us to cu it out, cause she doesn't want to see that sort of thing. Let me ask you a question that she asked us. If you walked into a room where a heterosexual couple was making out, What would you do? You would leave, and pretend you didn't notice right? Well what if the same thing happened, only it was two girls(if you are a girl) or two guys(if you are a guy)? I see it as the same thing. Just cause some of us got penis's and some of us don't. What if we were all beings with no sex, we just procreated with whom ever. It wouldn't be wrong then would it. All that Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve bullshit makes me sick. I swear, sometimes I'd like to take all those Gay bashers, and fuck them up the ass with a dildo, and them beat the shit out of them. Why do they think they have the right to beat someone, because they like guys too? You don't beat up a chick for it, why beat up a guy? Anyone who thinks gays and lesbians are strange and wrong, personally, I think you can go fuck yourselves until you are ready to accept what is different.

I don't understand why we can't accept what's different. Why do we have to find an explanation for everything. Why cant we just accept things the way they are. I'm no exception to this one. I think I have to explain a lot of things I don't understand. Like Love. I feel I have to explain it to everyone who doesn't get it. Maybe I'm just trying to explain it to myself. Cause, admittedly, I don't understand love. I think it's one fuct up feeling. Chemicals. It's all chemicals. I say get yerself some chocolate, and indulge. It's the same thing. There is no one who can ever know you well enough to make you feel how they say love is like. I don't understand how people can fall out of love though. It's not like a dress that's too small(easy to fall OUT of) it's a feeling. you can't fall out of feelings. I've spent a great part of my life thinking about this. I can't say I've ever been in love. Although my friends tell me I have. guess I just don't know what it feels like. If I think about when my friends say I was in love, that mean love is just complete codependency. Cause that's all that was. I needed this guy, and when he was around was this huge bubble of crazy happiness that could be popped so easily. But when he popped it, it didn't hurt like it should have. Sure I was upset, but I've seen friends cry for days after they had broken up with someone. I was more like, oh okay, wanna go for coffee? But even now, we are friends, and the bubble is still there. He makes me happy, but I don't love him. I have different kinds of love. There's LOVE which is what people feel on valentines day with their boy/girlfriends and everyday with their families. Then there's LUV which is what you feel for your friends. Then there's LUVE which I think is the perfect balance between the other two, and that's what people feel for the person they spend the rest of their life with. So in a way I LOVE and LUV Greg, but I don't LUVE him. Love is what people fall out of, because(with boy/girlfriends) its a silly little emotion brought on by cinnamon hearts and roses. Luv is forever, cause, whether or not you keep in touch, you'll always remember the times you had. I don't like people who claim they don't love anyone, and then they turn around and tell people they do. Drives me insane. It hurts when you love someone and they don't love you. In any way. All the loves. It hurts when you have it coming at you from all sides and you can't even do it yourself. Or maybe it doesn't. I have a friend like that. He has these crazy feelings about people, but he says he doesn't love people. His family maybe, but you never know. I've met people who truly hate their families. The whole lot. I don't understand how you can hate anyone. I guess I pride myself on not hating anyone. I've only hated one person, for about a day and a half. But hey, We can't be perfect. I hate it when you think you're over someone, and then they pop back into your life and it's like nothing ever changed. I keep saying I hate things, but that's such an open statement to me. I say it all the time, but I don't hate things really, except gay bashers and prejudiced people. I strongly dislike a lot of things though. On a bad day I strongly dislike everything. People think that the perfect world would be one without pain, but how do you learn without pain. I think pain is such a strong teacher. Sometimes when it's too much I wish the world would go away for a while, and I could be alone. But then after I've been alone I see that it's okay to have people, because they are the essence of life. Like I said. Everything around you, everything that makes you comfortable. Sometimes I wish we could put an end to all the suffering in the world, but the I get caught up in my own suffering and I see that we can't stop what's real. It would be cool if we could all still be human, still be the same poetic bodies wrapped up in soul, without all the things that hurt. I wish I could save my children from enduring what I have endured. An still I have endured nothing at all. I am an innocent. I have not seen real violence. I have not seen real hatred, I have not seen real anything. I live such a sheltered life I try to make it less sheltered in the most dramatic ways. I don't see the poverty, I don't see the pain in real peoples eyes. I give money to the poor on the streets, and ream out those who don't. When we go on school outings to the "city" My teachers hustle us past all the homeless, and don't give us time to dig out a little spare change, that we don't even use. That's how sheltered my life is. My only encounter with any one I could really help, has not even been in my country. How's that for nationalism. I pretend I hurt, but I really don't. I'm just trying to make my life a little easier to bear, because it's so semi-perfect. The only reason it's like that is because my parents try too hard to hide things from me, like the fact that my education is draining us financially. Maybe that's the same thing I want to do for my kids. I said I wish I could save them from enduring what I have endured. Maybe that's exactly what my parents have done for me.