Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part three(1997)

Part 3 (1997) : Do you think dead people can see? People have this grand fear of dead people with their eyes open, but do you think they can see you? I wonder, if you talk to a dead person, and hear strange thoughts in your head, like, thoughts that you wouldn't normally think, does that make you crazy? Hmmm, there are some things that people refuse to think about. I don't think about suicide or love, you might not think about death or crime. We all ignore what we are afraid of, and that says a lot about us. Just ask the first person on the street what they are afraid of. Commitment- maybe their parents weren't the committing type, you know, divorced or separated. Maybe they're afraid of silence, which means they don't like silence because they are generally afraid of what's coming next, the unknown. In the end we come to bear everyone's burdens, and we don't even know how we do so. Maybe our luck will change, and we wont have to worry about the torture we put ourselves through everyday. I think the bank should be open till nine o'clock every night. Our workdays don't end till six, so why should the bank close at four thirty? It doesn't make sense that the bankers make the most money, and still we never get any service. Nobody's lunch hour is long enough.

It's strange how books get started. I was just writing a poem and now look. It's not a story book though. I was told it wasn't really a book, because it didn't have anything tying the beginning to the middle to the end. I've read books with nothing tying it all together. Fuck that. It's just not a story, it's more like a REALLY long editorial. I guess this isn't something that will be studied in school. Maybe it should be. Finally an open, realistic look at life from the eyes of an 18 year old, and no one will ever read it properly. I say fuck it. Read what you want, study what you want, and make the best of it cause it's all you got. Once you start working, it all goes down hill. Everyday at the same job, doing the same thing, with nothing ever changing. You think school is like that? Wow are you wrong. I wish I could go back to grade nine, and keep doing it over and over till I'm seventy and can move down to Florida on all the money I save up from welfare cheques. There's nothing really that we can do about it, but make the best of school. You're away from your parents, you can act however you want, and the only thing you really have to do is go to class. Everyone says school would be better without classes, but the classes are the prime parts. In the past four years I have come to realize that classes are what you make them. They're fun if you make them fun. The real world is a hassle. You've got it easy if you're in school. Ask some of my friends. Some of them are the night managers in Subway restaurants, others have kids. School is the easy way to avoid the real world for a long long time. It may seem like forever, but it's really pretty good.

It's funny how we all think that we are our own worst enemies. I wonder why that is. We seem to make ourselves want ourselves to go away. It's not with other people. We make them want to go away, but we make ourselves need to go away from ourselves even more. We need more hope. I wanted this to be an album, but I can't seem to make these thoughts into songs. I have a whole thank you list written out, just in case I ever make it. I'm sorta scared. What if I don't make it. Then what do I have? I sucked in school, I can't write songs anymore. I can still sing them, but that's not the same. You need words, and music. Who's gonna write my music when you're gone. Life is everything that you are used to having around you. It's all you need, and all you want, all packed together in about 80 years. Your formative years are the worst, cause everything in your life depends on what happens during those year. Everything you watch, everything you eat, everything you experience. I'm a little angry. My formative years couldn't have been that good, since I'm a 5 year old trapped in an 18 year old body. Sometimes I feel like everything I'm experiencing is for the first time. My college apps came back today. I don't want to open them. I'm scared of that too. I don't want to know whether I made it or not. I'd rather just keep on thinking I could have, but didn't want to. I'm afraid that I will open that envelope and I will realize that I did want to go to university really badly, and now I cant. I don't know for sure that I didn't make it, but I don't think I did. I don't want my parents to know. But if I did make it, than what will I do. Tape the envelope back up and put it back in the box? That's the problem with universal boxes. It's 16 boxes all together and you cant get at the mail without a key. I shouldn't have a key, but I do. Maybe I will go out late at night, and find out whether I got in or not. If I didn't Then I'll never mention it, but if I did, I'll come home, sleep on it, and put the envelope on the table in the morning. I'll still have to explain how I got it, but oh well, shit happens. At least they'll be happy cause I got in. OOOO bad, I shouldn't be teaching you all to deceive, but it think it's part of human nature.