Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Eight (1998):

This is a long one. sorry
This part has been inspired by a very close friend who doesn't get the hidden messages. EVER


it has been a time of reckoning, a time of good-byes. At the end of the year we close up our past lives, and begin new ones. We lose friends, and find new ones. We start over. The angels have come to tell me what I should have not done, and for these things I am truly sorry. The tell me stories of myself as I lie awake thinking of the people I would like to leave behind, but never could. I have a problem letting go, but most people I know have the same problem. We get so used to what things were like, it doesn't make sense that they should change. but the world is forever changing and all we can do is go along with it, and hope for the best. I think we are all born innocent, and we become jaded through our habits. We break each other over and over again, but that is the one thing we never learn from. whether it be leaving by death or choice, we're still always leaving. I'm not poetic. I'm not what I wish I was, but I'm enough to keep myself happy with who I am. My problem is that I sit around and analyze what others thin of me and it affects the way I see myself. what's yours? It's been said the we are all alone, we just pretend we aren't. If we were so alone, why would everyone's opinion matter to me? why would it matter if this person liked me, and that one didn't? It doesn't make sense to me. I have all these emotions that aren't compatible with the person I tried so hard to be. Only a few people have seen who I really am. And those people I have pushed away for fear of being hurt. There is no logic behind it because I hurt myself more by leaving people behind, than I do by letting them see me. I love a lot of people who don't know it. I can't tell them because of what it may do to me. I can't tell them because of what they might think and do. I have this great fear of them shunning me, and after such a revealing statement, that would only be turning the knife. I can only sit here, and wish that they loved me too, even though I know it will never happen. I dream at night that we are all together and happy, but the reality is that my circle of friends isn't quite as good as I thought. It's more of an irregular shape. This person doesn't like him, she doesn't like that one, these two don't get along. It's quite difficult to get everyone together without having a fight. What I guess they don't see is who in the middle I really am. I try to stay out of it, but when my two best friends are fighting, and I know both sides of the story, how can I help but be there. I think that I have too many secrets. I hide to much from people and that's what keeps me from being truly happy. Someone once said I was an Angel with a smile on my face and a broken wing. Only I can smile whilst being so hurt. I've become an actress in my own life. That's all we are. actors in a play that has no script. that is if you don't believe in fate. I think that there are people we are meant to be with. Like everyone is born half of a whole, and all they have to do is find that other half. But I also think that we determine our own future. We have talents, and we have to make the best of them. We decide where we are going in life, but life decides who we are to be with. most often people don't find that half. and if they're like me, they find the half, and don't know what to do about it. I hate it when you can't just sit and talk to people without having others misinterpret it. I hate it when you can't just give someone a hug, and not have everyone all over you about how he's not the right guy for you. I hate it when you have these unbelievable feelings about someone, and they want to be your friend. This has become the darker side of the ride of life. The downfall of the human population is that only stupid people are breeding. That's how I got here, and look what I've turned into. A child who thinks she understands the world. A wanna be poet. I can't say things that are poetic. I say things that are real and it pisses people off. most of the time I'm better off just not talking. but when I do that everyone thinks something wrong. If you have then you hold. You hold on to everything you've got cause it's not gonna last. everyone goes away. The best thing you can do is stick around a while. see what's happening, then jet. don't get attached. don't feel. I empty myself out every night, and still I'm full. I don't so it on purpose. I don't mean to piss you off. I just want you to see me for who I really am. Hard to believe this all started with a walk at night and a look at the sky. I think that the stars are my life force. I can go out and look at the stars and feel better almost immediately. I think they're overrated though I know people who base their whole lives around them. that's sad. I just use them to cheer up. I miss you. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I love how people can take what someone has to say as gospel. I read the manifesto on the Matt Good Band page religiously. Once a new month starts I can't wait to go and read what he's written. there are people who can capture attention without even trying. I thought I could do that with my singing. but apparently that's not true either. Would you buy a book if it had someone on the cover with 3 packs of lit cigarettes in their mouth? I would. I think it could be amusing to read a book by someone who can smoke 75 butts at once. you know they have to be fucked up. Say hello. Smile. Pretend your famous. Smooch. buy a Volkswagen. Scratch your brain. "She had an itch in her brain. She could only scratch it by thinking of sand paper" I can't remember where I read that. I just though it was odd. have you ever had a weird itch really deep in your ear. so deep it was almost in your throat, but not quite, and you can't scratch your ear to get rid of it, but you can't cough to get rid of it either, so you just have this really annoying itch that you gag on? yeah, me either. I don't know why I though of that. ANYWAYS. ever written three and a half pages of garbage? Me too. Ever cheered on a fight? ever BEEN in a fight? Should try it sometime. It's not bad actually. I should see someone about this. I have to find some other way to deal with anger and hatred. I can't keep writing stories that seem poetic and really are just a waste of space. but for now I'll just do that. it makes me feel better. Would you love me if I changed? just for you? I need a change. I need to get out more. but do less drinking. I have an alcoholic friend. Well, two. And one is always bugging the other to stop drinking, but then the next night they're out drinking together. It's tearing me apart cause one is hurting and the other doesn't care, and of course, I'm in the middle. Mandy the Broken Angel/ Psychiatrist-soon to be schizophrenic. I know someone who hates me cause the person she likes showed a little interest in me. And so she talked him out of it. It's sad for all three of us. She's sad cause she's got the whole "if I can't have him, no one can" complex going, he's sad cause he let her talk him out of it, and I'm sad cause I lost again. Well, they're sad like "oh you suck" sad. I'm just upset. Me and him chill together every now and then, but I don't think things are ever gonna be the same. Man, if I could cut open people, I'd be a doctor. I was gonna be a shrink, but then I found out you needed biology and chemistry to become a doctor. Biology involves cutting up a fetal pig, which I can't do. (I couldn't even do a fish) And Chemistry. well lets just say summer school agrees with me on that subject. So I'm going for soap box shrink here. I'm gonna be Lucy from the peanuts cartoon. 5 cents for a diagnosis. I should charge more. how am I gonna make a living? Hoping has gone out of style. nobody has any hope anymore. we all just sorta float through our lives and bump into each other. Life is a lazy river of dreams, but no hope of ever realizing your dreams. I wanna be a singer, but I know that I'll just finish high school, maybe go to college, and then get a full time job selling clothes at Suzy shier. oooo lucky me. I believe everyone has a moment of greatness. Some people call it 15 minutes of fame, but that's not really what I mean. I mean when you are truly great. Not by the standards of the media. By the standards of humanity. It is when you have done something so amazing that you can't do any better. It could be performing the first brain transplant, or saving a kid from the streets. If you do something you really believe in just once, then you have reached greatness. My moment of greatness will be when I am standing before a stadium sized crowd, and I sing one of my own songs. That or I tell my boyfriend that I love him. Have you ever found those words to be really hard to say. Especially when you really mean them? I can't say it to anyone. be it a boy, a best friend, or family. it's just not something I say. It's strange. I come from a family of huggers. we hug all the time, but we never say I love you. I don't get it. I'd like to get out of here. go away to where no one knows me, and I can become completely different person. Right now I'm garbage. it's all I've tried for here. I'm just a sniveling brad who knows nothing of what she talks about. I'd like to go away and better myself. Then I wanna come back and blow everyone's minds with the amazing creature they knew as Mandy. Right now I'd say anything you want just to make you love me. I've always wanted to be the little geek that goes away and comes back a beauty. I must say I've gone pretty far from that gangly little girl all my old friends used to know. Maybe that's why I'd like to go back to my old school. So they can all see what they made fun of. I've shocked a couple people already. I ran into a guy I used to go to school with, and suddenly became obsessed with my legs. I think he's got a fetish. I know that they'd be surprised by who I've become, but I want to be completely different. I want to be elegant, and graceful, and nice to people that I like, not make fun of them. I want to be able to show affection like a real person. I'd like to stop hitting people, cause I think they'll like me better. I want to straighten out my ideals. I want to do my homework and get good marks. I want to do what my sister did. Everyone in my family has achieved something. Megs got beautiful, Vic got buff, Jeff is getting taller. But I'm still the same person everyone has always known, just a little more.....endowed. Fate looked my way, but I Ignored it. I used to sparkle, but now I'm dull. it's all over. I laugh when I think of what I thought I was. I feel like I've run into walls with everyone I know. We used to have these great conversations, and now there's just nothing left to say. I've crawled a thousand miles and now I've rubbed my knees raw trying to be what everyone else wants. We've been here before. I'm nothing. Were I shocked again I'd stay. I've been shocked before. 16 million years ago we were here. we were at this turning point, and you went the right way whilst I went the wrong. I'm all I ever wanted to be in private, but out in the world I'm all everyone ever wants me to be. I'd say anything you wanted me to, just to get you to see it my way. I'm loaded. A bomb has been dropped among us, but it's okay that I was wrong, because the holes you all hide in yourself have become apparent. I'd make amends so that we were okay. But it's all too late for that isn't it. It's the turning point I've tried so desperately to avoid. I've come to it with everyone. I'm losing for free. I'm older than I look. Mentally I'm older than you all could comprehend. responsibility. with responsibility come the realization hat the world sucks. It's easier to be a 3 year old than to deal with the stupidity of the people I see every day. Everyone needs something. I need comfort, you might need quality. it's all gone isn't it. it's all been wiped away by the storm we call emotion. it gets in the way. I've said before, it's easier to shove your emotions down and keep them locked away then to deal with them. its uncomplicated with out emotions. you made me lose control of them, and now I'm spinning downward with the rest of you. If I can keep them hidden, locked away, I can stay on top and fill the void you've left. Someone's always missing. lost, missing the point. the hidden message. It's too hard to deal with that anymore. I'd rather leave and learn something new, than stay here and deal with people who know me to well.
It's all over. the end has come. Why do guys look at a pretty face or a stacked chick and suddenly decide that they are worth boneing and that's about all? It's funny how when I wasn't so stacked people looked at my face. my friends(male ones) were just friends and I never had to worry about them looking down my shirt.... or trying to kiss me. I've amused people long enough. I'm suddenly something to look at.... not talk to. I am tired of leaving my mind at home just so that everyone else will be happy. there isn't anyone left who hasn't looked at me like that. no one. and the sad part is that the people who look are always the wrong ones. It could never be the prince charming every girl waits for.... or someone else who's name may mean the devil(he knows who he is) Why is it that I need to use this as a form of fixage. I need to use this as a purging place for all my feelings. it's not fair to you the reader to have to read what it is that I feel I need to purge. but then if you didn't want to read it you wouldn't be this far. I think I'm tired of people treating me like I can't take things. I'm sick of people hiding things from me because they think it will hurt me. it's all shit you know. all of this. how do you know I'm not just making all of this up.... and laughing at how many people read it. I'm not. but still.
When things go wrong.... who do YOU talk to "when I'm alone I am in pain"- Matthew Good, The War Is Over It's all over the minute you let someone in. Every time I let anyone in... they break me. I know it's true and so do they. Have you ever had luck with this? when solace is all I can have that comforts the empty pain I feel, I know I have reached the epitome of all that I fear. I am now the picture of sadness. I am the one thing I have always ventured to dispell. I am alone. I am all I have. Disregarding superficial relationships. but they are exactly that. superficial. It's all I can do to keep from becoming attached to people. I need people, but all they do it ruin me. I have become attached again.... with a dream. and that is all he is. he is simply a boy that I can't get close to because of his proximity. I know nothing about him, except that he is out of my reach. and that saddens me. loving the one who doesn't love back. but that is so me anyway! I know now, after tonight, that there is no was I will force anything between us. if I happen to see him again, things will go how ever they go... but I will not initiate anything for the pain of is far to great for me to be able to bear once more. it is only as far as I can go to deal with that which I have been dealt. that is enough. i don't need to add more to my palate. I can barely paint with what I have. soon it will be over and we can all go back to the way we were. but I will never be the same. it will never be the same again, for I know that you will not love me.... like I need you to. Oh well. S’all for now. Talk to ya later.