Saturday, April 05, 2003 : Mandys Life Part Nine(1998) The End

I have once again fallen for the wrong person. I'm feeling bad though because I feel like I'm cheating on a guy who I'm not even going out with. It's odd. I've never had this problem before. My friend and I are gonna go hunt ducks(check out some people for ourselves) together, but I told him that no one can tell The spawn, I call him that cause of what his name means, but he could read this so I don't want to put his name. Why do I feel bad about "cheating" on someone when we aren't even together? oh well
When something great happens, don't you want to tell people and have them be happy with you? I do. And it's crushing when they aren't. I've just had a substantial argument with one of my best friends, because when something good happened to me, he wasn't as happy as I was when something good happened to him. HA! Substantial argument. I didn't even tell him half of what I was thinking. I'm always like that. I never say what I'm thinking.... or else it never comes out right. Drives me nuts. Now there is no one to be happy with me. Everyone who matters is essentially dead to me. Everyone who matters has gone away and left me to be happy alone. And essentially miserable.... because what good is happiness when you can't share it. It's all gone now. I've been left alone. I hate it when people just ignore their problems... or try to get rid of them as fast as possible. Maybe I like to wallow... I dunno. But I can't just "get over" things that quickly. My best friend died 4 years ago and I'm still not over it. That’s how much I can't get over things. I wish there was another way to solve my problems.... so that I could go on solving the problems of the world. But as it is I seem to have lost a best friend and that's all I can think about. Even the happiness of the attentions of the one I love is not enough to overshadow what has now become the ridiculous problem I have about not letting go of the hurt.